December Blues

As the holidays get closer I realize that I am battling those December blues I get every year. It use to come from me wanting to create the "perfect holiday". I know that is and unreasonable expectation, but it was always something I wanted. But this year the blues seem to be burning from another more personal desire. I want to be a part of life again.

I have lost a big chunk of the last two years, first by being "crazy" for about 6 months and then putting myself on house arrest for about 10 months. It is like I have let life disappear around me. I have few friends, can count them on one hand, and no job. I am just lost.

I want someone to share life with again, someone that I can lean on and laugh with, someone who can be my partner and who will walk beside me. After all this time, I haven't found anyone I am willing to do that with. I haven't found anyone who seems like that is what they want or anyone who does want it that can keep my attention. I am so tired of being alone all the damn time. There are plenty of men who want to be a friend with benefits or a fuck buddy or my booty call, but honestly, that is soooooooo unfulfilling and later I realize I just ache for something more.

I know none of this is making any sense, just putting my thoughts in writing.

Peace out peeps.....

There is a LOT more to me....

So I was introduced to a guy and thought he was nice. Still do. He is sweet but just looking for a fuck buddy and nothing more....

I have come across this many times at this point. What the hell?? Has every man near my age decided that sex with one person with no commitment is ok??? What is the fucking point?

Ex-hubs and several close friends know I have a very open mind about sex and enjoy it very much, but I do NOT want to be some one's booty call.

I want so badly to meet someone and date. I am more than a body to fuck.

The 'hood has gone nuts

So we had that wonderful activity to start Sunday at midnight...let me tell you the rest....

At 4:20 am sirens are coming into the complex...a couple of fire trucks and ambulances and a LOT of cop cars. Turns out someone was shot 15 times about 200 yards from my apartment and killed by the big boss of the complex.

Then Sunday night some chick is screaming at the top of her lungs for someone to help her because her guy is beating the shit out of her. I can hear them from the front of my apartment, but turned out they were in the court yard behind me.

Then Monday night some crackhead was seen at the corner store and someone had cut his neck.

Then early Thursday morning there were 5 cops cars blocking the apartments...I have no confirmation of this but it seems that someone else may have been shot.

Sooooo....that is the joy of my hood :-) I believe I will have to start calling it Beirut.

As for an update on me....I am scared to death about money. I still don't have a job, still don't seem to have any even close to lined up, retirement money isn't here yet and I have no way to make bills or have gas or eat now. Keep praying something comes through.

Fun Times in the 'Hood

So tonight, while watching tv and chillin in the living room, I hear a gun shot. Not sure where it come from...

We kind of get down, and another pops off, that one sounded like a shot gun. Then while checking with someone in the building behind me we hear 4 more shots.

Gotta love the 'hood.

Must be in the water

It has to be in the water. I am so fucking sick of flaky ass people.

So I wrote about my friend that just poofed on me. At least I get a random email every now and again...but still he is flaky and in his own little world, but the funny thing is I understand his world.

Then I have this friend that I see on occasion...he and I saw each other last Sunday, I have tried to reach him a little this week...no response. Not abnormal, but under the circumstances I think I would have heard from him...but NO.

Then a girlfriend of mine who is sweet as can be. Talk to her nearly every day, she sends me a message to tell me she is fucking up again and will be out of touch of a while and not to worry.

My God people....stop drinking the water that makes you flake out on other people and life in general.

Life is funny sometimes

So I meet this person online...pure chance, but his ad caught my attention and he claimed he wasn't looking for a relationship, just a friend.

Our birthdays are close together and based on his ad he sounded like someone I would really click with. I replied to his ad and we started talking. How much we have in common is insane. We have read the same series of books with the same favorite in the series. We like the same movies, foods, have this relationship with music, he is creative and a free spirit. We have conversations that have come down to one of us saying "me too" so many times.

We finally started talking about moving our relationship forward. And then he disappeared. I knew he was going through some stuff, I just didn't know how bad. Now that I do, I struggle even more with him being so distant. I understand it, but I know I can help. Damn it!!! He and I are so much alike that I get it. I know where he is, I about 95% sure I even know what would help soooooooo much. But what can a person do when the other person insists on being distant?

He is in this really dark place mentally and emotionally. I get that. I know what that place is like for me. Based on how much alike we are I am pretty sure I understand his place. My ex always tried to fix everything when I was in that place figuring that was what I needed to come out of it. Picture if you will a dark closet, you are all curled up in a nice blanket in the corn with door closed and you don't want to leave...you feel safe there while you are healing from whatever has put you there. You don't want someone to throw open the door and turn on the light and insist you get up shake it off and all with be fine (that is sort of what the ex did, and I love him to this day for trying) but that wasn't ever what I needed. I needed someone to quietly open the door, closed it behind them as they settled down on the floor with me and sat with me in that dark place while I healed a little. And just their presence is enough to speed up the process so much, because I would never want someone else to miss out on life for me. I wouldn't let someone else suffer for my depression.

I guess I will just try to stay in touch with him and let him know I am here to sit with him quietly in the dark :-) I just adore him as a friend and don't want to ever lose that.

Peace out my peeps...hug the people you love when you say goodbye and tell them you love them. You never know when it will be the last time.

WTF?!? PITA is a Prostitue now??

Well as anyone who probably reads here, knows I live in a rough part of town (but I still love it). But even this surprises me.

On Friday PITA went to the front of the complex to meet a friend. She was standing under a tree to be out of the sun looking for their car. The manager came out of the office and asked if she lived here, she said yes, and they told her she had to leave. When asked what the deal was, we found out the apartment managers felt PITA was soliciting cars on the corner. THEY CALLED MY KID A HOOKER!!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!

I called down and bitched them out...only to have both women come to my apartment door...I think they were checking to see if PITA really lived here....but they apologized for the assumption and said that it wouldn't happen again. But it doesn't change the fact that they thought my kid was hooking on the corner.....gotta love living in the 'hood.

Sigh...understanding Love

I do not claim to have any understanding of love anymore. Matter of the heart have me severely confused. I fell in love a couple of months ago to a man who on paper is perfect. Not to mention when we are together things are so easy for both of us and sharing the skeletons in our closet isn't so hard. He shocked me with a bit of honesty a couple of months ago and then literally fell off the face of the earth.

I was finally to the point that I didn't crave his company like a crackhead craves a fix and I get this random text apologizing to me. Then silence. About a week ago we spent over 5 hours texting and chatting online. Conversation for him and I is so natural and easy. Then silence.

Last night, he asked to see me. I thought it couldn't hurt, my addiction isn't that bad and I am handling things better and figured it would be no big deal. UGH!!!!!!!!!

As I sit here today I realize I am still in love with him. I also think he struggles with what he feels towards me since he shares so much with me. I have begun to wonder if his honesty with me wasn't a quick way for him to push me away because I was getting way too close to him. I do know that even though I can admit to being in love with him (and I feel as if I am betraying my ex more than with anything else I have ever done by falling for someone in a very real sense, not just lust or in the moment stuff) anyway...even though I can admit to loving him, I think I can keep my emotions in check and even play a little of the dating game. Who knows, this man might actually realize the connection we have and want to pursue more at some point, and who knows I might not even be ready if he does.

Peace out my peeps....hope you had a great weekend....hug your loved ones today.

Life in the Ghetto

I have heard many people gasp and look shocked when they find out where I live. My apartment isn't in the best part of town. I am in Dallas, but just barely. Yet, for all the noise people make about where I am, I find it to be a very entertaining place to live. Even my new boss when he heard where I was said it was NOT the 'hood or the ghetto, I live in Beirut.

At any given time there are all kinds of activities going on in my complex...hell, they don't even feel the need to observe daylight savings so we are in our own time zone if you look at the clock on the complex sign.

Most of the illegal activity happens outside the front gates. However enough illegal activity goes on in my complex that Domino's will NOT deliver at all and Pizza Hut will deliver until 7pm. No one, not even the cable company wants to come into this hood after dark.

I have heard at least 3 incidents involving gunfire, one was really freaky as I sat on the balcony and smoked, one, very loud shot...I figured they got their man.

There are no less than 8-10 corner boys working the corner selling drugs in the evening...not so much in the heat of the summer day, but once the sun goes down it is on. They have even approached company of mine to see if they needed anything when they stopped at the gas station to get a drink before coming into the complex. Oh and what seems to be the drug most frequently sold on the corner...crack. That gives us lots of crackheads roaming around and cluckers willing to do anything for a couple of dollars to get a fix.

There are at least 3 known hooker who also work the corner...scary thing...one of them is a crackhead that was put in my cell back in April when I got arrested for the last of the possession charges...WTF?!? I didn't expect to see a cell mate in the real world...that was just crazy!

We have 3-5 regular homeless people (men and women) who work the intersection around the highway...I keep thinking I should get their names so I can say HI and greet them by name when I pull up to the stoplight...I mean....they are basically neighbors, right?? LOL

So....with all of this insanity (did I mention the trap selling drugs in my building??), there is something so simply beautiful in this place that I doubt many people pay attention to. I was here about a week and was on the patio and noticed on the buildings across the way that there was green parrot drinking water. Now that seems odd, but here is what people really don't know...there is a damn FLOCK of these birds!!! It is something I feel so privileged to get to see, a flock of 6-10 green parrots flying in a CITY!!

Peace out my peeps.....try to find the beauty in the things around you.

Random thoughts on a Sunday night

So I just dropped the kid off at work (PITA loves her job...that is a good thing) and on the way I had sent ex-hubs one of the plate texts. He understands...I guess it is still part of that secret language we had when we were together and one of the goofy things we did. Anyway...he simply asked if I was ok.

I don't know how to tell him that I have been screaming inside again and want so bad to curl up and cry somewhere. I know it does no good...so I thought what the hell, I will post.

So here is what occurred to me earlier today...I have almost no friends. I think it happened while I was married. You spend so much time with your spouse and making a family and never doing things for yourself that if that relationship breaks up you are alone. Now we had lots of friends from jobs and things like that, but the funny thing about that for me, they were our "couple" friends. I don't think any of them knew how to handle the deep pain I was going through last year and they gave me time and pulled away. Lucky for him, he is dating someone who knows most of those people so I am sure she was able to slide right into the vacant spot I left without a lot of trouble. (Bitter, maybe just a little when it comes to that)

How does a single person make friends? I want to be able to pick up the phone and say "Hey, the kid is gone, want to catch a movie? dinner? shop? come hang?" You get the idea. But how does one do that? Most men, their goal isn't always to be friends and women are so hard to get to know...they just aren't trusting.

ok...and there is another thing. So this guy that I liked....ALOT more than I realized...just up and disappeared for months. Then out of the blue, once I am finally getting to a point where I am not thinking about him as much (yet he still pops into my mind unexpectedly), he sends a text. That was typical for us...but it said I didn't deserve him just disappearing, he had more going on in his life than he let on. Ok...and that means what. So I responded and per usual fashion...no response back. I don't know if that was him apologizing just because or his way of apologizing for not exiting better. Hell I don't know. I just know dating SUCKS.

There really isn't anything to share here, just needed to type a few things out...

Peace out my peeps....hope you are all having a great weekend and an even better start to the work week.