Growing up...

Nope, won't ever do it fully, but the more time I spend apart from my ex, the more I find myself. I miss him, he was and still is a very good man, who has tried hard to help me no matter what. I will always be thankful for the time we had as a couple and the friendship we have created even through divorce and him getting remarried.

I have learned so many things in this journey. No one will ever be able to understand how far I have come, unless they were there to see me go from normal, to insane, and now back on the other side....to well, I guess me. I once thought that it would all be easier if I just quietly went off and died, now I realize what a coward I was to go through the pain that I needed to go through. I punished myself far more than anyone else could have for the wrongs I have done to people in my life. I was never a "bad" person, never really did anything to harm another intentionally. But there were some wrongs I did, that I had to a pay a price for. And in many ways, I am still punishing myself. Just now it isn't drugs or staying locked up in my house refusing to be apart of the world.

I sometimes wish i had blogged more through this all, then maybe one day I could go back, read over it and see where I was and how far I have come. I know things were so dark once that I felt like I was blind, now I just have times where I put blinders on, just so I can punish myself a little more.

There are days when I would give anything to go back and change some of my decisions and then I think about how far I have come, where I am at today and I don't think I want to give that up. I am becoming more proud of myself over time. And one day I will be a woman that I can say I am proud I have become. Strong, independent, capable of handling any situation with class and dignity and not allow my IQ to be decreased by becoming so mad that I can't think straight and keep a clear level head about what is happening or what needs to happen. (Sgt BB, thank you for reminding me that there is actual scientific proof of how our IQ drops when we get angry).

I even think one day I will find a man who will bring me up, who will compliment me in every area of my life and who will stand strong beside me and be proud to call me his. I am not sure when that day will come or if I even trust myself to not fuck it up. I just know that one day, I will be blessed with that man when he enters my life and I pray that I will see him for what he is and be the woman he needs.

Peace out my peeps, I know no one really checks this blog anymore, and maybe that is a good thing, but if you do stop by, feel free to say hi.