It was bound to happen

Insomnia.  However that isn't what it really is.

'Ole TG was placed on probation in 2008 stemming from stupidity.  I received 5 years.  I had to submit to an evaluation at the beginning of this process to see how smart I was and if I was crazy.  As usual, genius and crazy.  Anyway, they put me on a "special" caseload for probation.  This was actually a blessing in disguise because my PO is AMAZING.  I was required to do a few things since they determined I was "crazy" or "special" or whatever term you want to use; I refuse the be politically correct.  I had to see a psychiatrist and it was determined that I am bipolar.....joy joy.  I was given prescriptions, we played with them until the mixture didn't put me in a coma.  Most of the time I am pretty even....no real major highs and no real major lows....same shit different day.  However, I saw this roller coaster ride coming a week ago and there wasn't a damn thing I could do.

The issue isn't bad it is just annoying.  I am currently in a manic state (actually it isn't as hardcore).  For those of you that don't understand this lovely little disorder, let me give you a definition of mania:

Mania is the signature characteristic of bipolar disorder and, depending on its severity, is how the disorder is classified. Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated mood, which can take the form of euphoria. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep, with many often getting as little as 3 or 4 hours of sleep per night, while others can go days without sleeping. Attention span is low, and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired, and sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. source

I was not in this deep until the last 24 hours.  Fortunately I know or understand where I am and how to keep it under some sense of control.  I will need to find ways to entertain myself.  Anyway, this ride began when I slept for 3 days.  I knew something was wrong, but had no idea what was up, just figured I was tired.  Hell, no one was blowing up my phone, no one came to visit, nothing to watch on TV and even the net became boring.....so I slept.  Right before this hibernation state I went through a milder mania doctors consider hypomania.  Let me tell you, I see no difference, but doctors claim in full blown, hardcore mania a person cannot be productive.

I consider myself to be very productive.  In the hour and a half that I have written this blog, I have posted on FaceBook, cleaned the kitchen, made coffee, finished some laundry that was in the dryer, looked up something to watch on TV (not happening EVERYTHING right now is paid programming), looked for pictures,  found my nail files so I can do my nails next while watching a movie...I think that is all :)

Now to go look up some movie to watch.  I think I will download The Roommate.

Peace out my peeps.....have a blessed Sunday.

PITA PITA PITA....sigh

I got a call from an unknown local phone number today.  I was on the phone with my BFF, still haven't decided if she is going to be called fun-sized or something else LOL, anyway, I click over and it is my PITA.  I haven't talked to PITA in 6 weeks and on Valentine's day she ripped out my heart.  She wanted P2's phone number....I asked if she would talk to me for a few minutes.  She told me she would if I wanted to.

Conversation went well.  Learned quite a few things.  She nearly was caught with enough drugs to put her in prison for years and a nasty felony, thanks to the person who is suppose to be responsible for that shit not keeping up with his stuff.  Found out he is beating her regularly.  I am not sure how to feel.  I know there is nothing I can do.  She has to want to leave, but the mom in me wants to go kick that man's ass and take my daughter.  She told me she is scared.

Then while I was at P2's house, I get a call from PITA...she said she is coming home and she is done.  I got my hopes up some.  Then about 2 hours later the next call, she sounded tense and like she was trying to just get through it and done.  She told me she wasn't coming home and that they were talking and she would talk to me later.

P2 and I are doing well, playing along and plotting.  We keep our stories matched up and use P2 as the less threatening one for PITA to talk to with his permission.

I did some research tonight while working on this blog and found a couple of places in the DFW area.  If you know someone who needs help or if you need it, please look for it.  It is not ok to be hit.  I nearly had a man choke me to death in front of PITA three years ago.  Fortunately for me he released his hold on my neck when he noticed my face turning purple and I had stopped cussing him.  Nothing is worth possibly losing your life or that of one you love through silence.  My hands are tied because I don't know where PITA is right now or I would get help to her.  Please say a little prayer for my PITA.

Peace out my peeps....look out for those you love.

Religion...

***These views may not be your own, but I encourage all to research on their own. Read and educate yourself, don't just believe blindly.***

Every few years something will spark a religious search of sorts in my life, ex-hubs would be the best person to confirm this. Anyway, I watched a video on YouTube that started this. If you are interested:

Now I watched part1 and 2. It made me think about religion again and the many spiritual journeys I have embarked on to understand God and religion. I believe there is a difference between God and religion. Long before I saw David Icke's information, I believed religion is used for control. I believe the human race is trained to believe what they are told and accept it. There are people out there in the world who go against the "norm" and think for themselves, and I think the "powers in charge" feed us information in such a way to paint these free thinkers as dangerous, crazy, trouble, and not to be trusted.

I feel I am a free thinker in many ways (do not get me wrong, I will fall into societal norms to avoid major conflict if needed). God and religion is a topic in which my brain has no limits. I don't place limits on my beliefs or how I choose to seek out God and be close to him. Most of my adult life I have thought it is possible that all world religions are worshiping the same God, only by different names and ways that fit that culture. I think mankind changed and altered religion to control citizens. In many ways religion is still used this way today.

My beliefs....and it is funny, they really haven't changed much in my adult life.....

I believe in the Christian God and Trinity because that is what is most familar to me, however I think the scope of who and what God is and how God looks is beyond anything our brains can process, at least in our earthly form. I read a book The Shack by William P Young that gave me the BEST way to look at God. It is worth a read, believe me.

I find that I identify with Eastern philosophies towards worship (notice I didn't say religion). I have been reading about the worship practices of Hinduism because I am often drawn to information about it. I read this the other night:

Sanskrit: एकम् सत् विप्रा: बहुधा वदन्ति
Transliteration: Ekam Sat Vipr¨¡ha Bahudh¨¡ Vadanti

English: "Truth is One, though the Sages know it as Many."
-- The Rig Veda (Book I, Hymn CLXIV, Verse 46)
Essentially, any kind of spiritual practice followed with faith, love and persistence will lead to the same ultimate state of self-realization. Thus, Hindu thought distinguishes itself by strongly encouraging tolerance for different beliefs since temporal systems cannot claim sole understanding of the one transcendental Truth. source

This really reached out to me, since I feel drawn to Hinduism. So I am currently reading more about it. I had thought about getting the OM symbol tattooed on the back of my neck about 4 years ago and thought of it many times since. Never really thought about its connection to Hinduism until I started researching. ( Random thought: I may get it as my next tat instead of my sparrow.)

I separate from Christianity in one way, but I believe it is our form of purgatory, so I guess it isn't that far. I believe in reincarnation. People look at me funny with that statement. I will explain. I believe we take an earthly form many times to learn certain lessons to bring us closer to God. I don't believe really in past life regression in hypnosis. What I think is these lessons are learned deep in our souls. Have you ever met someone so young yet they were so wise? I believe they are a soul that has been around a couple of times. Or those people that never seem to learn their lesson in life and we all shake our head at them or we just can't help but say "bless your heart" (also knowns as the southern "You dumbass").....I think those are young souls still learning. I think many of us have a soul in between these extremes. I think many of us find our understanding with God early on in reincarnation and move on to the next life cycle of the soul.

I just wanted to put some thoughts out there. Feel free to leave comments if you happen to stop by and this post catches your attention.

Peace out my peeps.....May you find solace and peace in your search and understanding of God and what God means to you.

The Om symbol: This symbol has provided me with a peaceful feeling for many years. I have it shown here in what may end up the way I will get it tattooed. I love the Celtic touch.

McKinney...he gets his own post

***Warning...sappy, lovey-dovey, girly post follows***

This post was requested through facebook after I asked which to post about....Religion or the new guy. New Guy won LOL

What this is going to probably end up being are a lot of random thoughts about him....I can't seem to keep a cohesive thought when I think about him. I get jumbled up and ramble lol

So it has been a little over a month since I got back in touch with McKinney. Things are going very well. Every time I send him a text I grin like a little school girl. If we are texting a lot my cheeks will hurt :)

He seems to accept my quirkiness. I swear the key is just to try to laugh through life with me. It isn't so hard. Besides, if someone will hear me out, it might amaze them the things I know to back up whatever eccentric idea I have.

I love his touch, there is tenderness in his touch that touches my heart.

I have found myself a few times close to saying words I don't just throw around. But I still stop myself. Afraid it is too soon. But I do care about him a lot. I don't know how to express that to him. I love that he holds my hand while we are watching TV or talking. I wish I knew how to tell him how he is making me feel and it is awesome. The good feelings are slowly growing stronger.

He is one of my last thoughts at night. I wonder if my late night texts bother him lol. I want to talk to him, but he works a non-traditional shift. He has usually been in bed a few hours when I am dragging myself to my bed finally for the night. But I think of things and just have to tell him so I send a text and I try to always remember to tell him good morning, since I know he gets them when he wakes up. I like when he sends me one every now and then, it is special to wake up and see a good morning from him waiting for me.

I randomly want to call or text him, not because I have something to tell him, but just to say hi. I don't because that might seem needy and it isn't that, it is just that I think of him. Men I have attempted to have relationships with (Army excluded), I haven't thought of them during the day. I wasn't considerate to their feelings or wishes all the time because it was lust and not budding feelings.

I guess that is what is happening...a budding relationship....there is this nice pace to things, nothing feels rushed, but I could see potential for us. I hope he sees the same thing. I believe he does or else he wouldn't be around. I can't wait to see what blooms from this. I am so thankful for the things I have been through over the last few years so I would be ready for a man like him. I am glad he told me no when we first met and I wanted something more. I would have messed it up I am sure.

Peace out my peeps....have sweet dreams, I am off for bed myself.