Random Thoughts on Sex in Society

This post will be a little more adult than most and I will admit somethings I am even a little ashamed to admit. That is the part I don't understand, being ashamed. I am comfortable in my sexuality and what I like. So why is our society so quick to condemn in public what the majority of us are doing behind closed doors? That is what I was thinking about when I was watching porn last night.

I had seen a little bit of porn before I met ex-hubs, and he allowed me to examine my curiosity of it. However, I never wanted him to know when I watched it without him. I would literally rewind the VHS tape back to the spot it was on when I started the video. I didn't want to feel shame over watching it even though I was an adult woman. DVDs made my life easier. Now it doesn't seem to be the "norm" for a woman to watch porn or to even enjoy it, but I do. So, sue me. I watch porn everyday lately (possibly from boredom)....that is hard to admit, but true. I admit to downloading lots of different porn, to watching it on my phone and to having it on my iPod. I have made DVDs of my favorite downloads and have even shopped for it in a sex shop. The access to porn is so easy, people can find it through a simple image search on Google. Even talking to friends of mine they have admitted to just surfing and clicking though a porn site's videos when bored or even surfing through pictures on their phones.

Many of us (with or without a lover), have taken nude pictures, sexy pictures and even videos and shared those pictures and videos. Delving into amateur porn of sorts. Each time I take a nude pic of myself for someone or a video as a naughty lil surprise for a lover, I find myself feeling a little shame about it.

I still don't understand why our society doesn't embrace sex the way other cultures have. I see nothing wrong with legalizing prostitution, strip clubs or access to porn for adults. I don't believe in a hedonistic society where pleasure is the central role. However, I do believe there are more freaks than prudes in the United States.

I am not sure if I am done with this, but as the title stated....random thoughts

Peace out my peeps....remember to fly your freak flag proudly!

Addicted to FaceBook

Last time I was without work for a long time I got into the MySpace game Mobsters and chatted a lot to eat away the days.

My FaceBook addiction was about the same. My sister introduced me to Farmville and so I got into FaceBook. Then I found something else even better....People I knew were constantly updating this thing. Once I found I could get on through my phone, it was over. I think I refresh my FaceBook about 50-75 times a day.

Now here are some issues....

• On my smart phone when I go to the internet. Ninety percent of the time I click FaceBook even if I wanted Google instead.
• I find myself a little bit annoyed that people get quiet at times because I am bored and want entertainment. This is very difficult to admit.
• I have to stop myself from posting the most random stuff because I am bored and want to stir up conversation.
• I usually check FaceBook before I get out of bed in the morning.

I have no idea how I have allowed this thing to become so ingrained in my life. I am not giving it up, but an observation I had today. I wonder how more people are impacted by these social networks in which we all share the mundane to the crazy hourly. I have been in the car and read something on FaceBook and called a friend trying to find out what was going on. When they asked where I read it..."FaceBook".

This exact thing happened the other day with City and P2. City was browsing FaceBook while we were driving somewhere and hollers out that one of his homeboys is single. P2 wanted to know who and all of that info was shared. Then City had to call another homeboy to discuss the latest breaking news on FaceBook. Now two things come to mind, one we get a lot of our latest news from our friends and family through social networking and two men gossip like women, but that I can discuss later.

A personal story of my own. I had posted some major news on FaceBook. My sister calls me to harass me about telling the world before calling to tell her. I make sure to tell her any major changes that will be announced momentarily on FaceBook from now on to avoid another conversation like that one.

Peace out my Peeps....hope you had a beautiful Monday.

Beauty in the Hood part 2

Ok, so not exactly part 2 of this hood, but here is the thing...I feel you have to find beauty in everything. When I lived in The Chase, I heard gun shots, had 2 high profile murders, one on the news and one on First 48.

If you want to know part one you can read it here: Beauty in the Hood part 1

Now last night was kind of busy in my new Hood. First there were some gun shots. Two loud ones. Then around midnight a chick and her man got into it. Fuck this, Fuck that, Go fuck your hoes then, Nigga I hope the cops lock you up, I don't hit bitches but I am about to kick your mother fuckin ass hoe.....yeah that about sums it up LOL.

Things finally get quiet after that and I posted on FaceBook what had happened. After a few responses it occurred to me that I hadn't found anything beautiful in this hood. So this morning, I go out on my patio. The morning air is cool, but not cold; it feels wonderful. Sipping coffee and exercising my lung. Then I hear it, someone is playing a violin in the apartments. At first they are turning it some, then I hear them play. It isn't perfect, but is pretty and I realized right then that God blessed me. He wanted to give me something beautiful to focus on, like the parrots.

Peace out my peeps, remember to look for the beauty in the people and places around you.

Up, wide awake, no one to talk to...sooo...

I figured why not blog a few more things out :)

First off, my counselor will be very happy to know I have this back. She likes knowing I have an outlet LOL.

Overall, I have to say I love my life right now. I need to find a job soon, not just for income, but because I need to get the hell out of this apartment, UGH!!! Don't get me wrong, the forced vacation has been nice. But honestly, my life is pretty good right now.

So someone I have known for a while is back in my life and in a much more satisfying way for me. I may stick to my original nickname for him, McKinney. So after army pulled his dumbass move, and this guy in Sherman turned out to be a huge douche, I contacted McKinney. Now a little background here. A friend of McKinney's introduced us a little over 2 years ago, maybe close to three. Now this man met me after my arrest, but before I was put on probation. My life was a mess, I was a mess, but I really started to like him. Develop feelings for him. So I had to ask the question of where was this thing we were doing was going. He told me back then that he didn't see me that way and that we had a good thing going and lets not change it. I wanted more back then...but lets be honest, I wasn't ready. I needed to get my life back on track before I was ready to be committed to anyone.

So anyway....there was some miscommunication between McKinney and I. He knows I want to find a long term thing that may lead to marriage at some point. I am not rushing anything like that, but it is my desire to have a relationship with my best friend. Someone who can laugh with me, be strong for me when I am hurting, and who is my partner in life.

Once he and I worked out the miscommunication, it seems I have agreed (and happily I might add) to just see him. I have to say I was worried if he was serious, until he came over and hugged me. There was something in that hug that let me know he was serious about me being his and that I was special to him.

I am taking things slow, but it is possible I could fall for this man. I like him. I feel like we click and I really enjoy the time I get with him. I look forward to seeing how this develops and grows.

City and P2 are well, we have spent several afternoons chilling at my place over my forced vacation. P2 is almost 6 mos preggers now. It is so hard to believe.

Speaking on that....Pita is pregnant again, but as stated earlier, she wants me to leave her alone. Ex-hubs wants me to save her text message and refer back to it when she asks me for help next time. My counselor asked me why I keep giving her chances when she consistently lets me down. All I know is I keep hoping each time it will be different. One day it will be, I just hope I still have it in me to be there for her. I am sure I will, but she really hurt me this time.

Peace out my peeps...it feels so good to be me again.

Been waiting to have internet back....

I have a lot to say and I will try to break it into multiple posts. There are updates on Princess Pita, Army, City and P2. And someone new to talk about...ugh and I just gave him the address to this blog, but I am not going to change my honesty :)

Hell where to start.... probably Army. So he had a Christmas break, he came home on the 18th of December and I picked him up at the airport. Tons of texts and conversations gave no suspicion that things were different. He was still telling me how much he loved me and how he couldn't wait to see me.

We spend a great day together. I forgot how much I missed sex until that day. We spent the whole day together, my heart bursting with happiness at getting to see him. We went to my office Christmas party. He was very affectionate with me in public, everything seemed great. I drive him home to surprise his family.

Then it starts, going a couple of days with no texts or anything. He speaks to me a little on Christmas Day, then nothing. I call him on January 3rd to see what was going on and all he tells me is he can't talk to me anymore. No explanation, nothing.

I guess about a week later P2 is at the Casa and is told that Army got married on Dec 29th. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. FUCKER couldn't tell me??? Like seriously, I am not a fucking kid, I could have handled the news. I was so worried about moving on because he had been the first guy to treat me with respect and just love me for me, not for something I was giving him. He never asked for money or anything like that. I remember the night by the lake when he talked about marrying me. Funny how easily someone can lie to you. One thing he gave me was complete closure. I was happy to be able to have a definite end. He is a coward for not telling me. I have little respect for him because of it now.

Pita....UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE!!!! This child has all but lost her damn mind. So she turned 20 on January 20th, I picked her up, she was having a rough day, asshole made her go to work on her birthday. I mean, really? She can't take a day off of the pole on her birthday?

Anyway, I went to the club and kidnapped her, well not really, she is mine in the first damn place. And asshole calls, he and I get into a fight, Pita gets hysterical, ugh so he calls again and I let her talk to him. Then he and I get on the phone again screaming. I just know this man is so bad for my daughter. I have no power to get her out because she is an adult. Anyway that weekend she went with the thug (yes aka my original thug) to Austin, she gets home Sunday night and she says she is leaving asshole. She has a plan, I tell her she can stay at my place for a little while until she can get her own place. Everything is good. I go to bed around midnight. At 3:30am Pita is kissing me on the cheek and telling me she is going back to asshole. FUCK!!! I swear I NEVER DROPPED HER ON HER HEAD!!! She just, ugh, I don't know what to say.

So she calls me the next week and tells me she is mad at P2. I don't understand why. P2 and I just speak real shit to Pita and it pisses her off. So she is talking about the threat of going to jail and losing the baby if asshole gets caught up. I told her if she wasn't prepared to suffer the consequences of her risky lifestyle then maybe she shouldn't live a risky lifestyle.

I guess that pissed Pita off, she told me on Valentine's that she loves me, but all I have ever done is bring her into this world, nothing else and I need to leave her alone. She will decide when she talks to me again..."it may be a year, it may be never".....her words. It absolutely broke my heart. But if that is how she wants it, she can have it that way. I have no control.

More to come.....Peace out my peeps.