Tonight I got a call from my former stepmom. She was letting me know about a conversation with my dad. It is funny how things work out over time and the "truth" of a situation will come out.
My dad hasn't spoken to me since February 14th. He changed his number in April or May and never called me or my sister who is just four years younger than me to let us know what his new number was. I figured he was getting ready to break ties with me when I found out about this.
Anyway~ His phone call with my former stepmom was pretty vicious. He went on and on with her about wanting to take my youngest sister away from her and how she is an unfit mother. As if he is any better with his sexual fetishes that he doesn't hide from my younger sisters too well. He then tells my stepmom through his angry bashing at her that I am dead to him as far as he is concerned. DAMN IT!! The really fucked up part is, I have no idea why he is pissed at me or what I have done that makes him put me in the "dead" to him column.
I am so hurt and angry right now. I don't know how to put into words how I feel. The number of times I have taken slaps to the face because I stood up for him to my mother or to one of his wives and the number of times I defended him thinking he was a good man. I just don't get what makes a person so fucking defective that their parents don't love them or what makes a parent put conditions on the love they have for their child.
I look at my own child and how much she frustrates the hell out of me, but I NEVER decide if she is worthy of my love because she is ALWAYS worthy no matter how pissed I might get at her. She is my child and deserves all I can give her. How do some parents not fucking get that????
I just hurt right now. The wine I think is making the pain a little more raw, or at least allowing it all to burn a little more. Maybe one day he will decide I am worthy of his love, but by then the real question will be: is he going to be worthy of mine?
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