Thursday, December 22, 2011

Time to let some shit out!

Look my counselor keeps telling me she wants me to journal.  I can't really journal pen to paper like I use to, when I put my pencil to paper I want to sketch.  So I have decided blogging will work just as well.  I know this is best and I bottle shit up, but fine....let's talk...or better yet let me talk.

PITA - you know I understand she is influenced/brain washed, whatever, but my OWN FUCKING daughter didn't say even fuck you to me on my birthday.  I have never done anything to that child to earn what I get back from her.  I loved her and sacrificed for her.  Yet it is as if none of that ever happened.  I apparently was just the vessel by which her greatness emerged.  I am hurt, but then honestly I don't think I expected different deep down.  I just always keep this tiny candle of hope burning that she will wake up and just have her show me she cares about me a little bit.

PITA2 - feel even more pissed about her than I do with PITA.

MCKINNEY - Had high hopes that the 3rd time would be a charm.  He took me to lunch we had great conversation, I enjoyed my time with him.  Then texts and nothing else.  I understand why he thinks I am side stepping his advances and it is simply because I don't know what to make of his courting technique.

I want to date someone in a traditional kind of way.  I want this ONE thing in my life to be traditional.  That may seem so unlike me, but I am a little old fashioned about falling in love and dating.  I deserve that in my life.  No one takes the time anymore or goes out of their way to show that another person means something to them.  Honestly a text telling me you want me sexually doesn't ring my bell.  But maybe a song that made you think of me.  It's like men can't see me for anything but sex.  I would rather be single that just someone's bedroom toy that is put on the shelf except at night when he wants to play.  I want a partner and a best friend.  I want a man who wants to sit and play board games with me late one night and talk to me about his childhood and growing up....but see I am not the aggressor.  I can tell a man what I want but if he doesn't take the reigns he will miss his chance with me, as is happening with the few men I have tried to date.

WORK - Thank you for letting me out of my cell today at thee but pay me for my full 8 hours. BUT this shit with my paycheck is pissing me off.  I swear it really has messed with me this week.  Anyway, there is more I just don't care enough to bitch about it.  I do my job, they are happy...'nough said.

CHRISTINE - I love you.  Happy Birthday.  I believe you are watching over me in your own way and I appreciate the blessings that come with that.  I hope you are at peace.  The girls are so beautiful and doing so well. I think about you often.  Even more this time of year because you worked so hard to make Christmas nearly perfect and I thank you for that.

Ok, enough of my rant.  Now on to what I really wanted to write about, but that gets its own post.