Six Month Review

Well....I am finally feeling like myself again. I am clean (no drugs in my system anymore), I have a lawyer (so maybe my legal issues can get handled now), I am unemployed (but going on interviews and sending out resumes like crazy), I am a grandmother (even though he lives in Oklahoma with his adoptive family).

I don't even know where to begin and when I look back on the last year it is like I don't know who that person was or what the hell she was thinking. I truly believe I went temporarily insane for a year due to the stress of the divorce and losing the only person I have ever really loved.

As for the ex, I think he is doing ok. I worry about him and his health all the time. We still talk a couple of times a week. It use to be every day, at least we have backed off that. I still love him dearly and deep inside still hold the hope that one day we might find out way back to each other.

I have finally healed enough that I feel ready to actually date. Although I don't know how to do that too well. I met one man that actually got my attention...turns out he wasn't a good guy, great on paper, but where it counts he was almost slime. It really hurt that I didn't see it in him, but I chose not to beat myself up about it for too long. Best to see him as a stepping stone to the next one....

PITA is doing well. As well as can be expected for having an emergency c-section and then giving her son up for adoption. She got pictures from the family this week and it was pretty great. They even sent her a gorgeous silver necklace with his birthday engraved on it.

As for our own family, after they were complete asses and a text apology for calling PITA a "nigger loving whore" we have heard nothing. You know...you can read through this blog and it is littered with pain from how it is with my family. But I have decided no more. The only ones I want to stay in contact with are my dad and my sisters. I have decided when I have news for my dad I will call him...to hell with his wife or the rest of them and how they jump the gun. I will speak directly to my dad. As for my sisters...those are easy relationships.

So many times in the last year I was close to just ending it all. But I am here to say now that I am glad for the choices I made that allowed me to stay alive. I know the drugs weren't the best option, but they kept me numb enough to not hurt with the intensity that nearly caused me to commit suicide. Even though I have lost my job, my husband and the life I once I had; I have a very unique opportunity to start over. I get to rebuild my life, MY WAY. I am not building it based on my husband's dreams or on what I think PITA needs or by the way I think I should look in society. I feel the freedom to build my new life the way I choose, that will ultimately make me happy. I will not waste my time on men who bring me down. I will not waste my time in a job I hate. I will not waste anymore time period! I am truly alive again and it is refreshing. I know there will be hard times, but I feel I am so much stronger now and able to cope with them.

For those who do still check in here...and you know who you are that mentioned it to me.....this is for you. I will try to write a little more often.....

Peace out my peeps............