Building sadness

Today I didn't wake up feeling as strong as I did yesterday. I think the way I felt as I was trying to go to sleep had a lot to do with it. Last night I got PITA home and she talked my ear off until about 11:30 when I told her I absolutely HAD to go to sleep since I need to be up and awake in 5 hours. As she left my bedroom and turned out the light it occurred to me that I had no one to kiss good night. Such a small little thing, but I missed it tremendously last night. I have the extra pillows in the bed laid out to feel a little like a person lying next to me. Then when I woke up this morning I had the overwhelming feeling that I needed to call hubs, but we had agreed after an ugly discussion last night that we need to not talk for a while.

Also last night, in that ugly discussion there was a comment that really hit home with me and cut me to the bone. I am not sure that was hubs' intention as he rarely means to hurt me like her has recently. He told me last night that this "new person" that is emerging isn't someone he likes. I asked him how he knows that for sure since he hasn't taken the time to get to know that person too well lately. He told me that based on what little he has seen so far he is sure there is nothing about me that he is going to like anymore. How does someone go from calling their wife their life (yes, he has called me that instead of wife) to telling them they don't like anything about them. I was this way when he met me and toned down my wilder side as our relationship progressed. All the time I told him I there were things I wanted to try once PITA was older. I told him that there were so many things I didn't get to experience and there was going to be a day when I was going to want to. He knew that all along.

I settled down because I had PITA and hubs and a career to focus on. There wasn't time for me to be selfish and do things that I wanted to do. I had a family and big responsibilities to handle that required more of my time. After 15 years together I felt hubs and I would be solid and secure enough to handle me starting to spread my wings some. But, as some of you know, last Spring when I did that he clipped my wings. I have tried over and over again to fully get out there and live a little but he has fought me all the way, feeling insecure and thinking I wanted to leave. I never wanted out. I have only wanted to see what the world has to offer.

I just hope this lump in my chest passes soon. I don't want to cry the evening away again. I want to be laughing and trying to move on like hubs told me to do. I am afraid to move on though. I don't want to lose him and if I move on I am afraid that will mean leaving him behind. He has been a part of me for half my life. I don't know how to walk away from that or how to move on from that. I just wish he knew that none of the things I have done have had anything to do with him, but EVERYTHING to do with me. I am trying to become my own person and to do that I need to experience things. ~sigh~ I will figure it out in time.

Peace out my peeps...Hug and kiss your loved ones tonight and don't part on angry words.