Makes me Wonder

What a great song that is from Maroon 5....Not sure why I love it so much but I do.

I am still avoiding doing my grades....but as soon as I am done with this I am going to work on them. There are just somethings as a teacher that I don't like to do. Grading is one of them.

The weekend has been fairly good. Even with a few snags. Friday night was the graduation. I really enjoyed seeing my family and hanging out with them some. It is still hard because of the issues with me and my dad, but who knows, one day I might feel like I fit in a little again. Then I went to meet a gentleman for drinks and guess what....he didn't show up....that was a little sad, but all in all it didn't bring me down. (On a side note, I got a message from him today that he got into a car accident and was sorry he didn't call or email....hmmmmm)

Hubs sent me an email on Friday that should have upset me, but it didn't. He went out of town with his new girlfriend. And I honestly wish them well. I figured this weekend would be a good time for them to move to a new level in their relationship. When I told him this he took it as a pop shot and I truly wish he hadn't. I know he has moved on and is trying to find some happiness and and I wish him nothing but....I hope one day he will understand I have little to no hard feelings and still dearly love him.

When I spoke to my counselor this last week who is helping me cope with everything, she told me I could have 100% hope that my marriage might come back together and live in 100% reality that it may not and go ahead and move on. So that is what I am trying to do. It is hard. I know there was a time when reconciling was the thing I wanted most, but as soon as I accepted that hubs was never coming back I was able to move on some. I still have my moments and I think I had one of those tonight. That is neither here nor there and I am better now, so that is all that matters.

PITA is dealing with an issue. He ex boyfriend's new girlfriend was sending her harassing text messages tonight. I finally called the girl and suggest she stop or we would have to take the matter to the cops. We will see if she quits....if not I will deal with her in a completely different way. PITA also moved on to another boyfriend tonight....ugh, gotta love 16 year old young love.

Just had to respond

I decided this morning I needed to respond to the poster who's message I deleted.

Let me make a couple of things clear. One I had an affair. Hubs moved out to get me to wake up and realize what I was about to lose if I didn't give in to his request. Before he moved out he started dating someone new. It took me a month to venture out and try the dating thing after hubs moved out and moved on. Please do me a favor and don't pretend you know something about a situation you aren't in the middle of.

My main goal would be to reconcile with my husband who I still love very much, however I also need to move on as if that will never happen. Meeting new friends and not staying in bed crying and doing dumb ass destructive shit is part of that.

Hubs, I know the comment wasn't from you...but the poster felt you should run for the hills. They just didn't know that you moved on before I even accepted my first date with someone.

Peace out peeps...hope you all have a great FRIDAY!

Myself and I....

...have some straightening out to do.

Sorry, listening to a little music before posting. I may have to post a few of the lyrics to this song while explaining my whimsical mood today. Damn it, I was just about getting use to the depression too, even though my dearest friends were missing the more upbeat, fun me! Have any of you noticed how beautiful days have been recently?? If not, call me, I will help pick up you and make you feel great.

Hubs, if you are out there....just wanted to let you know that I hope you are enjoying your time as much as I am. It is scary how addictive a little freedom can be and in not talking to you and breaking away from that grind of being told how shitty I am, I have come back around to myself. You know, the woman you originally fell in love with and whom you hate at the moment. Take care my dear....Lord knows I am enjoying the hell out of life right now.

Oh and hubs....for you.....

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But Ive got to
get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the
dark ahead if I stay

Now....PTG and I have talked a couple of times. Short little conversations, he is working on a pretty big project and is super busy and add to that the end of school things that I have to do. Time is precious right now and there isn't a whole lot of it. Honestly, I need to use mine a little more wisely so I can get more things done, but we all know how much fun play time can be. LOL

Anyway...the weekend is fast approaching. I can't believe Friday night my sister is graduating. That is still blowing my mind. When did these kids grow up?? My other little sister will be coming over to hang out with her partner in crime (aka PITA) Saturday. Since they will be busy I may plan on going out Saturday night for some fun. The new Pirates movie is out and I would love to go see it. I have invited PTG to go with me....hoping he will say yes.

Peace out my peeps....enjoy the the goodness in the days ahead. We all need that sometimes.

7 "New" Wonders of the World

I thought this might interest the class....there is a campaigne to vote in 7 "new" wonders of the world. If you don't know about it click here and check it out for yourself. The new wonders will be announced on July 7, 2007 (07.07.07)

Amatuer Psychology

It is great having good friends that talk to you enough that they help you see what is going on in your mind without even meaning to.

This morning in a conversation I had with my Pirate in Crime, I came to the conclusion that I feel guilty for wanting out of my marriage and for finding happiness without my husband. I am also struggling with the idea that he can find happiness without me. We spent so many years trying to keep us together and at least I have last fall to remind me of the good times. He and I were at our peak of being good together then. I wish we had kept that going, but something in him back then wouldn't allow that to happen. I am still so angry at him for that. I was happy and he was all I wanted in the world and he had to go and ruin it. At some point I am going to have to deal with that anger over that. I truly miss those days back then and how well we were together. Life was good. Now I am in a place where I have to find good on my own. And scary enough, I can, quite easily. It is only when I talk to hubs that I feel awful. I love him. I wish I was the one for him. I want so bad to be the one to make him happy and to have him make me happy, but somewhere deep down I just don't think that is possible.

This weekend he once again stabbed me in the heart with the fact that there is no hope for reconciliation. I just keep thinking somewhere that he and I need to go through this to find our way back to each other....sounds stupid huh?

Now...on to what has got me sounding a little happier these days. Last week I went out with a new friend. I guess it was a date, even though when hubs asked me if I was going on a date I just told him I was going out. He says I was still lying by omission. Anyway...the night was great. Wonderful conversation and a great meal and great company and a good night kiss and a promise to get together again soon. HE WANTED TO SEE ME AGAIN!! Ok, I know that shouldn't seem to exciting, but to me it was.

I have never done this dating thing. I had PITA when I was 16, never "dated" before I had her. Then I met hubs when I was 17, my first week in college. He and I never really "dated" because I had PITA and he and I seemed to just to fall into a serious committed relationship and never looked back. All these years I wasn't sure about what the dating thing would be like.

Now my new friend is a certified personal trainer and self employed (from here on out he will be known as PTG "personal trainer guy") and sweet as can be. PTG was out of town this weekend and that was why he really wanted to make sure to see me last week before flying out of town. I sent him a text yesterday that said to give me a call if he felt up to it when he got back into town. I was looking forward to hearing about the concert he went to out of state. He called and invited me over to his place. It was great to just sit and talk to him. Four hours of talking...neat to be with someone who talks as much as I do, plus he is interested in several things that I am interested in as well. If for nothing else...he will be a fun friend to have.

So anyway...

This week I have my sister's graduation. It is so odd to think she is graduating from high school. I remember the first time I saw her when she was 2 years old. I didn't know if I was going to like her too much and she dug a place in my heart over the next year or so. I loved her very dearly. Even though today we aren't as close as I had hoped, she is still very important to me and I can't wait to see her walk on Friday night.

More later....

Shhh

Do you hear that? Not sure I do either, but it sounds like the pitter patter of change.

Just random thoughts

I was thinking while in the shower...my favorite place to think......

Since I have woken up this morning I have wanted to text or call hubs. So far I haven't and I am going to try to make it a whole day without doing that. It is so hard because I want to talk to him. I miss him. But every phone call or even the texts have become hateful and mean. I get hurt more often than not and that is reason to not call.

But while I was in the shower I got to thinking....I need to break this need to talk to him for one. But then I thought, would he maybe make a deal. I know those of you that know me well are thinking here we go again. But I was thinking...if he would come home. Not only would I break contact with many of my male friends (there are about 3 I need to keep) but I would also give hubs all access to everything in my life so he would know I am being honest. All email accounts and everything. I want him to check my phone records and read my texts to make sure I am being honest with him so he would know that I am not doing anything I shouldn't be. I want to build that trust back up.

I even thought for a second....since he is hurt by the fact that people here know about my affairs is to just pack up, sell the house and move somewhere else. Get new teaching jobs and start all over with our lives. A fresh start. A completely new beginning. I am willing to uproot my whole life to put things back on track with my husband. Leave everything I know and love to make my marriage work.

I wonder if that would be enough for him?

Another tough one

After I got out my feelings on the blog, I just curled back up in bed and went to sleep. I didn't get up the rest of the day. Around six PITA came to me to find out what we were doing for dinner. I rolled out of bed long enough to take her to Toxic Hell and I got me a bite to eat too. I at least stayed up and watched a movie and a couple of tv shows.

Then it started to come over me. That darkness. I feels it in my gut and it spreads and everything seems like doom and gloom. I absolutely hate that feeling. I took it for as long as I could. Feeling it in every cell of my body. I came to bed, with every intention to do something to help relieve this ache and as I logged on to the computer, my cousin in Iraq happen to be on. He sent me a message and so far as we are talking now I am feeling the gloom back off a little. It is now just a lump sitting in my gut.

One good thing happened today though....tall guy messaged me from his concert to tell me he wished I was there rockin' out with him. I do to right now. I know that would have kept my mind off things.

Some days I wonder what good it would do to keep fighting for my marriage. But even for as much as I enjoyed my evening out on Thursday (which nearly made me change the blog for a short time to a brighter view of things) I still wish I had my husband next to me tonight. Holding me. Telling me he loves me. Letting me know that things would be ok in the morning. He always, even when I was losing it, helped to bring me back down and calm my system. I haven't figured out the best way to accomplish that calming feeling on my own yet. I will keep trying.

How is a person suppose to accept the end of their life as they know it? Not just the material stuff but the emotional as well. You spend all these years with someone and then they just aren't there anymore. I think it would be easier if one of us had died. That is final. But since he isn't dead, I keep thinking there is this chance that he and I can fix this. Not sure why I want to since he keeps telling me how much he doesn't want anything to do with me.

Peace out my peeps....I hope your Saturday was good and your Sunday is better. Find peace and calmness for yourselves.

Cold Turkey

How do you cold turkey a habit? Seriously...don't you need to replace the old habit with something new?

I have had several dear friends tell me that I need to cut off communication with hubs, cold turkey. I have no idea how to do that. Our whole lives are still wrapped up in each other. But every time I talk to him, I feel like the lowest piece of dirt on earth. It is how I felt a lot during our marriage when he would talk down to me on something I would say or he made a point to make me feel stupid a lot of the time. These kinds of things only happened in private and never in public.

Anyway, today I sent a message to see if he was out. I mainly wanted to know if he was running errands, if he was going to be on this side of town then he could drop off the fraud paper for the checks that were stolen. However, when we talked I was told I am not doing enough with this theft. I don't know what else I can do. I work on the opposite side of the world from my bank. He is right here in town. But then I realized, this isn't his life anymore. He walked out on it. He doesn't have to worry if people are writing checks on OUR JOINT ACCOUNT. Since his name wasn't forged it is all on me and he doesn't have to worry about it because it isn't his life anymore. He is starting a new one. He has moved on. He isn't looking back and yes I can't seem to get in my head completely that this is over.

Last night it was told to me that by my mom of all people, that she didn't feel hubs and I could be friends. As much as I hate to admit it, she may be right. Even when we have friend conversations he reminds me what a low life piece of shit I am. I know that is from anger, but my goodness work through some of it all ready. This new woman in his life was willing to betray a friend to start a relationship based on the lie that she thinks he is the perfect man. DAMN IT ALL TO FUCKING HELL!! The thing that pisses me off is I am the one with a big fucking scarlet A on my ass for having an affair, but he walks away smelling like fucking roses because "he was always so good to TG and she did this to him". Fuck ya'll, fuck all ya'll. You don't know the half of it because I wouldn't trash him like he is so fucking willing to do to me. I have never told people how he would ignore me and treat me as if I wasn't even there. How he quit touching me. How he quit kissing me years ago. I don't talk about all of his bad habits. I can't even do it here. I still protect him and take the majority of the blame on my fucking self.

I have taken the blame so hard on myself that I took to cutting to just help me freaking get through the guilt, pain, anger, rage and any other feelings I can't put a name to. I broke down finally to see a counselor to help me come to terms with my world because I can't seem to accept it and start the process of moving on.

This man that spent 15 years with me walked out the door and never looked back. He says for 3 weeks I had a choice. I am starting to think he was done long ago and wanted to be able to hurt me and reject me like I did him with my affairs. I understand that. I don't want to take that from him. I just figure he will always hate me now. It hurts to know that. Since he hates me he has distanced himself from everything that as part of OUR life. Including PITA.

It pisses me off that he has been able to walk away from all of the responsibility of OUR life together and just move on to another relationship. He doesn't have to worry about the dogs, the cats, the lawn, the house, our daughter, the bills. He is just enjoying his fucking life without everything he built with me for 15 years! It isn't like this shit doesn't still exist. This isn't out of sight out of mind like it is for a baby with their hands over their eyes!

Good news is that with as upset as I am and frustrated today, I am coping. I don't feel the need to do anything destructive. I feel I can get back up and make it through the day without doing something to myself or breaking something else in the house.

Peace out my peeps...hope your weekends is off to a better start than mine.

Something funny to share

Ok...there has been and still will be a mess of darkness on here, but I wanted to share this with the group. This was an ad put in the personals for casual encounters and a friend sent it to me thinking it would make me laugh and it did. Now my right wing friends won't find it as funny I am sure, but everyone needs to be able to laugh at themselves every now and then.

I want to have sex with a pretty Republican 30 something blond Dallas woman, just one time. A clean, disease free, uptight, Republican woman who has never broken a rule. I don't want to discuss politics. It's not your fault you voted for Bush twice and screwed up the world. But you do owe me one, for believing your right wing husband or boyfriend or dad or church, or whoever it was who sold you on this violent pile of crap. I'm a 6' slender professional athletic left wing intellectual with an Ivey League degree with a nice sized one to broaden your horizons with. And because I'm more civilized than what you are used to, you will see this is not revenge screw. No, it's more like a resetting of karma, since you have all but destroyed my belief in the underlying goodness of humanity. This is my debt collection for putting up with this $3 gas and a dangerous future for my kids, all thanks to your gullible xenophobia of the planet and failed misunderstanding of media propaganda. A few hours doggy style will allow me to reset the karma in my life, leaving you with a large amount of my wisdom between your legs to take back home and ponder. I think we will both feel better in the end, as we recalibrate the future to a wiser course.

This hurts so much

This is a pain unlike anything I have ever felt before. I seriously feel like I am being torn apart. Today was just a matter of getting through the day and not crying and I made it until now. The pain was so overwhelming that I had to finally sneak off to my room to be alone.

Everyone is telling me how this is for the best. PITA is mad that I can't be stronger. My sister thinks I should be stronger. Everyone tells me how I need to just make it through and there is only one person I want to talk to and they have no words for me.

There is nothing I wouldn't try to help make this pain stop. It is unbearable. How is it so easy for him? How can he just go through his day and everything be just fine. I get up and wish I didn't have to do this again.don't want to go through another day. My students are a great distraction. They keep my mind off the pain for a little while, but as soon as they are gone and PITA is in the car going on and on about whoever the newest guy is....I start hurting and there is this scream building that I don't know what to do with.

I eat and end up throwing up some portion of what I ate. How can he not know how much I love him and how much I wanted to make things right? Or I guess the better question...how can he just not care? Some part of me accepts this and there is this other part that keeps thinking maybe this is just punishment and when he thinks I have had enough he will want me back. I know how irrational that sounds since he told me he doesn't want to be married to me anymore or to be with me at all and doesn't want to reconcile, but there is still that small voice that thinks that.

I have been told each day I get up, breathe in and breathe out and all will start feeling better in time. I just don't know how that is possible. Some days it seems so dark.

A done bun can't be undone

The title is from Stephen King's book Insomnia for those that don't know.

Hubs talked to me tonight. I am very thankful for the conversation, no matter how painful it was. He finally answered my one question...Is there any chance he will be coming back home. He told me tonight, no. So I can start the process for moving on, healing or whatever the hell people do in this situation. There is nothing more I can do, I have honestly done everything I can. I guess there is the chance to find peace somewhere in that statement.

He is right, I knew the risk I took before I had an affair. But being as lonely as I was, it was a gamble I was willing to take to just feel like someone cared about me. I know hubs loved me, and probably still does, but he didn't show it anymore in any way at all. I was so empty. Even tonight, he still doesn't see what he did that played a part in my decision to do what I did. I truly hope one day he will have that "aha" moment and get it.

I have had many people tell me the affair isn't it. That his reaction has been over the top for an affair. Maybe that isn't all and he may never tell me everything...then again it could be just that simple. My soon to be e-husband isn't that complex. At least he has told me that for years and maybe he isn't. Maybe this is a normal reaction to an affair to throw away your whole life for 15 years. I don't know.

And hubs, when you read this....just know I am not as hardheaded as you. When I saw you weren't willing to budge I decided to close the whole gap by myself, give in to any request you had, to make us work. I was at least willing to stop being an ass to help us. Please don't make the mistake to hold so hard to your way of thinking that you do this again in another relationship. Relationships are about give and take. I was ready to give you any and everything to help us and even though you told me that is what it would take, you now tell me there is nothing I can do to make this work. Please take care with your future relationships. Don't be so set in your ways that you are unable to see the other person's side of things. It is ok to be sensitive and empathic.

I am going to curl back up in bed, been here most of the day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Mother's Day

I hope this isn't how holidays will feel from now on. Mother's day has gone by without a lot of notice. PITA went to the store for me and spent money on getting me flowers, money I didn't have for her to spend so in a couple of days when the last bill check goes through and I get the dog food we should be left with about $27 for the month. Can't wait for payday to get here.

Today has felt very lonely. I have pretty much stayed in bed and cried off and on all day. Hubs was kind enough to send a txt that he didn't want to fight and happy mother's day. PITA has stayed on a computer most of the day and I had mac and cheese for my mother's day brunch. I know, I am having a pity party.

My MK director called to check on me and told me I should come back to meetings because people keep asking about me. I just can't right now. I don't want to answer questions when hubs isn't there with me. People just seem so surprised when he and I aren't together and I hate answering questions.

I think I am just about ready to take something to put me to sleep and just forget this day happened.

Peace out my peeps and I hope your Mother's Days were wonderful.

To be able to survive

I think I have come to the conclusion that to be able to survive this thing with hubs I am going to have to surround myself with people. It is only when I am chatting, visiting, or hanging out that I don't sink too far into darkness, but as soon as I am alone and things get quiet, this black cloud seems to enter my world and I don't know how to push it away.

Today I went to Taste of Addison with Sassy and had fun. Good food, lots of people watching and good music. I need to make more of those times happen, otherwise, I don't think I can make it through this.

And I am just wondering...How important is individuality anyway? I mean would it be so bad to give up completely on yourself for another person? But then the downside, what if the other person is never willing to do the same....I guess then it wouldn't be such a good idea. I know the right answers, but just needed to see the questions in black and white. Guess it is time for tequila and music.

Peace out my peeps...sorry for all the darkness, I am going to have to come up with something funny soon....sleep well.

Threats

No, Hubs, it is not a threat. I think it will be ugly because of the way you have been with me. You get meaner and more vicious every day. You refuse to answer the phone when I call now even if I need to just ask you something. You reminded me that I didn't need to go to Chili's and this that and another when I talked to you about the money, but how is that any different than how our lives were together? We went out to eat a lot and that was what I did with a friend. Why did you feel the need to jump my case about that?

You have become so mean, angry and bitter to me that you can't even talk to me without saying something that cuts me to the bone. How are we suppose to have a "friendly" divorce when that is the way you treat me?

Open Letter to HUBS

Dear Hubs~

Unfortunately, my love, you do not know where I stand. You have yet to take the time to talk to me. And I do mean talk. I am not meaning screaming at me, calling me names and reminding me with every other sentence what I have done wrong. Things I have done well to not do to you around every corner.

I have apologized and no I don't regret what I have done, but for reasons you can't comprehend. I regret what I have done to you and I, not the relationship that caused this. Giving up that friendship would be easy if you could promise to be the man that I need. I have asked if you could be my friend again and talk to me and laugh with me and have fun with me and you told me no, you could not be that man.

It seems to me that for 15 years I have been asking for that and you never did it. I have wanted nothing more than to make this marriage work and found ways to have my other needs (and I don't mean sexual ones) met so that I could be with the man I love and married. I know you aren't into books. You don't care about current events. Odd stories don't matter unless they have a sports theme. Honestly if it isn't wrapped in sports it isn't for you. I accepted that and found others to fill that need of conversation for me. And yes, I allowed two of those relationships to get physical in the last year.

This last year, I have truly stepped way out on a limb and tried to discover more things about myself. I am sorry that you are not strong enough to go on this journey with me. Before I stepped out, you will remember we were fighting every day and it was about going out on Saturday nights. I wanted to go blow off some steam and you wanted me at home on the couch. I was going out of my mind and you were fighting to keep me locked up. I am sorry that I did a jail break and discovered some freedom. I am even more sorry that I hurt you in the process. You have never understood how much I love you. I was willing to give up who I was for 14 years to be with you. I sold out to you, for love.

I want us to work, but I am beginning to understand that we are in two completely different places in our lives. I have asked you over for dinner and taken you out in a effort to let you get to know me and hopefully you will be reminded why you loved me in the first place, but all you end up doing is reminding me what a worthless piece of shit I am.

Hubs, take care of yourself. I know this divorce is going to get ugly. That was not what I wanted, however I want this marriage to work and you will do nothing to meet me half way. Since that is the case, it is hard to be friendly and nicey nice. I am finally getting to anger myself. The whole time I haven't been mad, but I am getting pissed now.

I know you have always loved PITA and I, but I also know you like to have control. You didn't gain the upper hand when you moved out like you thought you would and you have forgotten how hardheaded I can be when a point needs to be made. If you are willing to walk away from 15 years because you can't lock me up in a cage again, then that is your choice. I just refuse to be controlled like that again. I want to be my own person and I want a man strong enough to stand beside me and be his own person as well.

You were my heart and soul, then about a year ago you drove me into utter darkness and turned away from me. I was tired of being alone and lonely all the time and I reached out for someone else to help me see in the darkness.

Your Wife, who still loves you despite everything.

Maybe I am not the one

Last night hubs was coming to the house to pick up his computer. I invited him to stay for dinner and watch one of our TV shows with me (I am just a Heroes nerd...just LOVE that show) anyway, before dinner was ready he wanted to know if he had time to get some stuff done and still being angry (especially when he comes to the house) I shot off with "You have time to pack your shit before dinner." And yes I said it just like that, but I was mad and it came out before I could bite my tongue and stop it. He gave me a look and I told him I was sorry and the reason I am that way is I wondered if he was going to come back home....he shot a question at me "Are you going to stop talking to him?" to which I replied "I am not going to fight with you" and he said that was my answer to him coming home.

We made it through dinner and a TV show and he went to the office. I was watching How I Met Your Mother and one of the couples is getting married. They had forgotten their vows and one of the friends said...just tell each other what you love about each other. And I remembered a list hubs had written for me years ago.

So I got out the famous white box (the one haunted by my grandfather) and read the list and got PISSED! This was something he wrote me in our first year together. I don't remember what prompted it, but I am sure I asked for the list. On five of the items he said he loved about me he had comments next to them....

sensitive (sometimes too much)
articulate (sometimes)
intelligent (getting better)
wise (semi)
self-reliant (working on it)

This was a list that I cherished and kept in my white box because it was important and I never seemed to notice those extra words all these years and I read it tonight and those quantifiers glared at me and I got it! He never really saw me as those things. I was never really wise, intelligent, articulate or self-reliant. I was kind of those things, but not enough for him to write them and leave them.

Why have I spent so many years trying to make this work with this man when he never really saw me as the one who could fit what he wanted in a wife? I don't think I was ever the one. I tried for years to conform and become the woman that he wanted and when I finally wanted to be myself, he was against me and not for me.

I told hubs on Saturday night that I wanted a man who would talk to me. When I read a story that catches my interest or I watch a TV show that is interesting and want to share my opinions and comments about it, I want someone who WANTS to listen to what I have to say and then tell me what they think as well. I want someone who can laugh at my silliness and say "That just TG being TG." and roll their eyes and realize I don't mean harm. When I told him this, hubs told me he doesn't think he can be that man for me. WHAT!?! He says he wants this marriage to work, or he has said that before, but now he says he can't act like the man I want him to be (yet for years I worked HARD at being the woman he wanted). So there is a moment when you have to accept that the person you are with can't change...I am fine with that...I can accept that now he is not willing to be that man, or even try to be that man.

I have told him for year and years what I needed. I never played the "read my mind" game with him. I told him what I wanted. He would be that way for a short time to shut me up and then he would go back to his old ways. So I looked for other companions that filled that need in my life. Other people to talk to and share with. Some have lasted for years and others were just for a season. One of those people I found has become one of my dearest friends and I love him to pieces. Yes, I over stepped the line with two of those companions in the last year. One was a true mistake, the other is something I am going to cherish for years to come. I had begged hubs to be what I needed or even try a little to fill the needs I had...and I honestly feel if he had, I wouldn't had strayed from our marriage.

DAMN IT! The years...15 of them...given to this man and working to be who he wanted and I NEVER lived up. I am mad at myself, because he and I haven't been truly happy and that is no way for a person's life to be. We should all seek out happiness and not settle for anything less and I fear hubs and I did.

On a side note...I am going to dearly miss seeing my MIL this weekend. Even though hubs has invited himself to family functions with me, he didn't feel the need to even ask if I wanted to go to see them. It kills me because I love my in-laws dearly and I am going to miss them so much. I know they will hate me before this is all said and done and that breaks my heart.

Peace out my peeps and keep looking for what makes you happy and do NOT settle for anything less!