Letting Go

So yesterday, the climax of months of mean hateful treatment (not constant) by my daughter happened. I finally kicked her free-loading bf's ass to the curb. He was coming down off drugs (according to the kid) and I came at him "wrong" and the fight the broke out is one worth writing about.

First off he backed me into a wall chest to chest with me, screaming in my face. Then when I followed to the room he shared with my daughter, I was told to get out. I responded that it is my place, I pay the bills and he didn't have the right to tell me to leave. When I wouldn't leave he threatened to move me, I told him, do what you think you have to and he put his hands on me to move me. During all this, the kid is yelling at me, fighting for the bf.

I finally tell the kid she needs to pack her shit too. And she does. I am sick at this point with emotion....are in the house calling people and he is sitting there talking shit, says he is talking to himself but saying shit about me out loud and when I respond, I am told by the kid to shut up. ME I AM THE ONE WHO IS TOLD TO SHUT UP!!!! So I turn on her. This person that I gave birth to, raised and cared for and provided for. I told her I couldn't believe that she is allowing him to talk to me this way. That she was ok with it. To which he says "go sit next to your mom and suck on her tit". I told him to get the fuck out of my house NOW. There was no waiting to call people and find a place to go, he was to get his bags immediately and get out the front door. And of course the kid follows.

The kid needs to come back in to charge her phone....I let her and before I let her leave I ask her to talk to me. I am leaning on the front door not allowing her to leave. She tells me to get the fuck out of her way. I told her I wasn't moving, she could try to move me herself but I wanted to talk. She starts shoving. When that doesn't work, she starts slapping the shit out of me. Then I hit back. Then I go back to the door. She proceeds to punch the hell out of my right arm (there is a pretty bruise there now, about as big as the palm of my hand or so). Then she decides the best course of action is to call 911 and tell them I won't let her leave. While she is on the phone, I tell her to get out, I take her shit and throw it out the front door and lock it. Now the sad part, her bf is standing at the door the whole time laughing, you can hear him through the door. It makes me want to fucking puke how rude the two of them were.

So I am in the house, spent, crying, sore as hell and in shock that my own fucking kid would call the cops. I get a couple of phone calls and then I get an odd one for me. It is her ex. He is calling me to see what is going on. I explain what I can. He tells me she was left by her bf, he went off with his friends and left her out in the cold, with a trash bag of her stuff and no where to go. Then I get a call from her, "Mom can you come pick me up at the Target?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! She beats the hell out of me says she is leaving with her bf, but less than 30 min passes and she needs my help??? OMFG!!! So that I am thinking straight I call her dad. He tells me he wouldn't go get her. So when she calls again, I am able to tell her she knows where I am, if she wants to talk, she knows where to find me and I hang up.

She gets back here and she breaks down, but the only reason she called me....NO ONE ELSE WOULD GIVE HER A PLACE TO STAY!!! She tells me last night that she doesn't want to talk, she needs time to process things. So I gave her that. I went to bed, read a book feeling hurt and betrayed to a level I have never felt in my entire life and sick that she was in my house. I didn't want her here. I felt like she didn't want to be here and I couldn't figure out why I should let her stay. I didn't sleep well, but thank GOD for hydrocodone for the pain and it helped me to rest some.

So Christmas day I get up and start getting ready, my sister had invited me to her place and in light of what the kid did, she was not welcome at my sister's home. So I went. I had a great day and my BIL took my keys and kind of held me hostage at their place until about 10:45 at night. By the time I made it home the kid was livid....pissed that she spent Christmas alone. Doesn't feel that she should have spent the holiday alone and I guess I was just supposed to forgive and forget everything with her. Yes I had told her I wanted to come home and maybe make a nice dinner, but I didn't make it and I had a great day without drama.

She started telling me about the people that support her and aren't mad at her for what happened yesterday, they don't approve but they aren't mad at her. How she should be allowed to live here and not have any responsibility to help out with bills or anything else because she is my kid. You know, she quit being a kid when she decided to get pregnant and drop out of school and be an adult. As she says she is a grown ass woman. So if that is the case, then shouldn't she be held to grown up responsibilities? The parents of one of her friends wants to help her get a checking account set up because she is worried if it is set up in my name then I will spend the kid's money....FUCK YOU!!! YOUR BASTARDS DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER RUDE DISRESPECTFUL ASS EVERY FUCKING DAY!

Then she tell me, she knows why she treats me the way she does, but it is none of my business and she doesn't want to talk about it. So I have decided tonight, since I don't mean shit to her (I am just the reason her fucking ass exists in this world) and I don't deserve any respect from her then she needs to leave. All she is going to do is drag me down, day in and day out and I can't have that. I need to be fixing my life not just stuck in a rut being told or treated like I am a worthless piece of shit.

I hope your Christmas was better than mine.

82

According to a card reader I should die when I am 82, but as I move forward I sometimes think I am going to me a lot younger by several decades.

I finally have my life cleaned up, no more drugs, and I am trying like hell to do what is right, but I can't get a job and the things I have done for money I don't want to discuss.  I have had people use me up in the last year and a half and I have learned that the human spirit can only take so much before it finally starts dying.  As much as I feel like I have made leaps and bounds in my independent life and I have.....my spirit is dying....and I am starting to wonder again if it is even worth trying to save.

The world is not good.  People are not basically good.  People use each other any way they can, and they will use another person up until there is nothing left and then move on to the next person.

Please, God, hear my prayer and put me out of my misery.