A done bun can't be undone

The title is from Stephen King's book Insomnia for those that don't know.

Hubs talked to me tonight. I am very thankful for the conversation, no matter how painful it was. He finally answered my one question...Is there any chance he will be coming back home. He told me tonight, no. So I can start the process for moving on, healing or whatever the hell people do in this situation. There is nothing more I can do, I have honestly done everything I can. I guess there is the chance to find peace somewhere in that statement.

He is right, I knew the risk I took before I had an affair. But being as lonely as I was, it was a gamble I was willing to take to just feel like someone cared about me. I know hubs loved me, and probably still does, but he didn't show it anymore in any way at all. I was so empty. Even tonight, he still doesn't see what he did that played a part in my decision to do what I did. I truly hope one day he will have that "aha" moment and get it.

I have had many people tell me the affair isn't it. That his reaction has been over the top for an affair. Maybe that isn't all and he may never tell me everything...then again it could be just that simple. My soon to be e-husband isn't that complex. At least he has told me that for years and maybe he isn't. Maybe this is a normal reaction to an affair to throw away your whole life for 15 years. I don't know.

And hubs, when you read this....just know I am not as hardheaded as you. When I saw you weren't willing to budge I decided to close the whole gap by myself, give in to any request you had, to make us work. I was at least willing to stop being an ass to help us. Please don't make the mistake to hold so hard to your way of thinking that you do this again in another relationship. Relationships are about give and take. I was ready to give you any and everything to help us and even though you told me that is what it would take, you now tell me there is nothing I can do to make this work. Please take care with your future relationships. Don't be so set in your ways that you are unable to see the other person's side of things. It is ok to be sensitive and empathic.

I am going to curl back up in bed, been here most of the day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.