Thinking of PITA

As it was mentioned I should think of PITA and the kind of role model I am being for her. Let me explain what kind of role model I am being.....

1. I am showing her that a woman doesn't have to sell herself out to a man because she loves him.
2. I am showing her that it is ok to be true to yourself no matter what anyone else thinks.
3. I am showing her it is possible to make it on your own without a man.
4. I am showing her a strong woman who can date but isn't defined by the men she dates.
5. I am showing her how to stand up for herself.
6. I am showing her that it is ok to make wave and do things her own way as long as she takes care of her responsibilities.

To be perfectly honest, I think I am being a damn good role model to PITA. She isn't seeing me give up myself and sacrifice who I am for another person. She is seeing me be independent and strong. Do me a favor, hubs, before you cast stones at me, take a damn hard look in the mirror at yourself and throw the first damn stone at YOU. You have NO RIGHT ever to question how I choose to raise her. When you can stand up and be dad of the year then you can tell me where I am screwing up. Until then, back the hell off of using her to manipulate me to do the shit you want me to do and not the stuff I WANT TO DO!

News Flash

I am an adult.

Scary thought, I know and I also know there are some out there in the world who feel I still need lots of protection like an infant child. But guess what, I am an adult. I can actually stand up and take what the world has to offer and sometimes the lemons don't go so well with the tequila. I don't need to be told I am irrational. I don't need to be told I am a whore. I don't need to be told how I am fucking my life up. UNDERSTAND IT IS MY LIFE TO FUCK UP. I am an adult, deal with it, I have. Quite frankly people may not like the things I do or how I choose to live my life, but it is MY LIFE. I am not one to tell others how to live theirs. I may offer my observations and will give my opinion when asked, but I don't have any right to tell someone else how to live or to judge them for the way they choose to live their lives. I understand that I may not be the picture of what others think I SHOULD be, but that is fine, this is who I am, deal with it. This is the person I have needed to let out. It is a little over the top at the moment because it has been bottled up and locked away in the dark recesses of my soul for many years. I may go a little overboard at first, but I will calm down and mellow out and then just simply be the wonderful person that God intended. God can see into my heart and knows the reasons for every move I make and according to the good book loves me despite my sins. He is the only one allowed to judge if I remember correctly. You can tell me you are worried or that you don't want me to get hurt, but understand I AM MAKING THESE CHOICES FOR MYSELF and I am willing to be woman enough to accept the consequences as well.

Peace out my peeps....be true to yourself because in the end the only person you can ever really know is YOU.

New Beginnings

I was pretty close to being on the money for when I knew the darkness would start to lift. Funny that I didn't really need to remove the warning, but it played right out to about the time it would expire......

With that said, this is just a little post to let all who read know that things are looking up a little. I know there are going to still be tough days, but I am finding I am enjoying my new found freedom more and more. Even though I am taking risks (nothing really new to me, just something I didn't do while with the ex) and even to some degree concerning those around me. Please be sure that I am being safe, no decision I make or move I make is without great consideration on my part. I am having fun. Let me. It is my time finally.

Will write more when I am not feeling so jet lagged from two days of living like a rock star.

Peace out my peeps.....remember your happiness is out there, don't give up the search until you find it.

WARNING!

Things in this blog are bound to be dark for a while. I need a place to let this out and this seems like the best place to turn it all loose. I am keeping this post at the top as a warning before you venture on. I will remove it when I feel the darkness fading some into light.

Focus

Hmmm, what an interesting word. Never really thought much about it until tonight. Although I admire this trait in PTG, it is something that can be a bit frustrating. Most of his calls will come in pretty late at night because as soon as he gets home he is completely focused on his personal business ventures. Tonight I thought I would make an offer to him to take a break about 30 minutes from when he called. He had mentioned he hadn't eaten and I offered to bring food...even though he said he was tempted....I was told that he was really focused and wanted to get this work done. Now that is a bit of an eye opener...as much as I enjoy this man's company, I know where his focus is and it is going to take something bigger than me to shake that LOL. Oh well...

Talked to the lawyers yesterday.....they are starting the paperwork and tomorrow I will take in the money for the court fees so they can move forward with filing. I am sure all of this brings relief to the ex's mind. I get the feeling he is ready to have all of this done as soon as possible and I wonder if the midget nurse doesn't have something to do with that. I know he is happy and I am happy for him. I wish him all the luck in the world and I am truly sorry he can't find it in himself to try to meet me half way so we can make this marriage work. But then really why should I care about that now. He knows where I stand, I have been honest with him about wanting to make things work instead of dissolving the marriage and he has made it clear that he wants me the hell out of his life. I get it. I am have no idea where I am getting the strength to stand up to that kind of rejection and still ask for more from him. But I do know that I am starting to find my way a little at a time.

I have found the saddest part about all of this....being numb again. I was coming out of that state this last year and when he walked out the door he took every real emotion I had with him. I was told it will take time, but that I will start to feel again. Who knows. All I want is to be able to feel passion and love again. I miss those feelings. Life is a little empty without a feeling of passion.

Oh....Sassy....at dinner I mentioned the new CD by Sam Moore....it is called Overnight Sensational....and the song he sang was called "Don't Play That Song (You Lied)". I downloaded a version by Aretha that I LOVE. It is a great song. It will be going on the divorce CD I am making for the ex.

Peace out my peeps....going back to my music........