Nope, won't ever do it fully, but the more time I spend apart from my ex, the more I find myself. I miss him, he was and still is a very good man, who has tried hard to help me no matter what. I will always be thankful for the time we had as a couple and the friendship we have created even through divorce and him getting remarried.
I have learned so many things in this journey. No one will ever be able to understand how far I have come, unless they were there to see me go from normal, to insane, and now back on the other side....to well, I guess me. I once thought that it would all be easier if I just quietly went off and died, now I realize what a coward I was to go through the pain that I needed to go through. I punished myself far more than anyone else could have for the wrongs I have done to people in my life. I was never a "bad" person, never really did anything to harm another intentionally. But there were some wrongs I did, that I had to a pay a price for. And in many ways, I am still punishing myself. Just now it isn't drugs or staying locked up in my house refusing to be apart of the world.
I sometimes wish i had blogged more through this all, then maybe one day I could go back, read over it and see where I was and how far I have come. I know things were so dark once that I felt like I was blind, now I just have times where I put blinders on, just so I can punish myself a little more.
There are days when I would give anything to go back and change some of my decisions and then I think about how far I have come, where I am at today and I don't think I want to give that up. I am becoming more proud of myself over time. And one day I will be a woman that I can say I am proud I have become. Strong, independent, capable of handling any situation with class and dignity and not allow my IQ to be decreased by becoming so mad that I can't think straight and keep a clear level head about what is happening or what needs to happen. (Sgt BB, thank you for reminding me that there is actual scientific proof of how our IQ drops when we get angry).
I even think one day I will find a man who will bring me up, who will compliment me in every area of my life and who will stand strong beside me and be proud to call me his. I am not sure when that day will come or if I even trust myself to not fuck it up. I just know that one day, I will be blessed with that man when he enters my life and I pray that I will see him for what he is and be the woman he needs.
Peace out my peeps, I know no one really checks this blog anymore, and maybe that is a good thing, but if you do stop by, feel free to say hi.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Friday, December 26, 2008
Letting Go
So yesterday, the climax of months of mean hateful treatment (not constant) by my daughter happened. I finally kicked her free-loading bf's ass to the curb. He was coming down off drugs (according to the kid) and I came at him "wrong" and the fight the broke out is one worth writing about.
First off he backed me into a wall chest to chest with me, screaming in my face. Then when I followed to the room he shared with my daughter, I was told to get out. I responded that it is my place, I pay the bills and he didn't have the right to tell me to leave. When I wouldn't leave he threatened to move me, I told him, do what you think you have to and he put his hands on me to move me. During all this, the kid is yelling at me, fighting for the bf.
I finally tell the kid she needs to pack her shit too. And she does. I am sick at this point with emotion....are in the house calling people and he is sitting there talking shit, says he is talking to himself but saying shit about me out loud and when I respond, I am told by the kid to shut up. ME I AM THE ONE WHO IS TOLD TO SHUT UP!!!! So I turn on her. This person that I gave birth to, raised and cared for and provided for. I told her I couldn't believe that she is allowing him to talk to me this way. That she was ok with it. To which he says "go sit next to your mom and suck on her tit". I told him to get the fuck out of my house NOW. There was no waiting to call people and find a place to go, he was to get his bags immediately and get out the front door. And of course the kid follows.
The kid needs to come back in to charge her phone....I let her and before I let her leave I ask her to talk to me. I am leaning on the front door not allowing her to leave. She tells me to get the fuck out of her way. I told her I wasn't moving, she could try to move me herself but I wanted to talk. She starts shoving. When that doesn't work, she starts slapping the shit out of me. Then I hit back. Then I go back to the door. She proceeds to punch the hell out of my right arm (there is a pretty bruise there now, about as big as the palm of my hand or so). Then she decides the best course of action is to call 911 and tell them I won't let her leave. While she is on the phone, I tell her to get out, I take her shit and throw it out the front door and lock it. Now the sad part, her bf is standing at the door the whole time laughing, you can hear him through the door. It makes me want to fucking puke how rude the two of them were.
So I am in the house, spent, crying, sore as hell and in shock that my own fucking kid would call the cops. I get a couple of phone calls and then I get an odd one for me. It is her ex. He is calling me to see what is going on. I explain what I can. He tells me she was left by her bf, he went off with his friends and left her out in the cold, with a trash bag of her stuff and no where to go. Then I get a call from her, "Mom can you come pick me up at the Target?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! She beats the hell out of me says she is leaving with her bf, but less than 30 min passes and she needs my help??? OMFG!!! So that I am thinking straight I call her dad. He tells me he wouldn't go get her. So when she calls again, I am able to tell her she knows where I am, if she wants to talk, she knows where to find me and I hang up.
She gets back here and she breaks down, but the only reason she called me....NO ONE ELSE WOULD GIVE HER A PLACE TO STAY!!! She tells me last night that she doesn't want to talk, she needs time to process things. So I gave her that. I went to bed, read a book feeling hurt and betrayed to a level I have never felt in my entire life and sick that she was in my house. I didn't want her here. I felt like she didn't want to be here and I couldn't figure out why I should let her stay. I didn't sleep well, but thank GOD for hydrocodone for the pain and it helped me to rest some.
So Christmas day I get up and start getting ready, my sister had invited me to her place and in light of what the kid did, she was not welcome at my sister's home. So I went. I had a great day and my BIL took my keys and kind of held me hostage at their place until about 10:45 at night. By the time I made it home the kid was livid....pissed that she spent Christmas alone. Doesn't feel that she should have spent the holiday alone and I guess I was just supposed to forgive and forget everything with her. Yes I had told her I wanted to come home and maybe make a nice dinner, but I didn't make it and I had a great day without drama.
She started telling me about the people that support her and aren't mad at her for what happened yesterday, they don't approve but they aren't mad at her. How she should be allowed to live here and not have any responsibility to help out with bills or anything else because she is my kid. You know, she quit being a kid when she decided to get pregnant and drop out of school and be an adult. As she says she is a grown ass woman. So if that is the case, then shouldn't she be held to grown up responsibilities? The parents of one of her friends wants to help her get a checking account set up because she is worried if it is set up in my name then I will spend the kid's money....FUCK YOU!!! YOUR BASTARDS DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER RUDE DISRESPECTFUL ASS EVERY FUCKING DAY!
Then she tell me, she knows why she treats me the way she does, but it is none of my business and she doesn't want to talk about it. So I have decided tonight, since I don't mean shit to her (I am just the reason her fucking ass exists in this world) and I don't deserve any respect from her then she needs to leave. All she is going to do is drag me down, day in and day out and I can't have that. I need to be fixing my life not just stuck in a rut being told or treated like I am a worthless piece of shit.
I hope your Christmas was better than mine.
First off he backed me into a wall chest to chest with me, screaming in my face. Then when I followed to the room he shared with my daughter, I was told to get out. I responded that it is my place, I pay the bills and he didn't have the right to tell me to leave. When I wouldn't leave he threatened to move me, I told him, do what you think you have to and he put his hands on me to move me. During all this, the kid is yelling at me, fighting for the bf.
I finally tell the kid she needs to pack her shit too. And she does. I am sick at this point with emotion....are in the house calling people and he is sitting there talking shit, says he is talking to himself but saying shit about me out loud and when I respond, I am told by the kid to shut up. ME I AM THE ONE WHO IS TOLD TO SHUT UP!!!! So I turn on her. This person that I gave birth to, raised and cared for and provided for. I told her I couldn't believe that she is allowing him to talk to me this way. That she was ok with it. To which he says "go sit next to your mom and suck on her tit". I told him to get the fuck out of my house NOW. There was no waiting to call people and find a place to go, he was to get his bags immediately and get out the front door. And of course the kid follows.
The kid needs to come back in to charge her phone....I let her and before I let her leave I ask her to talk to me. I am leaning on the front door not allowing her to leave. She tells me to get the fuck out of her way. I told her I wasn't moving, she could try to move me herself but I wanted to talk. She starts shoving. When that doesn't work, she starts slapping the shit out of me. Then I hit back. Then I go back to the door. She proceeds to punch the hell out of my right arm (there is a pretty bruise there now, about as big as the palm of my hand or so). Then she decides the best course of action is to call 911 and tell them I won't let her leave. While she is on the phone, I tell her to get out, I take her shit and throw it out the front door and lock it. Now the sad part, her bf is standing at the door the whole time laughing, you can hear him through the door. It makes me want to fucking puke how rude the two of them were.
So I am in the house, spent, crying, sore as hell and in shock that my own fucking kid would call the cops. I get a couple of phone calls and then I get an odd one for me. It is her ex. He is calling me to see what is going on. I explain what I can. He tells me she was left by her bf, he went off with his friends and left her out in the cold, with a trash bag of her stuff and no where to go. Then I get a call from her, "Mom can you come pick me up at the Target?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! She beats the hell out of me says she is leaving with her bf, but less than 30 min passes and she needs my help??? OMFG!!! So that I am thinking straight I call her dad. He tells me he wouldn't go get her. So when she calls again, I am able to tell her she knows where I am, if she wants to talk, she knows where to find me and I hang up.
She gets back here and she breaks down, but the only reason she called me....NO ONE ELSE WOULD GIVE HER A PLACE TO STAY!!! She tells me last night that she doesn't want to talk, she needs time to process things. So I gave her that. I went to bed, read a book feeling hurt and betrayed to a level I have never felt in my entire life and sick that she was in my house. I didn't want her here. I felt like she didn't want to be here and I couldn't figure out why I should let her stay. I didn't sleep well, but thank GOD for hydrocodone for the pain and it helped me to rest some.
So Christmas day I get up and start getting ready, my sister had invited me to her place and in light of what the kid did, she was not welcome at my sister's home. So I went. I had a great day and my BIL took my keys and kind of held me hostage at their place until about 10:45 at night. By the time I made it home the kid was livid....pissed that she spent Christmas alone. Doesn't feel that she should have spent the holiday alone and I guess I was just supposed to forgive and forget everything with her. Yes I had told her I wanted to come home and maybe make a nice dinner, but I didn't make it and I had a great day without drama.
She started telling me about the people that support her and aren't mad at her for what happened yesterday, they don't approve but they aren't mad at her. How she should be allowed to live here and not have any responsibility to help out with bills or anything else because she is my kid. You know, she quit being a kid when she decided to get pregnant and drop out of school and be an adult. As she says she is a grown ass woman. So if that is the case, then shouldn't she be held to grown up responsibilities? The parents of one of her friends wants to help her get a checking account set up because she is worried if it is set up in my name then I will spend the kid's money....FUCK YOU!!! YOUR BASTARDS DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER RUDE DISRESPECTFUL ASS EVERY FUCKING DAY!
Then she tell me, she knows why she treats me the way she does, but it is none of my business and she doesn't want to talk about it. So I have decided tonight, since I don't mean shit to her (I am just the reason her fucking ass exists in this world) and I don't deserve any respect from her then she needs to leave. All she is going to do is drag me down, day in and day out and I can't have that. I need to be fixing my life not just stuck in a rut being told or treated like I am a worthless piece of shit.
I hope your Christmas was better than mine.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
82
According to a card reader I should die when I am 82, but as I move forward I sometimes think I am going to me a lot younger by several decades.
I finally have my life cleaned up, no more drugs, and I am trying like hell to do what is right, but I can't get a job and the things I have done for money I don't want to discuss. I have had people use me up in the last year and a half and I have learned that the human spirit can only take so much before it finally starts dying. As much as I feel like I have made leaps and bounds in my independent life and I have.....my spirit is dying....and I am starting to wonder again if it is even worth trying to save.
The world is not good. People are not basically good. People use each other any way they can, and they will use another person up until there is nothing left and then move on to the next person.
Please, God, hear my prayer and put me out of my misery.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
December Blues
As the holidays get closer I realize that I am battling those December blues I get every year. It use to come from me wanting to create the "perfect holiday". I know that is and unreasonable expectation, but it was always something I wanted. But this year the blues seem to be burning from another more personal desire. I want to be a part of life again.
I have lost a big chunk of the last two years, first by being "crazy" for about 6 months and then putting myself on house arrest for about 10 months. It is like I have let life disappear around me. I have few friends, can count them on one hand, and no job. I am just lost.
I want someone to share life with again, someone that I can lean on and laugh with, someone who can be my partner and who will walk beside me. After all this time, I haven't found anyone I am willing to do that with. I haven't found anyone who seems like that is what they want or anyone who does want it that can keep my attention. I am so tired of being alone all the damn time. There are plenty of men who want to be a friend with benefits or a fuck buddy or my booty call, but honestly, that is soooooooo unfulfilling and later I realize I just ache for something more.
I know none of this is making any sense, just putting my thoughts in writing.
Peace out peeps.....
I have lost a big chunk of the last two years, first by being "crazy" for about 6 months and then putting myself on house arrest for about 10 months. It is like I have let life disappear around me. I have few friends, can count them on one hand, and no job. I am just lost.
I want someone to share life with again, someone that I can lean on and laugh with, someone who can be my partner and who will walk beside me. After all this time, I haven't found anyone I am willing to do that with. I haven't found anyone who seems like that is what they want or anyone who does want it that can keep my attention. I am so tired of being alone all the damn time. There are plenty of men who want to be a friend with benefits or a fuck buddy or my booty call, but honestly, that is soooooooo unfulfilling and later I realize I just ache for something more.
I know none of this is making any sense, just putting my thoughts in writing.
Peace out peeps.....
Thursday, October 16, 2008
There is a LOT more to me....
So I was introduced to a guy and thought he was nice. Still do. He is sweet but just looking for a fuck buddy and nothing more....
I have come across this many times at this point. What the hell?? Has every man near my age decided that sex with one person with no commitment is ok??? What is the fucking point?
Ex-hubs and several close friends know I have a very open mind about sex and enjoy it very much, but I do NOT want to be some one's booty call.
I want so badly to meet someone and date. I am more than a body to fuck.
I have come across this many times at this point. What the hell?? Has every man near my age decided that sex with one person with no commitment is ok??? What is the fucking point?
Ex-hubs and several close friends know I have a very open mind about sex and enjoy it very much, but I do NOT want to be some one's booty call.
I want so badly to meet someone and date. I am more than a body to fuck.
Friday, September 05, 2008
The 'hood has gone nuts
So we had that wonderful activity to start Sunday at midnight...let me tell you the rest....
At 4:20 am sirens are coming into the complex...a couple of fire trucks and ambulances and a LOT of cop cars. Turns out someone was shot 15 times about 200 yards from my apartment and killed by the big boss of the complex.
Then Sunday night some chick is screaming at the top of her lungs for someone to help her because her guy is beating the shit out of her. I can hear them from the front of my apartment, but turned out they were in the court yard behind me.
Then Monday night some crackhead was seen at the corner store and someone had cut his neck.
Then early Thursday morning there were 5 cops cars blocking the apartments...I have no confirmation of this but it seems that someone else may have been shot.
Sooooo....that is the joy of my hood :-) I believe I will have to start calling it Beirut.
As for an update on me....I am scared to death about money. I still don't have a job, still don't seem to have any even close to lined up, retirement money isn't here yet and I have no way to make bills or have gas or eat now. Keep praying something comes through.
At 4:20 am sirens are coming into the complex...a couple of fire trucks and ambulances and a LOT of cop cars. Turns out someone was shot 15 times about 200 yards from my apartment and killed by the big boss of the complex.
Then Sunday night some chick is screaming at the top of her lungs for someone to help her because her guy is beating the shit out of her. I can hear them from the front of my apartment, but turned out they were in the court yard behind me.
Then Monday night some crackhead was seen at the corner store and someone had cut his neck.
Then early Thursday morning there were 5 cops cars blocking the apartments...I have no confirmation of this but it seems that someone else may have been shot.
Sooooo....that is the joy of my hood :-) I believe I will have to start calling it Beirut.
As for an update on me....I am scared to death about money. I still don't have a job, still don't seem to have any even close to lined up, retirement money isn't here yet and I have no way to make bills or have gas or eat now. Keep praying something comes through.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Fun Times in the 'Hood
So tonight, while watching tv and chillin in the living room, I hear a gun shot. Not sure where it come from...
We kind of get down, and another pops off, that one sounded like a shot gun. Then while checking with someone in the building behind me we hear 4 more shots.
Gotta love the 'hood.
We kind of get down, and another pops off, that one sounded like a shot gun. Then while checking with someone in the building behind me we hear 4 more shots.
Gotta love the 'hood.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Must be in the water
It has to be in the water. I am so fucking sick of flaky ass people.
So I wrote about my friend that just poofed on me. At least I get a random email every now and again...but still he is flaky and in his own little world, but the funny thing is I understand his world.
Then I have this friend that I see on occasion...he and I saw each other last Sunday, I have tried to reach him a little this week...no response. Not abnormal, but under the circumstances I think I would have heard from him...but NO.
Then a girlfriend of mine who is sweet as can be. Talk to her nearly every day, she sends me a message to tell me she is fucking up again and will be out of touch of a while and not to worry.
My God people....stop drinking the water that makes you flake out on other people and life in general.
So I wrote about my friend that just poofed on me. At least I get a random email every now and again...but still he is flaky and in his own little world, but the funny thing is I understand his world.
Then I have this friend that I see on occasion...he and I saw each other last Sunday, I have tried to reach him a little this week...no response. Not abnormal, but under the circumstances I think I would have heard from him...but NO.
Then a girlfriend of mine who is sweet as can be. Talk to her nearly every day, she sends me a message to tell me she is fucking up again and will be out of touch of a while and not to worry.
My God people....stop drinking the water that makes you flake out on other people and life in general.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Life is funny sometimes
So I meet this person online...pure chance, but his ad caught my attention and he claimed he wasn't looking for a relationship, just a friend.
Our birthdays are close together and based on his ad he sounded like someone I would really click with. I replied to his ad and we started talking. How much we have in common is insane. We have read the same series of books with the same favorite in the series. We like the same movies, foods, have this relationship with music, he is creative and a free spirit. We have conversations that have come down to one of us saying "me too" so many times.
We finally started talking about moving our relationship forward. And then he disappeared. I knew he was going through some stuff, I just didn't know how bad. Now that I do, I struggle even more with him being so distant. I understand it, but I know I can help. Damn it!!! He and I are so much alike that I get it. I know where he is, I about 95% sure I even know what would help soooooooo much. But what can a person do when the other person insists on being distant?
He is in this really dark place mentally and emotionally. I get that. I know what that place is like for me. Based on how much alike we are I am pretty sure I understand his place. My ex always tried to fix everything when I was in that place figuring that was what I needed to come out of it. Picture if you will a dark closet, you are all curled up in a nice blanket in the corn with door closed and you don't want to leave...you feel safe there while you are healing from whatever has put you there. You don't want someone to throw open the door and turn on the light and insist you get up shake it off and all with be fine (that is sort of what the ex did, and I love him to this day for trying) but that wasn't ever what I needed. I needed someone to quietly open the door, closed it behind them as they settled down on the floor with me and sat with me in that dark place while I healed a little. And just their presence is enough to speed up the process so much, because I would never want someone else to miss out on life for me. I wouldn't let someone else suffer for my depression.
I guess I will just try to stay in touch with him and let him know I am here to sit with him quietly in the dark :-) I just adore him as a friend and don't want to ever lose that.
Peace out my peeps...hug the people you love when you say goodbye and tell them you love them. You never know when it will be the last time.
Our birthdays are close together and based on his ad he sounded like someone I would really click with. I replied to his ad and we started talking. How much we have in common is insane. We have read the same series of books with the same favorite in the series. We like the same movies, foods, have this relationship with music, he is creative and a free spirit. We have conversations that have come down to one of us saying "me too" so many times.
We finally started talking about moving our relationship forward. And then he disappeared. I knew he was going through some stuff, I just didn't know how bad. Now that I do, I struggle even more with him being so distant. I understand it, but I know I can help. Damn it!!! He and I are so much alike that I get it. I know where he is, I about 95% sure I even know what would help soooooooo much. But what can a person do when the other person insists on being distant?
He is in this really dark place mentally and emotionally. I get that. I know what that place is like for me. Based on how much alike we are I am pretty sure I understand his place. My ex always tried to fix everything when I was in that place figuring that was what I needed to come out of it. Picture if you will a dark closet, you are all curled up in a nice blanket in the corn with door closed and you don't want to leave...you feel safe there while you are healing from whatever has put you there. You don't want someone to throw open the door and turn on the light and insist you get up shake it off and all with be fine (that is sort of what the ex did, and I love him to this day for trying) but that wasn't ever what I needed. I needed someone to quietly open the door, closed it behind them as they settled down on the floor with me and sat with me in that dark place while I healed a little. And just their presence is enough to speed up the process so much, because I would never want someone else to miss out on life for me. I wouldn't let someone else suffer for my depression.
I guess I will just try to stay in touch with him and let him know I am here to sit with him quietly in the dark :-) I just adore him as a friend and don't want to ever lose that.
Peace out my peeps...hug the people you love when you say goodbye and tell them you love them. You never know when it will be the last time.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
WTF?!? PITA is a Prostitue now??
Well as anyone who probably reads here, knows I live in a rough part of town (but I still love it). But even this surprises me.
On Friday PITA went to the front of the complex to meet a friend. She was standing under a tree to be out of the sun looking for their car. The manager came out of the office and asked if she lived here, she said yes, and they told her she had to leave. When asked what the deal was, we found out the apartment managers felt PITA was soliciting cars on the corner. THEY CALLED MY KID A HOOKER!!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!
I called down and bitched them out...only to have both women come to my apartment door...I think they were checking to see if PITA really lived here....but they apologized for the assumption and said that it wouldn't happen again. But it doesn't change the fact that they thought my kid was hooking on the corner.....gotta love living in the 'hood.
On Friday PITA went to the front of the complex to meet a friend. She was standing under a tree to be out of the sun looking for their car. The manager came out of the office and asked if she lived here, she said yes, and they told her she had to leave. When asked what the deal was, we found out the apartment managers felt PITA was soliciting cars on the corner. THEY CALLED MY KID A HOOKER!!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!
I called down and bitched them out...only to have both women come to my apartment door...I think they were checking to see if PITA really lived here....but they apologized for the assumption and said that it wouldn't happen again. But it doesn't change the fact that they thought my kid was hooking on the corner.....gotta love living in the 'hood.
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