Having a conversation with a respected friend got me to thinking.
I have been working hard to lose weight and improve myself and I think I have been doing a great job. I have enjoyed my journey and it is far from being over. I have noticed in the last few months that hubs has started to really try to bring the sledge hammer down on my fun. I didn't think we were going to have a problem, but everyone kept telling me to get ready.
Then in January when HB went off on me and I resigned from all of my extra duties at the school I decided it was time to do some things for myself. I have been on a steady diet of self since then. Well this has had some major consequences. I know I have become very self centered and focused on just me, but I have been focused on everyone else for so long it was time.
I know I have some people worried about me. I am fine. I am not going off the deep end. Hubs is my world and I am not leaving him (no matter how scared he might be about that). I am fine. I am FINE. I AM FINE!! I just wanted to be selfish for a while and I am starting to think that maybe it isn't worth it. Maybe I just need to give up on being me and just be the person that everyone expects me to be. I am not happy in either situation and maybe getting out of hell in May will make a difference.
I went to a cult meeting today and got all fired up again. I think I want to be a director.....not think, know that I want to be a director. I want to drive a free car and I want to build my business with Mary Kay. Plan is to be in my free car by August. I would like to be in DIQ (Director in qualification) by May and use the summer to get my free Grand Prix. Guess I will have to put all of my focus in my business and forget about me for a while so I can reach these goals.
I need a road trip to clear my head. Need to get out of dodge for a day or two. Anyone have any ideas on where I should go?
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3 comments:
Grey,
Sometimes it isn't about being selfish. We all preserve who we are in different ways. Being open and communicating that to your dear Hubs and PITA is an ongoing (and often exhausting) task. You cannot be who others want you to be to make them happy (believe me, I've been there, done that) because ultimately, they would be unhappy without YOU. Yes, it is a bit of a paradox. You have a right to be proud of setting goals and working hard to achieve them. Insecurity is always a byproduct of change. I remember a wonderful conversation about this very thing that you and I had a while ago. Women are naturally willing to give without a second thought to themselves, which is why the species has been preserved so long. I think that as we age and mature, we become reflective and start the search for who we are without our family, friends, etc. That does not diminish us as nurturers. So don't resign yourself to being someone you are not to keep the peace. That, in my opinion, would be a far worse example for PITA and could erode your golden years with Hubs. You know you are blessed, and I envy you many things. Just keep working on communicating what you are trying to discover about yourself and why it is so important to all of your lives. Hubs is a smart guy who loves you, and he'll eventually come to understand your journey. He'll learn to relax his grip and enjoy the person you are becoming.
I think your goal of director is exciting, and if anyone can do it, you can. I don't need to wish you luck because you don't need it. I figure in a year, you'll own the whole Mary Kay empire! LOL Go for it! XOXO
Dracul,
Such cynicism...(sigh) This indicates to me that you are of a certain age and full of stories about life's disappointments. And yes, Michael Caine is wonderful. Did you see "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels"? But that's neither here nor there...
And Grey, buck up stay positive!
Ah yes...Cider House Rules:
"Goodnight, you princes of Maine. You kings of New England."
I'm tearing up just thinking about that movie. Lovely....
(And men of a certain age fascinate me...)
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