Maybe I am not the one

Last night hubs was coming to the house to pick up his computer. I invited him to stay for dinner and watch one of our TV shows with me (I am just a Heroes nerd...just LOVE that show) anyway, before dinner was ready he wanted to know if he had time to get some stuff done and still being angry (especially when he comes to the house) I shot off with "You have time to pack your shit before dinner." And yes I said it just like that, but I was mad and it came out before I could bite my tongue and stop it. He gave me a look and I told him I was sorry and the reason I am that way is I wondered if he was going to come back home....he shot a question at me "Are you going to stop talking to him?" to which I replied "I am not going to fight with you" and he said that was my answer to him coming home.

We made it through dinner and a TV show and he went to the office. I was watching How I Met Your Mother and one of the couples is getting married. They had forgotten their vows and one of the friends said...just tell each other what you love about each other. And I remembered a list hubs had written for me years ago.

So I got out the famous white box (the one haunted by my grandfather) and read the list and got PISSED! This was something he wrote me in our first year together. I don't remember what prompted it, but I am sure I asked for the list. On five of the items he said he loved about me he had comments next to them....

sensitive (sometimes too much)
articulate (sometimes)
intelligent (getting better)
wise (semi)
self-reliant (working on it)

This was a list that I cherished and kept in my white box because it was important and I never seemed to notice those extra words all these years and I read it tonight and those quantifiers glared at me and I got it! He never really saw me as those things. I was never really wise, intelligent, articulate or self-reliant. I was kind of those things, but not enough for him to write them and leave them.

Why have I spent so many years trying to make this work with this man when he never really saw me as the one who could fit what he wanted in a wife? I don't think I was ever the one. I tried for years to conform and become the woman that he wanted and when I finally wanted to be myself, he was against me and not for me.

I told hubs on Saturday night that I wanted a man who would talk to me. When I read a story that catches my interest or I watch a TV show that is interesting and want to share my opinions and comments about it, I want someone who WANTS to listen to what I have to say and then tell me what they think as well. I want someone who can laugh at my silliness and say "That just TG being TG." and roll their eyes and realize I don't mean harm. When I told him this, hubs told me he doesn't think he can be that man for me. WHAT!?! He says he wants this marriage to work, or he has said that before, but now he says he can't act like the man I want him to be (yet for years I worked HARD at being the woman he wanted). So there is a moment when you have to accept that the person you are with can't change...I am fine with that...I can accept that now he is not willing to be that man, or even try to be that man.

I have told him for year and years what I needed. I never played the "read my mind" game with him. I told him what I wanted. He would be that way for a short time to shut me up and then he would go back to his old ways. So I looked for other companions that filled that need in my life. Other people to talk to and share with. Some have lasted for years and others were just for a season. One of those people I found has become one of my dearest friends and I love him to pieces. Yes, I over stepped the line with two of those companions in the last year. One was a true mistake, the other is something I am going to cherish for years to come. I had begged hubs to be what I needed or even try a little to fill the needs I had...and I honestly feel if he had, I wouldn't had strayed from our marriage.

DAMN IT! The years...15 of them...given to this man and working to be who he wanted and I NEVER lived up. I am mad at myself, because he and I haven't been truly happy and that is no way for a person's life to be. We should all seek out happiness and not settle for anything less and I fear hubs and I did.

On a side note...I am going to dearly miss seeing my MIL this weekend. Even though hubs has invited himself to family functions with me, he didn't feel the need to even ask if I wanted to go to see them. It kills me because I love my in-laws dearly and I am going to miss them so much. I know they will hate me before this is all said and done and that breaks my heart.

Peace out my peeps and keep looking for what makes you happy and do NOT settle for anything less!