How am I suppose to move on if I feel like it is wrong to date?
I have never met anyone with the intention of replacing hubs...so how am I suppose to date now? That would be what is going on...finding a replacement and I don't want to do that. UGH!!! I can't seem to move forward and I can't go backwards. I am stuck.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Why?
This weekend has been so fucked up. Hubs has emailed me, sent me a text or called every freaking day. Yesterday he sent me a text to find out if he was invited to my nephew's birthday party. I called my sister to see how she felt about it and she told me that if it wouldn't make me uncomfortable that it was ok. So I told him ok. Then he wants to know...do I need to bring anything and all the details. I told him a gift. He asked if I had one. I told him I would and put his name on it so he wouldn't have to worry about. Then about one in the morning we were texting and he was telling me he hasn't gotten a lot of sleep and I asked why and he tells me why and I tell him that he should take something and he says he doesn't do that and then I told him to come home I had a place for him to sleep. He then tells me that I know he can't come home. I ask why. Never really got a good answer on that. I mean seriously. WHY!?! Just come home and work on stuff with me.
SO today he comes to the birthday party and that was all fucked up. He asks for a hug and then says maybe five sentences to me. He didn't talk to anyone else or anything. When he left I was just about ready to go as well. He sent me a text to let me know he was going to the house. I told him cool, that PITA and I were going to stop by. I just wanted to talk to him. That didn't go well. I was reminded again of all of my faults and the fact that I won't stop talking to the man who I had my most recent affair with is the reason he won't come home. I reminded him that he told me the sex had to stop but that the friendship wouldn't be an issue. And guess what...now the friendship is an issue. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I love him and want him home, but I don't want to be something he feels he owns. I can't live like that. It would kill me in the long run. He can't handle me having anyone, male or female, platonic or not, in my life. Hell he has even shown jealousy of PITA. That is NOT NORMAL! And when I ask him to make an appointment for us to go see a counselor he won't. When I ask him to sit and talk to me, he won't. I have asked him to get to know me again and he has told me that based on the little bit that he has seen so far he doesn't want to know the rest. How does a man tell his partner of 15 years something like that?
Why won't he even try to work on this marriage?
SO today he comes to the birthday party and that was all fucked up. He asks for a hug and then says maybe five sentences to me. He didn't talk to anyone else or anything. When he left I was just about ready to go as well. He sent me a text to let me know he was going to the house. I told him cool, that PITA and I were going to stop by. I just wanted to talk to him. That didn't go well. I was reminded again of all of my faults and the fact that I won't stop talking to the man who I had my most recent affair with is the reason he won't come home. I reminded him that he told me the sex had to stop but that the friendship wouldn't be an issue. And guess what...now the friendship is an issue. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I love him and want him home, but I don't want to be something he feels he owns. I can't live like that. It would kill me in the long run. He can't handle me having anyone, male or female, platonic or not, in my life. Hell he has even shown jealousy of PITA. That is NOT NORMAL! And when I ask him to make an appointment for us to go see a counselor he won't. When I ask him to sit and talk to me, he won't. I have asked him to get to know me again and he has told me that based on the little bit that he has seen so far he doesn't want to know the rest. How does a man tell his partner of 15 years something like that?
Why won't he even try to work on this marriage?
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Building sadness
Today I didn't wake up feeling as strong as I did yesterday. I think the way I felt as I was trying to go to sleep had a lot to do with it. Last night I got PITA home and she talked my ear off until about 11:30 when I told her I absolutely HAD to go to sleep since I need to be up and awake in 5 hours. As she left my bedroom and turned out the light it occurred to me that I had no one to kiss good night. Such a small little thing, but I missed it tremendously last night. I have the extra pillows in the bed laid out to feel a little like a person lying next to me. Then when I woke up this morning I had the overwhelming feeling that I needed to call hubs, but we had agreed after an ugly discussion last night that we need to not talk for a while.
Also last night, in that ugly discussion there was a comment that really hit home with me and cut me to the bone. I am not sure that was hubs' intention as he rarely means to hurt me like her has recently. He told me last night that this "new person" that is emerging isn't someone he likes. I asked him how he knows that for sure since he hasn't taken the time to get to know that person too well lately. He told me that based on what little he has seen so far he is sure there is nothing about me that he is going to like anymore. How does someone go from calling their wife their life (yes, he has called me that instead of wife) to telling them they don't like anything about them. I was this way when he met me and toned down my wilder side as our relationship progressed. All the time I told him I there were things I wanted to try once PITA was older. I told him that there were so many things I didn't get to experience and there was going to be a day when I was going to want to. He knew that all along.
I settled down because I had PITA and hubs and a career to focus on. There wasn't time for me to be selfish and do things that I wanted to do. I had a family and big responsibilities to handle that required more of my time. After 15 years together I felt hubs and I would be solid and secure enough to handle me starting to spread my wings some. But, as some of you know, last Spring when I did that he clipped my wings. I have tried over and over again to fully get out there and live a little but he has fought me all the way, feeling insecure and thinking I wanted to leave. I never wanted out. I have only wanted to see what the world has to offer.
I just hope this lump in my chest passes soon. I don't want to cry the evening away again. I want to be laughing and trying to move on like hubs told me to do. I am afraid to move on though. I don't want to lose him and if I move on I am afraid that will mean leaving him behind. He has been a part of me for half my life. I don't know how to walk away from that or how to move on from that. I just wish he knew that none of the things I have done have had anything to do with him, but EVERYTHING to do with me. I am trying to become my own person and to do that I need to experience things. ~sigh~ I will figure it out in time.
Peace out my peeps...Hug and kiss your loved ones tonight and don't part on angry words.
Also last night, in that ugly discussion there was a comment that really hit home with me and cut me to the bone. I am not sure that was hubs' intention as he rarely means to hurt me like her has recently. He told me last night that this "new person" that is emerging isn't someone he likes. I asked him how he knows that for sure since he hasn't taken the time to get to know that person too well lately. He told me that based on what little he has seen so far he is sure there is nothing about me that he is going to like anymore. How does someone go from calling their wife their life (yes, he has called me that instead of wife) to telling them they don't like anything about them. I was this way when he met me and toned down my wilder side as our relationship progressed. All the time I told him I there were things I wanted to try once PITA was older. I told him that there were so many things I didn't get to experience and there was going to be a day when I was going to want to. He knew that all along.
I settled down because I had PITA and hubs and a career to focus on. There wasn't time for me to be selfish and do things that I wanted to do. I had a family and big responsibilities to handle that required more of my time. After 15 years together I felt hubs and I would be solid and secure enough to handle me starting to spread my wings some. But, as some of you know, last Spring when I did that he clipped my wings. I have tried over and over again to fully get out there and live a little but he has fought me all the way, feeling insecure and thinking I wanted to leave. I never wanted out. I have only wanted to see what the world has to offer.
I just hope this lump in my chest passes soon. I don't want to cry the evening away again. I want to be laughing and trying to move on like hubs told me to do. I am afraid to move on though. I don't want to lose him and if I move on I am afraid that will mean leaving him behind. He has been a part of me for half my life. I don't know how to walk away from that or how to move on from that. I just wish he knew that none of the things I have done have had anything to do with him, but EVERYTHING to do with me. I am trying to become my own person and to do that I need to experience things. ~sigh~ I will figure it out in time.
Peace out my peeps...Hug and kiss your loved ones tonight and don't part on angry words.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Let it go
Wow...for those of you that know me, you know that God and I are always in a battle. One I am sure to lose, but then I am fine with that. At least I feel I have expressed my need for free will by battling it out. However, this God that I fight so hard against seems to be looking out for my best interests even when I tell Him I don't want Him to. Today while picking up my copy of the Daily OM off the printer, I saw an email someone had printed and say the words LET IT GO. I read one line and then saw who wrote it and decided to come to my room to find this on the web and read it myself. I can't tell you how fitting this was for today and what I was needing to read or hear at this time. All I will say...is I am fortunate to have a God that will look out for me even when I am being a spoiled brat who doesn't want to follow the rules.
Let it go
by Pastor TD Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,
loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,
staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you,
you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person,
it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's
part in your story is over so that you
don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something.
I've got the gift of good-bye.
It's the tenth spiritual gift,
I believe in good-bye.
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,
and I know whatever God means for me to have
He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,
loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,
staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you,
you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person,
it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's
part in your story is over so that you
don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something.
I've got the gift of good-bye.
It's the tenth spiritual gift,
I believe in good-bye.
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,
and I know whatever God means for me to have
He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong
to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to .
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge ..
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents ..
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude...
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves..
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed ...
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need
to...
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past.
Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge ..
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents ..
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude...
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves..
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed ...
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need
to...
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past.
Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then
LET IT GO!!!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Not dead
Hello....Wow, there is an echo in this place now. I think it is just about time to clear out the cobwebs and wipe away the dust and start posting again. I don't even remember the last time I was in this blog other than to see how to post a video. I see I have to repair some picture links too. :-(
Well...things are not happy these days.
PITA is doing a little better even though she is still failing. After this school year she will be going to Green Acres with me. She will attend high school there and with the friends I have made maybe the villiage can set this child straight. Her and I have been rebuliding our relationship even with some MAJOR set backs in honesty from her.
Hubs and I are separating. At least that seems to be the plan at the moment. We have some differences that we can't seem to work through at the moment, but you never know. Life might swing back around for us and we might actually put this thing back together. I don't want to divorce him, but I am starting to wonder if we are able to put our differences aside and just be us again. He is a great man and I want him to be happy. I know that the problems we have are mostly my fault and that I have damaged our marriage. I hope one day he will know that it wasn't about him, but me being selfish. I also hope one day he will realize the depth to which I love him.
Green Acres...it is still Disneyland to me. I love this place...the kids...the adults...and the job. I have gotten more and more involved over the last few months and have loved every second of the stuff I do. Even if it wears me out sometimes.
The chaos in my marriage has taken such a toll on me that I am tired all the time. Who knows maybe I will just come out on the other end a survivor and happier.
Peace out my peeps...you will be seeing more of me. While I may blog about the bad, I promise to try to cover some of the good and insane as well. I am going to use this blog for a while to sort through somethings.
Well...things are not happy these days.
PITA is doing a little better even though she is still failing. After this school year she will be going to Green Acres with me. She will attend high school there and with the friends I have made maybe the villiage can set this child straight. Her and I have been rebuliding our relationship even with some MAJOR set backs in honesty from her.
Hubs and I are separating. At least that seems to be the plan at the moment. We have some differences that we can't seem to work through at the moment, but you never know. Life might swing back around for us and we might actually put this thing back together. I don't want to divorce him, but I am starting to wonder if we are able to put our differences aside and just be us again. He is a great man and I want him to be happy. I know that the problems we have are mostly my fault and that I have damaged our marriage. I hope one day he will know that it wasn't about him, but me being selfish. I also hope one day he will realize the depth to which I love him.
Green Acres...it is still Disneyland to me. I love this place...the kids...the adults...and the job. I have gotten more and more involved over the last few months and have loved every second of the stuff I do. Even if it wears me out sometimes.
The chaos in my marriage has taken such a toll on me that I am tired all the time. Who knows maybe I will just come out on the other end a survivor and happier.
Peace out my peeps...you will be seeing more of me. While I may blog about the bad, I promise to try to cover some of the good and insane as well. I am going to use this blog for a while to sort through somethings.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
