December Blues

As the holidays get closer I realize that I am battling those December blues I get every year. It use to come from me wanting to create the "perfect holiday". I know that is and unreasonable expectation, but it was always something I wanted. But this year the blues seem to be burning from another more personal desire. I want to be a part of life again.

I have lost a big chunk of the last two years, first by being "crazy" for about 6 months and then putting myself on house arrest for about 10 months. It is like I have let life disappear around me. I have few friends, can count them on one hand, and no job. I am just lost.

I want someone to share life with again, someone that I can lean on and laugh with, someone who can be my partner and who will walk beside me. After all this time, I haven't found anyone I am willing to do that with. I haven't found anyone who seems like that is what they want or anyone who does want it that can keep my attention. I am so tired of being alone all the damn time. There are plenty of men who want to be a friend with benefits or a fuck buddy or my booty call, but honestly, that is soooooooo unfulfilling and later I realize I just ache for something more.

I know none of this is making any sense, just putting my thoughts in writing.

Peace out peeps.....