Focus

Hmmm, what an interesting word. Never really thought much about it until tonight. Although I admire this trait in PTG, it is something that can be a bit frustrating. Most of his calls will come in pretty late at night because as soon as he gets home he is completely focused on his personal business ventures. Tonight I thought I would make an offer to him to take a break about 30 minutes from when he called. He had mentioned he hadn't eaten and I offered to bring food...even though he said he was tempted....I was told that he was really focused and wanted to get this work done. Now that is a bit of an eye opener...as much as I enjoy this man's company, I know where his focus is and it is going to take something bigger than me to shake that LOL. Oh well...

Talked to the lawyers yesterday.....they are starting the paperwork and tomorrow I will take in the money for the court fees so they can move forward with filing. I am sure all of this brings relief to the ex's mind. I get the feeling he is ready to have all of this done as soon as possible and I wonder if the midget nurse doesn't have something to do with that. I know he is happy and I am happy for him. I wish him all the luck in the world and I am truly sorry he can't find it in himself to try to meet me half way so we can make this marriage work. But then really why should I care about that now. He knows where I stand, I have been honest with him about wanting to make things work instead of dissolving the marriage and he has made it clear that he wants me the hell out of his life. I get it. I am have no idea where I am getting the strength to stand up to that kind of rejection and still ask for more from him. But I do know that I am starting to find my way a little at a time.

I have found the saddest part about all of this....being numb again. I was coming out of that state this last year and when he walked out the door he took every real emotion I had with him. I was told it will take time, but that I will start to feel again. Who knows. All I want is to be able to feel passion and love again. I miss those feelings. Life is a little empty without a feeling of passion.

Oh....Sassy....at dinner I mentioned the new CD by Sam Moore....it is called Overnight Sensational....and the song he sang was called "Don't Play That Song (You Lied)". I downloaded a version by Aretha that I LOVE. It is a great song. It will be going on the divorce CD I am making for the ex.

Peace out my peeps....going back to my music........