The journey....

I often tell people I have lived two lifetimes already.  Most laugh it off like I am exaggerating or making a joke myself, but I am not.  My life was never meant to be lived in sequential order like most people.  I think the fates decided to have some fun with my timeline.

Life number one:
I grew up like what I thought was most normal kids.  Parent divorced when I was 5.  Dad married the wicked step-monster and mom married her next disaster.  I got pregnant at 15.  Had PITA at 16.  Graduated high school a full year early and went off to college.  First week in college I met ex-hubs through a prank phone call (I made the call).  Life carried on in a normal fashion, I got a career, got married, bought a house and was living the "American Dream".  But I was unhappy and when ex-hubs left I enter purgatory.

Purgatory:
I feel like I kind of died when ex-hubs left.  I spent my time doing many destructive things.  I dropped off the radar and out of life for about a year and a half.  Purgatory was a dark time and place, but I learned many things about myself and what type of strength I have.

Life number two:
Once I got it in my mind that I was no longer going to punish and abuse myself, life number two started.  I believe that having PITA so young caused me to miss out on a lot of things I probably would have done as a late teen and early twenties woman.  With this start of life number two, I kind of started there.  I sowed some wild oats, had a great love affair with a younger man, adventures and funny stories that most people tell from when they were in high school and college (these adventures I had in my early 30s).  I spent the next 3 and half years learning so much about myself.  In this life I have learned to be in love with myself.  So many people are proud of me, but they have no idea how proud I am of myself.

These three stages in my life are so important and I want so bad to share the experiences with as many people as I can.  I found humor in the dark, good in the bad and myself when I thought all was lost.

Peace out my peeps....
This was just a rambling of thoughts today.

The question of WHY?

WHY is it that every day I am thinking of some way to screw with my neighbor’s security cameras? I think the fact that I know the cameras are there and that I am being recorded causes this little voice in my head to whisper that we should do something. More often than not this feeling strikes me when I am coming home from work and pull in. I don’t have a plan….some days I want to flash, flip off, throw things at, make faces at and many other stupid things when it comes to those security cameras.
WHY can’t I just do my job…..Lately I have been very burned out at work. I don’t want to go in. I feel like every day it is the same bullshit again. Today, I was informed that someone else completed a task of mine…UM NO YOU DID NOT. I followed protocol and sent the information to the right department to handle. The client just happens to call in today to CUSTOMER SERVICE AND you got the call because you are the MANAGER OF THAT FUCKING DEPARTMENT NOW. Why say I didn’t do my job, when CLEARLY in the notes you can see I did what I was supposed to do. Next, my job is to negotiate settlements for clients. NOT customer service, however I spend MOST of my day telling people how to respond to legal accounts or talking to law firms trying to keep the client out of the court house. When I am allowed to negotiate and JUST negotiate I do quite well. I am just at a point of WHY are we not doing the job we were hired for. When you have someone trying to work the jobs of 3 other departments PLUS their own job; it gets rather frustrating.
WHY do friendships have to change? I have a few friends that for whatever reason I feel the wind switching direction on our friendship. I think it has to do with me more than anything. I find I am feeling less and less trustworthy of people over time. I don’t know if it because I am getting to know them better or if with maturity I will have times of being cynical and pessimistic about people.
WHY can’t I fall head over heels in love like I did when I was younger? WHY is dating not the way I was told? I know my perception of love is colored by TV and movies and the craving for a soul mate, but WHY can’t it be like that? I don’t understand why we can’t meet someone, fall in love and be best friends until we die.
Peace out my peeps….I know all of this is random….sometimes random is all I have.

Open letter to ex-bff/frienemy

Dear ex-bff,

Since I refuse to have a heart felt conversation with you. I have decided I will fall back on an old school counseling technique. Only difference, this letter isn't being written on paper and I am not going to set it free by burning that. I believe getting it out Herr where others might find meaning in the lessons I have learner by letting a snake like you into my hen house.
Despite everything I believe my friendship with you really helped to open my eyes to some other snakes that have been around disguised as friends. So I guess there was a silver lining to being close with you.
First I want to thank you for helping get my foot in the door at work. Thank you for being there during my hard transition into living alone.
Now just the fact that you turned out to be such a damaged person that you would be deceptive with the people who you say you are closet makes me sad. You know you and I both had hard pasts, abuse in many ways. You cant even being to imagine he horrors I went -through in the last 4 years. Things I didn't feel the need to share with you. And looking back I am happy I didn't give you the darkest stuff. You don't deserve it.
I am sad watching you every day at work. Your happiness mask seems to have been broken and karma is catching up to your ass. I remember this woman who boasted how she was so independent and confident. You are a scared little girl who settled for a man who's life is quite together, you move in and in less than 3 mos you are engaged. Bitch you haven't even file the divorce papers for the marriage your currently in. Dude seriously you are damaged in a special kind of way.
I will say it has been sad watching karma catch up to you. Hardly anyone in that office speaks to you except for the guy your fucking who is an idiot and two employees from our former company. Now for the guy your engaged to fucking whatever....I.have decided you liked him enough to settle and you thought he might improve your image in the office. All it did was make you look like an idiot woman letting a man wit nothing move in with you and your three kids in less than six months and giving op the keys to your car and all. You just handed hour lil life over to someone you barely know. I want to tell you what a fucking dumbass you are however I don't care enough about you to say something.
As for the sad feeling, when I remember how you hurt me...makes it easier to watch karma beat the shit out of you.

Praying for you...
From the nicest person you could have tucked over.

Peace out my peeps....remember to watch your backs.

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2012

Wow...another year.
This last year has been amazing for me. I have done a lot of growing in the last year personally.
I have spent a year living in my own place. I have had the help and support of friends and family who have made it easier. I am proud to say I come home happy nearly everyday. I never thought I would enjoy the solitude of living alone but I think it has been the key factor in helping me grow so much.
I have gotten off all of my antidepressant medications and have maintained sanity without them :)!!! Again another amazing mountain climbed and I would say almost conquered.
This year I want to continue the positive motion in my life. I would like to take an art class and cooking class this year.
I want to work on some interests and hobbies this year. I need to get out of my home for more than work, probation, and counseling.
Another focus this year for me will be finding love. This is so year I want to meet quality men and hopefully stumble on a relationship. I read once to truly be on the market a woman should be going out on at least two dates a week. So that is the goal until maybe I meet a great guy and he becomes the one I see all the time :)
I have hope for 2012. I look forward to the blessings this year has to offer.
Peace out my peeps....and happy new year.

Time to let some shit out!

Look my counselor keeps telling me she wants me to journal.  I can't really journal pen to paper like I use to, when I put my pencil to paper I want to sketch.  So I have decided blogging will work just as well.  I know this is best and I bottle shit up, but fine....let's talk...or better yet let me talk.

PITA - you know I understand she is influenced/brain washed, whatever, but my OWN FUCKING daughter didn't say even fuck you to me on my birthday.  I have never done anything to that child to earn what I get back from her.  I loved her and sacrificed for her.  Yet it is as if none of that ever happened.  I apparently was just the vessel by which her greatness emerged.  I am hurt, but then honestly I don't think I expected different deep down.  I just always keep this tiny candle of hope burning that she will wake up and just have her show me she cares about me a little bit.

PITA2 - feel even more pissed about her than I do with PITA.

MCKINNEY - Had high hopes that the 3rd time would be a charm.  He took me to lunch we had great conversation, I enjoyed my time with him.  Then texts and nothing else.  I understand why he thinks I am side stepping his advances and it is simply because I don't know what to make of his courting technique.

I want to date someone in a traditional kind of way.  I want this ONE thing in my life to be traditional.  That may seem so unlike me, but I am a little old fashioned about falling in love and dating.  I deserve that in my life.  No one takes the time anymore or goes out of their way to show that another person means something to them.  Honestly a text telling me you want me sexually doesn't ring my bell.  But maybe a song that made you think of me.  It's like men can't see me for anything but sex.  I would rather be single that just someone's bedroom toy that is put on the shelf except at night when he wants to play.  I want a partner and a best friend.  I want a man who wants to sit and play board games with me late one night and talk to me about his childhood and growing up....but see I am not the aggressor.  I can tell a man what I want but if he doesn't take the reigns he will miss his chance with me, as is happening with the few men I have tried to date.

WORK - Thank you for letting me out of my cell today at thee but pay me for my full 8 hours. BUT this shit with my paycheck is pissing me off.  I swear it really has messed with me this week.  Anyway, there is more I just don't care enough to bitch about it.  I do my job, they are happy...'nough said.

CHRISTINE - I love you.  Happy Birthday.  I believe you are watching over me in your own way and I appreciate the blessings that come with that.  I hope you are at peace.  The girls are so beautiful and doing so well. I think about you often.  Even more this time of year because you worked so hard to make Christmas nearly perfect and I thank you for that.

Ok, enough of my rant.  Now on to what I really wanted to write about, but that gets its own post.

Perfectly Stated View on Love by Bob Marley

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life." 
— Bob Marley

Connecting....a human need....

Tonight I was watching the news. (I got "old" in the sense that I am a news addict now.)  The Byron Nelson was mentioned and I realized that it was natural to call ex-hubs when it occurred to me that it wasn't going to rain at the Nelson.  So I called him with this little thought, and of course he knows why....they moved the weekend of the Nelson.

So this got me to thinking about connections.  I call my ex-hubs with a lot of my stupid stuff or text him because I don't have to explain anything for him to get it.  The same thing with my best girlfriend, FunSized, and two of my sisters.  I have spent so much time talking to these people and years with them that they get me, I don't have to explain and they don't question me unless they know I am doing something stupid.  Now these people I mention, these are nothing more than friends, I love them all deeply, but they are friends.  Now I want to find a lover that can get me like these people do, who takes the time to get to know me like that and let me get to know them.

Examples, secret language...with EVERYONE I am close to, there are words or phrases that will get us laughing because there is an inside joke or meaning to it that only ya'll know.  See, I miss that stuff with the man in my life.  I want to be connected, deeply with someone.  I miss that so much.

Peace out my peeps...nurture the relationships that are important to you....if not you may find it fading away when you don't make the time to help it grow.

Mother's Day

‘Ole TG is at work, but my work phone is not working like it should. So I thought what the hell, I would get a blog together. I am not sure if I can post it while here, but I am writing it here LOL.

Mother’s Day is this weekend. I have avoided putting on FaceBook how I feel about this, but I need to get my feelings out somewhere.
In regards to my own mother, if you have read most of this blog, you will know that I do not have a good relationship with her. I don’t feel I have anyone I can honor in my life as a mother figure. With that in mind, I have that slight orphan feeling again.
In regards to me being a mom….given how PITA behaves, I doubt it will even be noticed. I mentioned it to her on Wednesday, which might get me a text or call. It hurts a lot to know I carried this child, loved her as mine and mine alone from the time I realized I was pregnant. I wasn’t perfect. I had her when I was nothing more than a baby myself, however I have been there for her the whole time. I am the one person who, even with all of the negative things she does, that stands behind her for support. I wonder many times if I should continue to do be the mom that loves unconditionally and puts up with the heartache she puts me through.
I really truly wish all those I know and love a Happy Mother’s Day!! Can someone tell me though, what about the people without moms or kids? What do those people do on Mother’s Day? I already bypassed Valentine’s Day and Easter this year.
Holidays are an issue for me since I am single. I look forward to a day when I have my own family again.

Peace out my peeps…..hope you have a great Friday and a wonderful Mother’s Day on Sunday!!!

A classic TG vent

For new readers....there are times when I have allowed a few things to eat at me and it is time for me to really just get out how I feel about them.  Now when I get to a venting stage, I can't really stick with one topic, because there are multiple topics bothering me.  Buckle up, these are usually fun :).

So PITA.....OMFG!!!!  Seriously, this will be the first time I have ever agreed with the many people in my life who have said this, but I agree PITA may be a sociopath.  Now I have looked this up in the past and dismissed certain traits because of her age, but I can't do that any longer.  So checked this out peeps, my 20 year old left a man who many of us (me more than any of the others) didn't really want in her life but could see he truly cared about her....she left this man to go back to a 40 year old cocaine dealer who beats the fucking shit out of her.  I have heard her telling the stories of bloody noses and bruises and injuries.  SHE WENT BACK TO THAT?!?!  And the man she left, he wants to create a home and a family with her and the baby she is pregnant with, he wants to take care of her....when I mentioned this to her last night she looked at me for a second like it might get to her and she then brushed it off.  I do not know what to do now that I accept the thought most people who know PITA think she is a sociopath.  Should I be scared of her?  I will say this, check this link PITA has every single quality on the list :(

Next.......hmmmmm....and I know he will read this....PS my new love, I do not care......McKinney.  We still have yet to figure out how to combine our schedules in a way that provides us with time to see each other.  I get very frustrated because my feelings start to grow very quickly for this man when I spend time with him.  I want to cuddle up next to him, but then don't know how he would feel about that, so I don't.  I kinda want to stay the night, but I am so afraid I won't sleep, and he will think I am a complete nerd.  He really doesn't know how spoiled I am with my own bed lol.  I sometimes don't know if he is really that in to me.  I feel like I am trying so hard on my side and getting no where.  And the funny thing is, as he is reading this, he is probably feeling the same way...but he won't tell me.  I want little texts letting me know he is thinking about me.  McKinney has NO IDEA how much will power it took to NOT text today.  I was frustrated, feeling hurt, angry about the situation with PITA.  Peeps...this is the cherry on the sundae, because of PITA being so damn flaky and not giving a damn about any one else's feelings, I didn't get to see McKinney this weekend.  If the trend keeps, that means the earliest I would see him would be Friday which would be TWO WEEKS!  Absolutely not fucking acceptable when two people are trying to build something more than a friends with benefits surface bullshit thing.  I am just saying!  So last night when I texted McKinney if I could come out after work today and never got a response, my feelings were hurt.  I didn't get to sleep 'til well after midnight last night because of PITA.  I had a long day at work.  But you know it would have been nice to look forward to seeing him, even with the weather and the traffic.

More than anything I could use a safe place to land.  I regret allowing my daughter's mess to once again mess with the flow of my life.  I know I am falling in love with McKinney.  These breaks have made it a slower process, but when I am with him I just feel good.  I miss him when I am away from him.  I am terrified of him thinking I am nuts if I really blew up his phone with the random things throughout the day I think of that I want to tell him, or just the times that I am sitting at my desk at work and I wonder if he is thinking of me like I am of him.  McKinney....if you read this.....I can't be anymore clear.  By they way...yes I feel much better.

Ok...peeps....the pressure has lifted.....Peace out my peeps....

It was bound to happen

Insomnia.  However that isn't what it really is.

'Ole TG was placed on probation in 2008 stemming from stupidity.  I received 5 years.  I had to submit to an evaluation at the beginning of this process to see how smart I was and if I was crazy.  As usual, genius and crazy.  Anyway, they put me on a "special" caseload for probation.  This was actually a blessing in disguise because my PO is AMAZING.  I was required to do a few things since they determined I was "crazy" or "special" or whatever term you want to use; I refuse the be politically correct.  I had to see a psychiatrist and it was determined that I am bipolar.....joy joy.  I was given prescriptions, we played with them until the mixture didn't put me in a coma.  Most of the time I am pretty even....no real major highs and no real major lows....same shit different day.  However, I saw this roller coaster ride coming a week ago and there wasn't a damn thing I could do.

The issue isn't bad it is just annoying.  I am currently in a manic state (actually it isn't as hardcore).  For those of you that don't understand this lovely little disorder, let me give you a definition of mania:

Mania is the signature characteristic of bipolar disorder and, depending on its severity, is how the disorder is classified. Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated mood, which can take the form of euphoria. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep, with many often getting as little as 3 or 4 hours of sleep per night, while others can go days without sleeping. Attention span is low, and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired, and sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. source

I was not in this deep until the last 24 hours.  Fortunately I know or understand where I am and how to keep it under some sense of control.  I will need to find ways to entertain myself.  Anyway, this ride began when I slept for 3 days.  I knew something was wrong, but had no idea what was up, just figured I was tired.  Hell, no one was blowing up my phone, no one came to visit, nothing to watch on TV and even the net became boring.....so I slept.  Right before this hibernation state I went through a milder mania doctors consider hypomania.  Let me tell you, I see no difference, but doctors claim in full blown, hardcore mania a person cannot be productive.

I consider myself to be very productive.  In the hour and a half that I have written this blog, I have posted on FaceBook, cleaned the kitchen, made coffee, finished some laundry that was in the dryer, looked up something to watch on TV (not happening EVERYTHING right now is paid programming), looked for pictures,  found my nail files so I can do my nails next while watching a movie...I think that is all :)

Now to go look up some movie to watch.  I think I will download The Roommate.

Peace out my peeps.....have a blessed Sunday.

PITA PITA PITA....sigh

I got a call from an unknown local phone number today.  I was on the phone with my BFF, still haven't decided if she is going to be called fun-sized or something else LOL, anyway, I click over and it is my PITA.  I haven't talked to PITA in 6 weeks and on Valentine's day she ripped out my heart.  She wanted P2's phone number....I asked if she would talk to me for a few minutes.  She told me she would if I wanted to.

Conversation went well.  Learned quite a few things.  She nearly was caught with enough drugs to put her in prison for years and a nasty felony, thanks to the person who is suppose to be responsible for that shit not keeping up with his stuff.  Found out he is beating her regularly.  I am not sure how to feel.  I know there is nothing I can do.  She has to want to leave, but the mom in me wants to go kick that man's ass and take my daughter.  She told me she is scared.

Then while I was at P2's house, I get a call from PITA...she said she is coming home and she is done.  I got my hopes up some.  Then about 2 hours later the next call, she sounded tense and like she was trying to just get through it and done.  She told me she wasn't coming home and that they were talking and she would talk to me later.

P2 and I are doing well, playing along and plotting.  We keep our stories matched up and use P2 as the less threatening one for PITA to talk to with his permission.

I did some research tonight while working on this blog and found a couple of places in the DFW area.  If you know someone who needs help or if you need it, please look for it.  It is not ok to be hit.  I nearly had a man choke me to death in front of PITA three years ago.  Fortunately for me he released his hold on my neck when he noticed my face turning purple and I had stopped cussing him.  Nothing is worth possibly losing your life or that of one you love through silence.  My hands are tied because I don't know where PITA is right now or I would get help to her.  Please say a little prayer for my PITA.

Peace out my peeps....look out for those you love.

Religion...

***These views may not be your own, but I encourage all to research on their own. Read and educate yourself, don't just believe blindly.***

Every few years something will spark a religious search of sorts in my life, ex-hubs would be the best person to confirm this. Anyway, I watched a video on YouTube that started this. If you are interested:

Now I watched part1 and 2. It made me think about religion again and the many spiritual journeys I have embarked on to understand God and religion. I believe there is a difference between God and religion. Long before I saw David Icke's information, I believed religion is used for control. I believe the human race is trained to believe what they are told and accept it. There are people out there in the world who go against the "norm" and think for themselves, and I think the "powers in charge" feed us information in such a way to paint these free thinkers as dangerous, crazy, trouble, and not to be trusted.

I feel I am a free thinker in many ways (do not get me wrong, I will fall into societal norms to avoid major conflict if needed). God and religion is a topic in which my brain has no limits. I don't place limits on my beliefs or how I choose to seek out God and be close to him. Most of my adult life I have thought it is possible that all world religions are worshiping the same God, only by different names and ways that fit that culture. I think mankind changed and altered religion to control citizens. In many ways religion is still used this way today.

My beliefs....and it is funny, they really haven't changed much in my adult life.....

I believe in the Christian God and Trinity because that is what is most familar to me, however I think the scope of who and what God is and how God looks is beyond anything our brains can process, at least in our earthly form. I read a book The Shack by William P Young that gave me the BEST way to look at God. It is worth a read, believe me.

I find that I identify with Eastern philosophies towards worship (notice I didn't say religion). I have been reading about the worship practices of Hinduism because I am often drawn to information about it. I read this the other night:

Sanskrit: एकम् सत् विप्रा: बहुधा वदन्ति
Transliteration: Ekam Sat Vipr¨¡ha Bahudh¨¡ Vadanti

English: "Truth is One, though the Sages know it as Many."
-- The Rig Veda (Book I, Hymn CLXIV, Verse 46)
Essentially, any kind of spiritual practice followed with faith, love and persistence will lead to the same ultimate state of self-realization. Thus, Hindu thought distinguishes itself by strongly encouraging tolerance for different beliefs since temporal systems cannot claim sole understanding of the one transcendental Truth. source

This really reached out to me, since I feel drawn to Hinduism. So I am currently reading more about it. I had thought about getting the OM symbol tattooed on the back of my neck about 4 years ago and thought of it many times since. Never really thought about its connection to Hinduism until I started researching. ( Random thought: I may get it as my next tat instead of my sparrow.)

I separate from Christianity in one way, but I believe it is our form of purgatory, so I guess it isn't that far. I believe in reincarnation. People look at me funny with that statement. I will explain. I believe we take an earthly form many times to learn certain lessons to bring us closer to God. I don't believe really in past life regression in hypnosis. What I think is these lessons are learned deep in our souls. Have you ever met someone so young yet they were so wise? I believe they are a soul that has been around a couple of times. Or those people that never seem to learn their lesson in life and we all shake our head at them or we just can't help but say "bless your heart" (also knowns as the southern "You dumbass").....I think those are young souls still learning. I think many of us have a soul in between these extremes. I think many of us find our understanding with God early on in reincarnation and move on to the next life cycle of the soul.

I just wanted to put some thoughts out there. Feel free to leave comments if you happen to stop by and this post catches your attention.

Peace out my peeps.....May you find solace and peace in your search and understanding of God and what God means to you.

The Om symbol: This symbol has provided me with a peaceful feeling for many years. I have it shown here in what may end up the way I will get it tattooed. I love the Celtic touch.

McKinney...he gets his own post

***Warning...sappy, lovey-dovey, girly post follows***

This post was requested through facebook after I asked which to post about....Religion or the new guy. New Guy won LOL

What this is going to probably end up being are a lot of random thoughts about him....I can't seem to keep a cohesive thought when I think about him. I get jumbled up and ramble lol

So it has been a little over a month since I got back in touch with McKinney. Things are going very well. Every time I send him a text I grin like a little school girl. If we are texting a lot my cheeks will hurt :)

He seems to accept my quirkiness. I swear the key is just to try to laugh through life with me. It isn't so hard. Besides, if someone will hear me out, it might amaze them the things I know to back up whatever eccentric idea I have.

I love his touch, there is tenderness in his touch that touches my heart.

I have found myself a few times close to saying words I don't just throw around. But I still stop myself. Afraid it is too soon. But I do care about him a lot. I don't know how to express that to him. I love that he holds my hand while we are watching TV or talking. I wish I knew how to tell him how he is making me feel and it is awesome. The good feelings are slowly growing stronger.

He is one of my last thoughts at night. I wonder if my late night texts bother him lol. I want to talk to him, but he works a non-traditional shift. He has usually been in bed a few hours when I am dragging myself to my bed finally for the night. But I think of things and just have to tell him so I send a text and I try to always remember to tell him good morning, since I know he gets them when he wakes up. I like when he sends me one every now and then, it is special to wake up and see a good morning from him waiting for me.

I randomly want to call or text him, not because I have something to tell him, but just to say hi. I don't because that might seem needy and it isn't that, it is just that I think of him. Men I have attempted to have relationships with (Army excluded), I haven't thought of them during the day. I wasn't considerate to their feelings or wishes all the time because it was lust and not budding feelings.

I guess that is what is happening...a budding relationship....there is this nice pace to things, nothing feels rushed, but I could see potential for us. I hope he sees the same thing. I believe he does or else he wouldn't be around. I can't wait to see what blooms from this. I am so thankful for the things I have been through over the last few years so I would be ready for a man like him. I am glad he told me no when we first met and I wanted something more. I would have messed it up I am sure.

Peace out my peeps....have sweet dreams, I am off for bed myself.

Random Thoughts on Sex in Society

This post will be a little more adult than most and I will admit somethings I am even a little ashamed to admit. That is the part I don't understand, being ashamed. I am comfortable in my sexuality and what I like. So why is our society so quick to condemn in public what the majority of us are doing behind closed doors? That is what I was thinking about when I was watching porn last night.

I had seen a little bit of porn before I met ex-hubs, and he allowed me to examine my curiosity of it. However, I never wanted him to know when I watched it without him. I would literally rewind the VHS tape back to the spot it was on when I started the video. I didn't want to feel shame over watching it even though I was an adult woman. DVDs made my life easier. Now it doesn't seem to be the "norm" for a woman to watch porn or to even enjoy it, but I do. So, sue me. I watch porn everyday lately (possibly from boredom)....that is hard to admit, but true. I admit to downloading lots of different porn, to watching it on my phone and to having it on my iPod. I have made DVDs of my favorite downloads and have even shopped for it in a sex shop. The access to porn is so easy, people can find it through a simple image search on Google. Even talking to friends of mine they have admitted to just surfing and clicking though a porn site's videos when bored or even surfing through pictures on their phones.

Many of us (with or without a lover), have taken nude pictures, sexy pictures and even videos and shared those pictures and videos. Delving into amateur porn of sorts. Each time I take a nude pic of myself for someone or a video as a naughty lil surprise for a lover, I find myself feeling a little shame about it.

I still don't understand why our society doesn't embrace sex the way other cultures have. I see nothing wrong with legalizing prostitution, strip clubs or access to porn for adults. I don't believe in a hedonistic society where pleasure is the central role. However, I do believe there are more freaks than prudes in the United States.

I am not sure if I am done with this, but as the title stated....random thoughts

Peace out my peeps....remember to fly your freak flag proudly!

Addicted to FaceBook

Last time I was without work for a long time I got into the MySpace game Mobsters and chatted a lot to eat away the days.

My FaceBook addiction was about the same. My sister introduced me to Farmville and so I got into FaceBook. Then I found something else even better....People I knew were constantly updating this thing. Once I found I could get on through my phone, it was over. I think I refresh my FaceBook about 50-75 times a day.

Now here are some issues....

• On my smart phone when I go to the internet. Ninety percent of the time I click FaceBook even if I wanted Google instead.
• I find myself a little bit annoyed that people get quiet at times because I am bored and want entertainment. This is very difficult to admit.
• I have to stop myself from posting the most random stuff because I am bored and want to stir up conversation.
• I usually check FaceBook before I get out of bed in the morning.

I have no idea how I have allowed this thing to become so ingrained in my life. I am not giving it up, but an observation I had today. I wonder how more people are impacted by these social networks in which we all share the mundane to the crazy hourly. I have been in the car and read something on FaceBook and called a friend trying to find out what was going on. When they asked where I read it..."FaceBook".

This exact thing happened the other day with City and P2. City was browsing FaceBook while we were driving somewhere and hollers out that one of his homeboys is single. P2 wanted to know who and all of that info was shared. Then City had to call another homeboy to discuss the latest breaking news on FaceBook. Now two things come to mind, one we get a lot of our latest news from our friends and family through social networking and two men gossip like women, but that I can discuss later.

A personal story of my own. I had posted some major news on FaceBook. My sister calls me to harass me about telling the world before calling to tell her. I make sure to tell her any major changes that will be announced momentarily on FaceBook from now on to avoid another conversation like that one.

Peace out my Peeps....hope you had a beautiful Monday.

Beauty in the Hood part 2

Ok, so not exactly part 2 of this hood, but here is the thing...I feel you have to find beauty in everything. When I lived in The Chase, I heard gun shots, had 2 high profile murders, one on the news and one on First 48.

If you want to know part one you can read it here: Beauty in the Hood part 1

Now last night was kind of busy in my new Hood. First there were some gun shots. Two loud ones. Then around midnight a chick and her man got into it. Fuck this, Fuck that, Go fuck your hoes then, Nigga I hope the cops lock you up, I don't hit bitches but I am about to kick your mother fuckin ass hoe.....yeah that about sums it up LOL.

Things finally get quiet after that and I posted on FaceBook what had happened. After a few responses it occurred to me that I hadn't found anything beautiful in this hood. So this morning, I go out on my patio. The morning air is cool, but not cold; it feels wonderful. Sipping coffee and exercising my lung. Then I hear it, someone is playing a violin in the apartments. At first they are turning it some, then I hear them play. It isn't perfect, but is pretty and I realized right then that God blessed me. He wanted to give me something beautiful to focus on, like the parrots.

Peace out my peeps, remember to look for the beauty in the people and places around you.

Up, wide awake, no one to talk to...sooo...

I figured why not blog a few more things out :)

First off, my counselor will be very happy to know I have this back. She likes knowing I have an outlet LOL.

Overall, I have to say I love my life right now. I need to find a job soon, not just for income, but because I need to get the hell out of this apartment, UGH!!! Don't get me wrong, the forced vacation has been nice. But honestly, my life is pretty good right now.

So someone I have known for a while is back in my life and in a much more satisfying way for me. I may stick to my original nickname for him, McKinney. So after army pulled his dumbass move, and this guy in Sherman turned out to be a huge douche, I contacted McKinney. Now a little background here. A friend of McKinney's introduced us a little over 2 years ago, maybe close to three. Now this man met me after my arrest, but before I was put on probation. My life was a mess, I was a mess, but I really started to like him. Develop feelings for him. So I had to ask the question of where was this thing we were doing was going. He told me back then that he didn't see me that way and that we had a good thing going and lets not change it. I wanted more back then...but lets be honest, I wasn't ready. I needed to get my life back on track before I was ready to be committed to anyone.

So anyway....there was some miscommunication between McKinney and I. He knows I want to find a long term thing that may lead to marriage at some point. I am not rushing anything like that, but it is my desire to have a relationship with my best friend. Someone who can laugh with me, be strong for me when I am hurting, and who is my partner in life.

Once he and I worked out the miscommunication, it seems I have agreed (and happily I might add) to just see him. I have to say I was worried if he was serious, until he came over and hugged me. There was something in that hug that let me know he was serious about me being his and that I was special to him.

I am taking things slow, but it is possible I could fall for this man. I like him. I feel like we click and I really enjoy the time I get with him. I look forward to seeing how this develops and grows.

City and P2 are well, we have spent several afternoons chilling at my place over my forced vacation. P2 is almost 6 mos preggers now. It is so hard to believe.

Speaking on that....Pita is pregnant again, but as stated earlier, she wants me to leave her alone. Ex-hubs wants me to save her text message and refer back to it when she asks me for help next time. My counselor asked me why I keep giving her chances when she consistently lets me down. All I know is I keep hoping each time it will be different. One day it will be, I just hope I still have it in me to be there for her. I am sure I will, but she really hurt me this time.

Peace out my peeps...it feels so good to be me again.

Been waiting to have internet back....

I have a lot to say and I will try to break it into multiple posts. There are updates on Princess Pita, Army, City and P2. And someone new to talk about...ugh and I just gave him the address to this blog, but I am not going to change my honesty :)

Hell where to start.... probably Army. So he had a Christmas break, he came home on the 18th of December and I picked him up at the airport. Tons of texts and conversations gave no suspicion that things were different. He was still telling me how much he loved me and how he couldn't wait to see me.

We spend a great day together. I forgot how much I missed sex until that day. We spent the whole day together, my heart bursting with happiness at getting to see him. We went to my office Christmas party. He was very affectionate with me in public, everything seemed great. I drive him home to surprise his family.

Then it starts, going a couple of days with no texts or anything. He speaks to me a little on Christmas Day, then nothing. I call him on January 3rd to see what was going on and all he tells me is he can't talk to me anymore. No explanation, nothing.

I guess about a week later P2 is at the Casa and is told that Army got married on Dec 29th. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. FUCKER couldn't tell me??? Like seriously, I am not a fucking kid, I could have handled the news. I was so worried about moving on because he had been the first guy to treat me with respect and just love me for me, not for something I was giving him. He never asked for money or anything like that. I remember the night by the lake when he talked about marrying me. Funny how easily someone can lie to you. One thing he gave me was complete closure. I was happy to be able to have a definite end. He is a coward for not telling me. I have little respect for him because of it now.

Pita....UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE!!!! This child has all but lost her damn mind. So she turned 20 on January 20th, I picked her up, she was having a rough day, asshole made her go to work on her birthday. I mean, really? She can't take a day off of the pole on her birthday?

Anyway, I went to the club and kidnapped her, well not really, she is mine in the first damn place. And asshole calls, he and I get into a fight, Pita gets hysterical, ugh so he calls again and I let her talk to him. Then he and I get on the phone again screaming. I just know this man is so bad for my daughter. I have no power to get her out because she is an adult. Anyway that weekend she went with the thug (yes aka my original thug) to Austin, she gets home Sunday night and she says she is leaving asshole. She has a plan, I tell her she can stay at my place for a little while until she can get her own place. Everything is good. I go to bed around midnight. At 3:30am Pita is kissing me on the cheek and telling me she is going back to asshole. FUCK!!! I swear I NEVER DROPPED HER ON HER HEAD!!! She just, ugh, I don't know what to say.

So she calls me the next week and tells me she is mad at P2. I don't understand why. P2 and I just speak real shit to Pita and it pisses her off. So she is talking about the threat of going to jail and losing the baby if asshole gets caught up. I told her if she wasn't prepared to suffer the consequences of her risky lifestyle then maybe she shouldn't live a risky lifestyle.

I guess that pissed Pita off, she told me on Valentine's that she loves me, but all I have ever done is bring her into this world, nothing else and I need to leave her alone. She will decide when she talks to me again..."it may be a year, it may be never".....her words. It absolutely broke my heart. But if that is how she wants it, she can have it that way. I have no control.

More to come.....Peace out my peeps.

Doesn't even seem real

Tonight I took a major step in this finally getting my life back together thing I have been on lately.

I had a good day at work. Closed a couple of pretty great deals. SO wish I could find more, but I am getting the hang of this debt settlement thing. I believe I will do well with my commissions.

After work I went to look at a condo that was for rent. I was honest with the man about my background. Now I have to admit, he looks a lil like a slumlord, but I am going to give him the benefit of doubt and hope I am wrong. Anyway...I decided after I looked around that I wanted it. I put down the deposit and he even gave me the key. Now I need to make calls about electric, internet and DirecTV. Sigh....I am scared to death. I will talk to my counselor about that tomorrow.

It is odd to realize that by the time I move into this place I will have spent 36 years of my life living with another human being in the house. This will be my first time to ever live alone. I am scared of that thought, yet I am excited too. I can have company if I want, when I want. I have to learn to cook for one. I will have my kitty, unfortunately this didn't happen fast enough for his brother to join us, but he will be with Sam and I in spirit.

I am going to try to get some sleep.

Peace out my peeps...may you have blessings shower over you, as they have for me.