Open Letter to HUBS

Dear Hubs~

Unfortunately, my love, you do not know where I stand. You have yet to take the time to talk to me. And I do mean talk. I am not meaning screaming at me, calling me names and reminding me with every other sentence what I have done wrong. Things I have done well to not do to you around every corner.

I have apologized and no I don't regret what I have done, but for reasons you can't comprehend. I regret what I have done to you and I, not the relationship that caused this. Giving up that friendship would be easy if you could promise to be the man that I need. I have asked if you could be my friend again and talk to me and laugh with me and have fun with me and you told me no, you could not be that man.

It seems to me that for 15 years I have been asking for that and you never did it. I have wanted nothing more than to make this marriage work and found ways to have my other needs (and I don't mean sexual ones) met so that I could be with the man I love and married. I know you aren't into books. You don't care about current events. Odd stories don't matter unless they have a sports theme. Honestly if it isn't wrapped in sports it isn't for you. I accepted that and found others to fill that need of conversation for me. And yes, I allowed two of those relationships to get physical in the last year.

This last year, I have truly stepped way out on a limb and tried to discover more things about myself. I am sorry that you are not strong enough to go on this journey with me. Before I stepped out, you will remember we were fighting every day and it was about going out on Saturday nights. I wanted to go blow off some steam and you wanted me at home on the couch. I was going out of my mind and you were fighting to keep me locked up. I am sorry that I did a jail break and discovered some freedom. I am even more sorry that I hurt you in the process. You have never understood how much I love you. I was willing to give up who I was for 14 years to be with you. I sold out to you, for love.

I want us to work, but I am beginning to understand that we are in two completely different places in our lives. I have asked you over for dinner and taken you out in a effort to let you get to know me and hopefully you will be reminded why you loved me in the first place, but all you end up doing is reminding me what a worthless piece of shit I am.

Hubs, take care of yourself. I know this divorce is going to get ugly. That was not what I wanted, however I want this marriage to work and you will do nothing to meet me half way. Since that is the case, it is hard to be friendly and nicey nice. I am finally getting to anger myself. The whole time I haven't been mad, but I am getting pissed now.

I know you have always loved PITA and I, but I also know you like to have control. You didn't gain the upper hand when you moved out like you thought you would and you have forgotten how hardheaded I can be when a point needs to be made. If you are willing to walk away from 15 years because you can't lock me up in a cage again, then that is your choice. I just refuse to be controlled like that again. I want to be my own person and I want a man strong enough to stand beside me and be his own person as well.

You were my heart and soul, then about a year ago you drove me into utter darkness and turned away from me. I was tired of being alone and lonely all the time and I reached out for someone else to help me see in the darkness.

Your Wife, who still loves you despite everything.