Up, wide awake, no one to talk to...sooo...

I figured why not blog a few more things out :)

First off, my counselor will be very happy to know I have this back. She likes knowing I have an outlet LOL.

Overall, I have to say I love my life right now. I need to find a job soon, not just for income, but because I need to get the hell out of this apartment, UGH!!! Don't get me wrong, the forced vacation has been nice. But honestly, my life is pretty good right now.

So someone I have known for a while is back in my life and in a much more satisfying way for me. I may stick to my original nickname for him, McKinney. So after army pulled his dumbass move, and this guy in Sherman turned out to be a huge douche, I contacted McKinney. Now a little background here. A friend of McKinney's introduced us a little over 2 years ago, maybe close to three. Now this man met me after my arrest, but before I was put on probation. My life was a mess, I was a mess, but I really started to like him. Develop feelings for him. So I had to ask the question of where was this thing we were doing was going. He told me back then that he didn't see me that way and that we had a good thing going and lets not change it. I wanted more back then...but lets be honest, I wasn't ready. I needed to get my life back on track before I was ready to be committed to anyone.

So anyway....there was some miscommunication between McKinney and I. He knows I want to find a long term thing that may lead to marriage at some point. I am not rushing anything like that, but it is my desire to have a relationship with my best friend. Someone who can laugh with me, be strong for me when I am hurting, and who is my partner in life.

Once he and I worked out the miscommunication, it seems I have agreed (and happily I might add) to just see him. I have to say I was worried if he was serious, until he came over and hugged me. There was something in that hug that let me know he was serious about me being his and that I was special to him.

I am taking things slow, but it is possible I could fall for this man. I like him. I feel like we click and I really enjoy the time I get with him. I look forward to seeing how this develops and grows.

City and P2 are well, we have spent several afternoons chilling at my place over my forced vacation. P2 is almost 6 mos preggers now. It is so hard to believe.

Speaking on that....Pita is pregnant again, but as stated earlier, she wants me to leave her alone. Ex-hubs wants me to save her text message and refer back to it when she asks me for help next time. My counselor asked me why I keep giving her chances when she consistently lets me down. All I know is I keep hoping each time it will be different. One day it will be, I just hope I still have it in me to be there for her. I am sure I will, but she really hurt me this time.

Peace out my peeps...it feels so good to be me again.

Been waiting to have internet back....

I have a lot to say and I will try to break it into multiple posts. There are updates on Princess Pita, Army, City and P2. And someone new to talk about...ugh and I just gave him the address to this blog, but I am not going to change my honesty :)

Hell where to start.... probably Army. So he had a Christmas break, he came home on the 18th of December and I picked him up at the airport. Tons of texts and conversations gave no suspicion that things were different. He was still telling me how much he loved me and how he couldn't wait to see me.

We spend a great day together. I forgot how much I missed sex until that day. We spent the whole day together, my heart bursting with happiness at getting to see him. We went to my office Christmas party. He was very affectionate with me in public, everything seemed great. I drive him home to surprise his family.

Then it starts, going a couple of days with no texts or anything. He speaks to me a little on Christmas Day, then nothing. I call him on January 3rd to see what was going on and all he tells me is he can't talk to me anymore. No explanation, nothing.

I guess about a week later P2 is at the Casa and is told that Army got married on Dec 29th. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. FUCKER couldn't tell me??? Like seriously, I am not a fucking kid, I could have handled the news. I was so worried about moving on because he had been the first guy to treat me with respect and just love me for me, not for something I was giving him. He never asked for money or anything like that. I remember the night by the lake when he talked about marrying me. Funny how easily someone can lie to you. One thing he gave me was complete closure. I was happy to be able to have a definite end. He is a coward for not telling me. I have little respect for him because of it now.

Pita....UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE!!!! This child has all but lost her damn mind. So she turned 20 on January 20th, I picked her up, she was having a rough day, asshole made her go to work on her birthday. I mean, really? She can't take a day off of the pole on her birthday?

Anyway, I went to the club and kidnapped her, well not really, she is mine in the first damn place. And asshole calls, he and I get into a fight, Pita gets hysterical, ugh so he calls again and I let her talk to him. Then he and I get on the phone again screaming. I just know this man is so bad for my daughter. I have no power to get her out because she is an adult. Anyway that weekend she went with the thug (yes aka my original thug) to Austin, she gets home Sunday night and she says she is leaving asshole. She has a plan, I tell her she can stay at my place for a little while until she can get her own place. Everything is good. I go to bed around midnight. At 3:30am Pita is kissing me on the cheek and telling me she is going back to asshole. FUCK!!! I swear I NEVER DROPPED HER ON HER HEAD!!! She just, ugh, I don't know what to say.

So she calls me the next week and tells me she is mad at P2. I don't understand why. P2 and I just speak real shit to Pita and it pisses her off. So she is talking about the threat of going to jail and losing the baby if asshole gets caught up. I told her if she wasn't prepared to suffer the consequences of her risky lifestyle then maybe she shouldn't live a risky lifestyle.

I guess that pissed Pita off, she told me on Valentine's that she loves me, but all I have ever done is bring her into this world, nothing else and I need to leave her alone. She will decide when she talks to me again..."it may be a year, it may be never".....her words. It absolutely broke my heart. But if that is how she wants it, she can have it that way. I have no control.

More to come.....Peace out my peeps.

Doesn't even seem real

Tonight I took a major step in this finally getting my life back together thing I have been on lately.

I had a good day at work. Closed a couple of pretty great deals. SO wish I could find more, but I am getting the hang of this debt settlement thing. I believe I will do well with my commissions.

After work I went to look at a condo that was for rent. I was honest with the man about my background. Now I have to admit, he looks a lil like a slumlord, but I am going to give him the benefit of doubt and hope I am wrong. Anyway...I decided after I looked around that I wanted it. I put down the deposit and he even gave me the key. Now I need to make calls about electric, internet and DirecTV. Sigh....I am scared to death. I will talk to my counselor about that tomorrow.

It is odd to realize that by the time I move into this place I will have spent 36 years of my life living with another human being in the house. This will be my first time to ever live alone. I am scared of that thought, yet I am excited too. I can have company if I want, when I want. I have to learn to cook for one. I will have my kitty, unfortunately this didn't happen fast enough for his brother to join us, but he will be with Sam and I in spirit.

I am going to try to get some sleep.

Peace out my peeps...may you have blessings shower over you, as they have for me.

Seriously?!?! LOL

Princess PITA decided to go out on her own in February after she burned every bridge to those who were trying like hell to help her. She moved in with an ex of mine...the Thug. So she has been stripping to make money.

SHE GOT FIRED FROM THE STRIP CLUB!!!!

OMG....like I really can't even imagine how someone swings that. I know what she did, it wasn't illegal or anything like that, but she was showing up and not working. Because she was busy juggling two guys at once LOL. Dear dear PITA will you ever learn?

I know there are other things I want to write about, just not feeling up to it tonight.

Peace out to any peeps that stop by :)

SO I was thinking....

I had so many thoughts run through my head tonight while I was outside exercising my lung and enjoying the wet evening air.

First off...that little blog post I put up last night reminded me how good it feels to just let loose and hell maybe even someone will read it and might have something to say or gain from what I write, even thought what I write about are my random thoughts and experiences.

So first off, it is nice to know that what I can't put on Facebook I can blow the hell up with it on her.

Last night I got my ass handed to me by my daughter Princess PITA (for those that don't know PITA=Pain In The Ass) and her best friend of almost ten years. Now her best friend and I have gotten so close that I see her as a second daughter. She is preggers. We will call her.....hmmmm.....PITA2. PITA2 is dating a wonderful young gentleman named City. Now City is like a brother to me. Nothing I wouldn't do for him SuWoop!!! So those are the main characters for last night's drama called as the stomach churns.

I went by to see City after I got off work to chill for a bit, tell him about my killer day at work and see how things are going. Anyway he gets a call from PITA2, she is tripping balls. Tells him I better not be there and she better not see my car or she is going to go stay with her dad. City feels horrible. I have no issues with getting my stuff and going, I am just lost as to what was going on. He asked me not to hold this against him.

Then I see two passive aggressive freaking posts on Facebook LOL...THANK GOD we didn't have Facebook when I was in high school...anyway, one message is on her main wall and it is directed right at me, but the coward wouldn't say it directly to me, then she posts a message on Princess PITAs Facebook, which comes up in my News feed. Oh holy hell, for me to be in my mid 30s and to know the drama I experienced last night like I was freaking 16....I almost have to laugh my fucking ass off.

So I sent PITA2 a text message. Told her to come real to the one she is really pissed at. So then she calls, pissed cause I hadn't answered her texts, never got them, ran upgrades on my phone and finally started getting texts again....So she yells at me, because we had K2 (yeah, if you have an opinion, it is fine, but whatever). Yet this chick smokes weed EVERY day (and did you remember I mentioned...preggers). She whines and yells that he isn't allowed to have anything she can't. UNREAL...I hurt for my bro City....I know he loves her and I support them being able to stay together, but at some point he is going to snap.

Then I get a text from Princess PITA....wait you need the back story first.....so 2 years ago my daughter start screwing my ex, the Thug who got me deep into the drug scene, and had me smoking so much weed, the only time I would be sober was when I was at work, because that was the only place I was happy. God I hated having to go home at night that last year. Anyway....another time I can spew that mess. So she has been living with him, for about 8 mos, she paid all his bills by stripping. She finally decided to leave him and hook up with this man who is 4 years older than me (20 year age difference, I can't say anything...long story I will tell another time). Anyway she went back to my ex the Thug this last weekend. So the guy she was just dumped is a hopeless flirt. But nothing more. Yes he flirted with me, and in some ways found myself attracted to him, but I NEVER crossed the line of talking. So we were talking about maybe seeing what's up....this didn't happen until after PITA left him. PITA now says I am a bitch and other pretty nasty things to me because I dared talk to the guy. UGH.

At least I have Army to help keep me sane.....now he is the one I need to talk about at some point.

Peace out my Peeps....if you stopped by tonight and read...thanks, if no one ever reads these...all can say is it feels great to just throw the shit out there and not keep it bottled up

Just needed to vent

It has been ages since I have been in here, but needed to vent somewhere so here I am. I am too lazy to handwrite it into my journal.

It amazes me how some people can be....one minute, they are on your side, the next they are stabbing you in the back. I have to learn that people who are younger than me are unstable and difficult to deal with.

I don't feel I have done anything wrong, however, once again I am the villain. I am so tired of being the punching bag for others. My counselor keeps asking me why it is ok for others to treat me awful and I keep turning the other cheek. You know, it isn't ok, and I don't think I should allow it to happen anymore. I love these people with all my heart, feel that they are family. I realize now I am only good when I can come with something those around me want. UGH!!! I know I am not perfect. But I never mean harm.

Growing up...

Nope, won't ever do it fully, but the more time I spend apart from my ex, the more I find myself. I miss him, he was and still is a very good man, who has tried hard to help me no matter what. I will always be thankful for the time we had as a couple and the friendship we have created even through divorce and him getting remarried.

I have learned so many things in this journey. No one will ever be able to understand how far I have come, unless they were there to see me go from normal, to insane, and now back on the other side....to well, I guess me. I once thought that it would all be easier if I just quietly went off and died, now I realize what a coward I was to go through the pain that I needed to go through. I punished myself far more than anyone else could have for the wrongs I have done to people in my life. I was never a "bad" person, never really did anything to harm another intentionally. But there were some wrongs I did, that I had to a pay a price for. And in many ways, I am still punishing myself. Just now it isn't drugs or staying locked up in my house refusing to be apart of the world.

I sometimes wish i had blogged more through this all, then maybe one day I could go back, read over it and see where I was and how far I have come. I know things were so dark once that I felt like I was blind, now I just have times where I put blinders on, just so I can punish myself a little more.

There are days when I would give anything to go back and change some of my decisions and then I think about how far I have come, where I am at today and I don't think I want to give that up. I am becoming more proud of myself over time. And one day I will be a woman that I can say I am proud I have become. Strong, independent, capable of handling any situation with class and dignity and not allow my IQ to be decreased by becoming so mad that I can't think straight and keep a clear level head about what is happening or what needs to happen. (Sgt BB, thank you for reminding me that there is actual scientific proof of how our IQ drops when we get angry).

I even think one day I will find a man who will bring me up, who will compliment me in every area of my life and who will stand strong beside me and be proud to call me his. I am not sure when that day will come or if I even trust myself to not fuck it up. I just know that one day, I will be blessed with that man when he enters my life and I pray that I will see him for what he is and be the woman he needs.

Peace out my peeps, I know no one really checks this blog anymore, and maybe that is a good thing, but if you do stop by, feel free to say hi.

Letting Go

So yesterday, the climax of months of mean hateful treatment (not constant) by my daughter happened. I finally kicked her free-loading bf's ass to the curb. He was coming down off drugs (according to the kid) and I came at him "wrong" and the fight the broke out is one worth writing about.

First off he backed me into a wall chest to chest with me, screaming in my face. Then when I followed to the room he shared with my daughter, I was told to get out. I responded that it is my place, I pay the bills and he didn't have the right to tell me to leave. When I wouldn't leave he threatened to move me, I told him, do what you think you have to and he put his hands on me to move me. During all this, the kid is yelling at me, fighting for the bf.

I finally tell the kid she needs to pack her shit too. And she does. I am sick at this point with emotion....are in the house calling people and he is sitting there talking shit, says he is talking to himself but saying shit about me out loud and when I respond, I am told by the kid to shut up. ME I AM THE ONE WHO IS TOLD TO SHUT UP!!!! So I turn on her. This person that I gave birth to, raised and cared for and provided for. I told her I couldn't believe that she is allowing him to talk to me this way. That she was ok with it. To which he says "go sit next to your mom and suck on her tit". I told him to get the fuck out of my house NOW. There was no waiting to call people and find a place to go, he was to get his bags immediately and get out the front door. And of course the kid follows.

The kid needs to come back in to charge her phone....I let her and before I let her leave I ask her to talk to me. I am leaning on the front door not allowing her to leave. She tells me to get the fuck out of her way. I told her I wasn't moving, she could try to move me herself but I wanted to talk. She starts shoving. When that doesn't work, she starts slapping the shit out of me. Then I hit back. Then I go back to the door. She proceeds to punch the hell out of my right arm (there is a pretty bruise there now, about as big as the palm of my hand or so). Then she decides the best course of action is to call 911 and tell them I won't let her leave. While she is on the phone, I tell her to get out, I take her shit and throw it out the front door and lock it. Now the sad part, her bf is standing at the door the whole time laughing, you can hear him through the door. It makes me want to fucking puke how rude the two of them were.

So I am in the house, spent, crying, sore as hell and in shock that my own fucking kid would call the cops. I get a couple of phone calls and then I get an odd one for me. It is her ex. He is calling me to see what is going on. I explain what I can. He tells me she was left by her bf, he went off with his friends and left her out in the cold, with a trash bag of her stuff and no where to go. Then I get a call from her, "Mom can you come pick me up at the Target?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! She beats the hell out of me says she is leaving with her bf, but less than 30 min passes and she needs my help??? OMFG!!! So that I am thinking straight I call her dad. He tells me he wouldn't go get her. So when she calls again, I am able to tell her she knows where I am, if she wants to talk, she knows where to find me and I hang up.

She gets back here and she breaks down, but the only reason she called me....NO ONE ELSE WOULD GIVE HER A PLACE TO STAY!!! She tells me last night that she doesn't want to talk, she needs time to process things. So I gave her that. I went to bed, read a book feeling hurt and betrayed to a level I have never felt in my entire life and sick that she was in my house. I didn't want her here. I felt like she didn't want to be here and I couldn't figure out why I should let her stay. I didn't sleep well, but thank GOD for hydrocodone for the pain and it helped me to rest some.

So Christmas day I get up and start getting ready, my sister had invited me to her place and in light of what the kid did, she was not welcome at my sister's home. So I went. I had a great day and my BIL took my keys and kind of held me hostage at their place until about 10:45 at night. By the time I made it home the kid was livid....pissed that she spent Christmas alone. Doesn't feel that she should have spent the holiday alone and I guess I was just supposed to forgive and forget everything with her. Yes I had told her I wanted to come home and maybe make a nice dinner, but I didn't make it and I had a great day without drama.

She started telling me about the people that support her and aren't mad at her for what happened yesterday, they don't approve but they aren't mad at her. How she should be allowed to live here and not have any responsibility to help out with bills or anything else because she is my kid. You know, she quit being a kid when she decided to get pregnant and drop out of school and be an adult. As she says she is a grown ass woman. So if that is the case, then shouldn't she be held to grown up responsibilities? The parents of one of her friends wants to help her get a checking account set up because she is worried if it is set up in my name then I will spend the kid's money....FUCK YOU!!! YOUR BASTARDS DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER RUDE DISRESPECTFUL ASS EVERY FUCKING DAY!

Then she tell me, she knows why she treats me the way she does, but it is none of my business and she doesn't want to talk about it. So I have decided tonight, since I don't mean shit to her (I am just the reason her fucking ass exists in this world) and I don't deserve any respect from her then she needs to leave. All she is going to do is drag me down, day in and day out and I can't have that. I need to be fixing my life not just stuck in a rut being told or treated like I am a worthless piece of shit.

I hope your Christmas was better than mine.

82

According to a card reader I should die when I am 82, but as I move forward I sometimes think I am going to me a lot younger by several decades.

I finally have my life cleaned up, no more drugs, and I am trying like hell to do what is right, but I can't get a job and the things I have done for money I don't want to discuss.  I have had people use me up in the last year and a half and I have learned that the human spirit can only take so much before it finally starts dying.  As much as I feel like I have made leaps and bounds in my independent life and I have.....my spirit is dying....and I am starting to wonder again if it is even worth trying to save.

The world is not good.  People are not basically good.  People use each other any way they can, and they will use another person up until there is nothing left and then move on to the next person.

Please, God, hear my prayer and put me out of my misery.

December Blues

As the holidays get closer I realize that I am battling those December blues I get every year. It use to come from me wanting to create the "perfect holiday". I know that is and unreasonable expectation, but it was always something I wanted. But this year the blues seem to be burning from another more personal desire. I want to be a part of life again.

I have lost a big chunk of the last two years, first by being "crazy" for about 6 months and then putting myself on house arrest for about 10 months. It is like I have let life disappear around me. I have few friends, can count them on one hand, and no job. I am just lost.

I want someone to share life with again, someone that I can lean on and laugh with, someone who can be my partner and who will walk beside me. After all this time, I haven't found anyone I am willing to do that with. I haven't found anyone who seems like that is what they want or anyone who does want it that can keep my attention. I am so tired of being alone all the damn time. There are plenty of men who want to be a friend with benefits or a fuck buddy or my booty call, but honestly, that is soooooooo unfulfilling and later I realize I just ache for something more.

I know none of this is making any sense, just putting my thoughts in writing.

Peace out peeps.....