Cold Turkey

How do you cold turkey a habit? Seriously...don't you need to replace the old habit with something new?

I have had several dear friends tell me that I need to cut off communication with hubs, cold turkey. I have no idea how to do that. Our whole lives are still wrapped up in each other. But every time I talk to him, I feel like the lowest piece of dirt on earth. It is how I felt a lot during our marriage when he would talk down to me on something I would say or he made a point to make me feel stupid a lot of the time. These kinds of things only happened in private and never in public.

Anyway, today I sent a message to see if he was out. I mainly wanted to know if he was running errands, if he was going to be on this side of town then he could drop off the fraud paper for the checks that were stolen. However, when we talked I was told I am not doing enough with this theft. I don't know what else I can do. I work on the opposite side of the world from my bank. He is right here in town. But then I realized, this isn't his life anymore. He walked out on it. He doesn't have to worry if people are writing checks on OUR JOINT ACCOUNT. Since his name wasn't forged it is all on me and he doesn't have to worry about it because it isn't his life anymore. He is starting a new one. He has moved on. He isn't looking back and yes I can't seem to get in my head completely that this is over.

Last night it was told to me that by my mom of all people, that she didn't feel hubs and I could be friends. As much as I hate to admit it, she may be right. Even when we have friend conversations he reminds me what a low life piece of shit I am. I know that is from anger, but my goodness work through some of it all ready. This new woman in his life was willing to betray a friend to start a relationship based on the lie that she thinks he is the perfect man. DAMN IT ALL TO FUCKING HELL!! The thing that pisses me off is I am the one with a big fucking scarlet A on my ass for having an affair, but he walks away smelling like fucking roses because "he was always so good to TG and she did this to him". Fuck ya'll, fuck all ya'll. You don't know the half of it because I wouldn't trash him like he is so fucking willing to do to me. I have never told people how he would ignore me and treat me as if I wasn't even there. How he quit touching me. How he quit kissing me years ago. I don't talk about all of his bad habits. I can't even do it here. I still protect him and take the majority of the blame on my fucking self.

I have taken the blame so hard on myself that I took to cutting to just help me freaking get through the guilt, pain, anger, rage and any other feelings I can't put a name to. I broke down finally to see a counselor to help me come to terms with my world because I can't seem to accept it and start the process of moving on.

This man that spent 15 years with me walked out the door and never looked back. He says for 3 weeks I had a choice. I am starting to think he was done long ago and wanted to be able to hurt me and reject me like I did him with my affairs. I understand that. I don't want to take that from him. I just figure he will always hate me now. It hurts to know that. Since he hates me he has distanced himself from everything that as part of OUR life. Including PITA.

It pisses me off that he has been able to walk away from all of the responsibility of OUR life together and just move on to another relationship. He doesn't have to worry about the dogs, the cats, the lawn, the house, our daughter, the bills. He is just enjoying his fucking life without everything he built with me for 15 years! It isn't like this shit doesn't still exist. This isn't out of sight out of mind like it is for a baby with their hands over their eyes!

Good news is that with as upset as I am and frustrated today, I am coping. I don't feel the need to do anything destructive. I feel I can get back up and make it through the day without doing something to myself or breaking something else in the house.

Peace out my peeps...hope your weekends is off to a better start than mine.