Amatuer Psychology

It is great having good friends that talk to you enough that they help you see what is going on in your mind without even meaning to.

This morning in a conversation I had with my Pirate in Crime, I came to the conclusion that I feel guilty for wanting out of my marriage and for finding happiness without my husband. I am also struggling with the idea that he can find happiness without me. We spent so many years trying to keep us together and at least I have last fall to remind me of the good times. He and I were at our peak of being good together then. I wish we had kept that going, but something in him back then wouldn't allow that to happen. I am still so angry at him for that. I was happy and he was all I wanted in the world and he had to go and ruin it. At some point I am going to have to deal with that anger over that. I truly miss those days back then and how well we were together. Life was good. Now I am in a place where I have to find good on my own. And scary enough, I can, quite easily. It is only when I talk to hubs that I feel awful. I love him. I wish I was the one for him. I want so bad to be the one to make him happy and to have him make me happy, but somewhere deep down I just don't think that is possible.

This weekend he once again stabbed me in the heart with the fact that there is no hope for reconciliation. I just keep thinking somewhere that he and I need to go through this to find our way back to each other....sounds stupid huh?

Now...on to what has got me sounding a little happier these days. Last week I went out with a new friend. I guess it was a date, even though when hubs asked me if I was going on a date I just told him I was going out. He says I was still lying by omission. Anyway...the night was great. Wonderful conversation and a great meal and great company and a good night kiss and a promise to get together again soon. HE WANTED TO SEE ME AGAIN!! Ok, I know that shouldn't seem to exciting, but to me it was.

I have never done this dating thing. I had PITA when I was 16, never "dated" before I had her. Then I met hubs when I was 17, my first week in college. He and I never really "dated" because I had PITA and he and I seemed to just to fall into a serious committed relationship and never looked back. All these years I wasn't sure about what the dating thing would be like.

Now my new friend is a certified personal trainer and self employed (from here on out he will be known as PTG "personal trainer guy") and sweet as can be. PTG was out of town this weekend and that was why he really wanted to make sure to see me last week before flying out of town. I sent him a text yesterday that said to give me a call if he felt up to it when he got back into town. I was looking forward to hearing about the concert he went to out of state. He called and invited me over to his place. It was great to just sit and talk to him. Four hours of talking...neat to be with someone who talks as much as I do, plus he is interested in several things that I am interested in as well. If for nothing else...he will be a fun friend to have.

So anyway...

This week I have my sister's graduation. It is so odd to think she is graduating from high school. I remember the first time I saw her when she was 2 years old. I didn't know if I was going to like her too much and she dug a place in my heart over the next year or so. I loved her very dearly. Even though today we aren't as close as I had hoped, she is still very important to me and I can't wait to see her walk on Friday night.

More later....