The journey....

I often tell people I have lived two lifetimes already.  Most laugh it off like I am exaggerating or making a joke myself, but I am not.  My life was never meant to be lived in sequential order like most people.  I think the fates decided to have some fun with my timeline.

Life number one:
I grew up like what I thought was most normal kids.  Parent divorced when I was 5.  Dad married the wicked step-monster and mom married her next disaster.  I got pregnant at 15.  Had PITA at 16.  Graduated high school a full year early and went off to college.  First week in college I met ex-hubs through a prank phone call (I made the call).  Life carried on in a normal fashion, I got a career, got married, bought a house and was living the "American Dream".  But I was unhappy and when ex-hubs left I enter purgatory.

Purgatory:
I feel like I kind of died when ex-hubs left.  I spent my time doing many destructive things.  I dropped off the radar and out of life for about a year and a half.  Purgatory was a dark time and place, but I learned many things about myself and what type of strength I have.

Life number two:
Once I got it in my mind that I was no longer going to punish and abuse myself, life number two started.  I believe that having PITA so young caused me to miss out on a lot of things I probably would have done as a late teen and early twenties woman.  With this start of life number two, I kind of started there.  I sowed some wild oats, had a great love affair with a younger man, adventures and funny stories that most people tell from when they were in high school and college (these adventures I had in my early 30s).  I spent the next 3 and half years learning so much about myself.  In this life I have learned to be in love with myself.  So many people are proud of me, but they have no idea how proud I am of myself.

These three stages in my life are so important and I want so bad to share the experiences with as many people as I can.  I found humor in the dark, good in the bad and myself when I thought all was lost.

Peace out my peeps....
This was just a rambling of thoughts today.

The question of WHY?

WHY is it that every day I am thinking of some way to screw with my neighbor’s security cameras? I think the fact that I know the cameras are there and that I am being recorded causes this little voice in my head to whisper that we should do something. More often than not this feeling strikes me when I am coming home from work and pull in. I don’t have a plan….some days I want to flash, flip off, throw things at, make faces at and many other stupid things when it comes to those security cameras.
WHY can’t I just do my job…..Lately I have been very burned out at work. I don’t want to go in. I feel like every day it is the same bullshit again. Today, I was informed that someone else completed a task of mine…UM NO YOU DID NOT. I followed protocol and sent the information to the right department to handle. The client just happens to call in today to CUSTOMER SERVICE AND you got the call because you are the MANAGER OF THAT FUCKING DEPARTMENT NOW. Why say I didn’t do my job, when CLEARLY in the notes you can see I did what I was supposed to do. Next, my job is to negotiate settlements for clients. NOT customer service, however I spend MOST of my day telling people how to respond to legal accounts or talking to law firms trying to keep the client out of the court house. When I am allowed to negotiate and JUST negotiate I do quite well. I am just at a point of WHY are we not doing the job we were hired for. When you have someone trying to work the jobs of 3 other departments PLUS their own job; it gets rather frustrating.
WHY do friendships have to change? I have a few friends that for whatever reason I feel the wind switching direction on our friendship. I think it has to do with me more than anything. I find I am feeling less and less trustworthy of people over time. I don’t know if it because I am getting to know them better or if with maturity I will have times of being cynical and pessimistic about people.
WHY can’t I fall head over heels in love like I did when I was younger? WHY is dating not the way I was told? I know my perception of love is colored by TV and movies and the craving for a soul mate, but WHY can’t it be like that? I don’t understand why we can’t meet someone, fall in love and be best friends until we die.
Peace out my peeps….I know all of this is random….sometimes random is all I have.

Open letter to ex-bff/frienemy

Dear ex-bff,

Since I refuse to have a heart felt conversation with you. I have decided I will fall back on an old school counseling technique. Only difference, this letter isn't being written on paper and I am not going to set it free by burning that. I believe getting it out Herr where others might find meaning in the lessons I have learner by letting a snake like you into my hen house.
Despite everything I believe my friendship with you really helped to open my eyes to some other snakes that have been around disguised as friends. So I guess there was a silver lining to being close with you.
First I want to thank you for helping get my foot in the door at work. Thank you for being there during my hard transition into living alone.
Now just the fact that you turned out to be such a damaged person that you would be deceptive with the people who you say you are closet makes me sad. You know you and I both had hard pasts, abuse in many ways. You cant even being to imagine he horrors I went -through in the last 4 years. Things I didn't feel the need to share with you. And looking back I am happy I didn't give you the darkest stuff. You don't deserve it.
I am sad watching you every day at work. Your happiness mask seems to have been broken and karma is catching up to your ass. I remember this woman who boasted how she was so independent and confident. You are a scared little girl who settled for a man who's life is quite together, you move in and in less than 3 mos you are engaged. Bitch you haven't even file the divorce papers for the marriage your currently in. Dude seriously you are damaged in a special kind of way.
I will say it has been sad watching karma catch up to you. Hardly anyone in that office speaks to you except for the guy your fucking who is an idiot and two employees from our former company. Now for the guy your engaged to fucking whatever....I.have decided you liked him enough to settle and you thought he might improve your image in the office. All it did was make you look like an idiot woman letting a man wit nothing move in with you and your three kids in less than six months and giving op the keys to your car and all. You just handed hour lil life over to someone you barely know. I want to tell you what a fucking dumbass you are however I don't care enough about you to say something.
As for the sad feeling, when I remember how you hurt me...makes it easier to watch karma beat the shit out of you.

Praying for you...
From the nicest person you could have tucked over.

Peace out my peeps....remember to watch your backs.

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2012

Wow...another year.
This last year has been amazing for me. I have done a lot of growing in the last year personally.
I have spent a year living in my own place. I have had the help and support of friends and family who have made it easier. I am proud to say I come home happy nearly everyday. I never thought I would enjoy the solitude of living alone but I think it has been the key factor in helping me grow so much.
I have gotten off all of my antidepressant medications and have maintained sanity without them :)!!! Again another amazing mountain climbed and I would say almost conquered.
This year I want to continue the positive motion in my life. I would like to take an art class and cooking class this year.
I want to work on some interests and hobbies this year. I need to get out of my home for more than work, probation, and counseling.
Another focus this year for me will be finding love. This is so year I want to meet quality men and hopefully stumble on a relationship. I read once to truly be on the market a woman should be going out on at least two dates a week. So that is the goal until maybe I meet a great guy and he becomes the one I see all the time :)
I have hope for 2012. I look forward to the blessings this year has to offer.
Peace out my peeps....and happy new year.

Time to let some shit out!

Look my counselor keeps telling me she wants me to journal.  I can't really journal pen to paper like I use to, when I put my pencil to paper I want to sketch.  So I have decided blogging will work just as well.  I know this is best and I bottle shit up, but fine....let's talk...or better yet let me talk.

PITA - you know I understand she is influenced/brain washed, whatever, but my OWN FUCKING daughter didn't say even fuck you to me on my birthday.  I have never done anything to that child to earn what I get back from her.  I loved her and sacrificed for her.  Yet it is as if none of that ever happened.  I apparently was just the vessel by which her greatness emerged.  I am hurt, but then honestly I don't think I expected different deep down.  I just always keep this tiny candle of hope burning that she will wake up and just have her show me she cares about me a little bit.

PITA2 - feel even more pissed about her than I do with PITA.

MCKINNEY - Had high hopes that the 3rd time would be a charm.  He took me to lunch we had great conversation, I enjoyed my time with him.  Then texts and nothing else.  I understand why he thinks I am side stepping his advances and it is simply because I don't know what to make of his courting technique.

I want to date someone in a traditional kind of way.  I want this ONE thing in my life to be traditional.  That may seem so unlike me, but I am a little old fashioned about falling in love and dating.  I deserve that in my life.  No one takes the time anymore or goes out of their way to show that another person means something to them.  Honestly a text telling me you want me sexually doesn't ring my bell.  But maybe a song that made you think of me.  It's like men can't see me for anything but sex.  I would rather be single that just someone's bedroom toy that is put on the shelf except at night when he wants to play.  I want a partner and a best friend.  I want a man who wants to sit and play board games with me late one night and talk to me about his childhood and growing up....but see I am not the aggressor.  I can tell a man what I want but if he doesn't take the reigns he will miss his chance with me, as is happening with the few men I have tried to date.

WORK - Thank you for letting me out of my cell today at thee but pay me for my full 8 hours. BUT this shit with my paycheck is pissing me off.  I swear it really has messed with me this week.  Anyway, there is more I just don't care enough to bitch about it.  I do my job, they are happy...'nough said.

CHRISTINE - I love you.  Happy Birthday.  I believe you are watching over me in your own way and I appreciate the blessings that come with that.  I hope you are at peace.  The girls are so beautiful and doing so well. I think about you often.  Even more this time of year because you worked so hard to make Christmas nearly perfect and I thank you for that.

Ok, enough of my rant.  Now on to what I really wanted to write about, but that gets its own post.

Perfectly Stated View on Love by Bob Marley

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life." 
— Bob Marley

Connecting....a human need....

Tonight I was watching the news. (I got "old" in the sense that I am a news addict now.)  The Byron Nelson was mentioned and I realized that it was natural to call ex-hubs when it occurred to me that it wasn't going to rain at the Nelson.  So I called him with this little thought, and of course he knows why....they moved the weekend of the Nelson.

So this got me to thinking about connections.  I call my ex-hubs with a lot of my stupid stuff or text him because I don't have to explain anything for him to get it.  The same thing with my best girlfriend, FunSized, and two of my sisters.  I have spent so much time talking to these people and years with them that they get me, I don't have to explain and they don't question me unless they know I am doing something stupid.  Now these people I mention, these are nothing more than friends, I love them all deeply, but they are friends.  Now I want to find a lover that can get me like these people do, who takes the time to get to know me like that and let me get to know them.

Examples, secret language...with EVERYONE I am close to, there are words or phrases that will get us laughing because there is an inside joke or meaning to it that only ya'll know.  See, I miss that stuff with the man in my life.  I want to be connected, deeply with someone.  I miss that so much.

Peace out my peeps...nurture the relationships that are important to you....if not you may find it fading away when you don't make the time to help it grow.

Mother's Day

‘Ole TG is at work, but my work phone is not working like it should. So I thought what the hell, I would get a blog together. I am not sure if I can post it while here, but I am writing it here LOL.

Mother’s Day is this weekend. I have avoided putting on FaceBook how I feel about this, but I need to get my feelings out somewhere.
In regards to my own mother, if you have read most of this blog, you will know that I do not have a good relationship with her. I don’t feel I have anyone I can honor in my life as a mother figure. With that in mind, I have that slight orphan feeling again.
In regards to me being a mom….given how PITA behaves, I doubt it will even be noticed. I mentioned it to her on Wednesday, which might get me a text or call. It hurts a lot to know I carried this child, loved her as mine and mine alone from the time I realized I was pregnant. I wasn’t perfect. I had her when I was nothing more than a baby myself, however I have been there for her the whole time. I am the one person who, even with all of the negative things she does, that stands behind her for support. I wonder many times if I should continue to do be the mom that loves unconditionally and puts up with the heartache she puts me through.
I really truly wish all those I know and love a Happy Mother’s Day!! Can someone tell me though, what about the people without moms or kids? What do those people do on Mother’s Day? I already bypassed Valentine’s Day and Easter this year.
Holidays are an issue for me since I am single. I look forward to a day when I have my own family again.

Peace out my peeps…..hope you have a great Friday and a wonderful Mother’s Day on Sunday!!!

A classic TG vent

For new readers....there are times when I have allowed a few things to eat at me and it is time for me to really just get out how I feel about them.  Now when I get to a venting stage, I can't really stick with one topic, because there are multiple topics bothering me.  Buckle up, these are usually fun :).

So PITA.....OMFG!!!!  Seriously, this will be the first time I have ever agreed with the many people in my life who have said this, but I agree PITA may be a sociopath.  Now I have looked this up in the past and dismissed certain traits because of her age, but I can't do that any longer.  So checked this out peeps, my 20 year old left a man who many of us (me more than any of the others) didn't really want in her life but could see he truly cared about her....she left this man to go back to a 40 year old cocaine dealer who beats the fucking shit out of her.  I have heard her telling the stories of bloody noses and bruises and injuries.  SHE WENT BACK TO THAT?!?!  And the man she left, he wants to create a home and a family with her and the baby she is pregnant with, he wants to take care of her....when I mentioned this to her last night she looked at me for a second like it might get to her and she then brushed it off.  I do not know what to do now that I accept the thought most people who know PITA think she is a sociopath.  Should I be scared of her?  I will say this, check this link PITA has every single quality on the list :(

Next.......hmmmmm....and I know he will read this....PS my new love, I do not care......McKinney.  We still have yet to figure out how to combine our schedules in a way that provides us with time to see each other.  I get very frustrated because my feelings start to grow very quickly for this man when I spend time with him.  I want to cuddle up next to him, but then don't know how he would feel about that, so I don't.  I kinda want to stay the night, but I am so afraid I won't sleep, and he will think I am a complete nerd.  He really doesn't know how spoiled I am with my own bed lol.  I sometimes don't know if he is really that in to me.  I feel like I am trying so hard on my side and getting no where.  And the funny thing is, as he is reading this, he is probably feeling the same way...but he won't tell me.  I want little texts letting me know he is thinking about me.  McKinney has NO IDEA how much will power it took to NOT text today.  I was frustrated, feeling hurt, angry about the situation with PITA.  Peeps...this is the cherry on the sundae, because of PITA being so damn flaky and not giving a damn about any one else's feelings, I didn't get to see McKinney this weekend.  If the trend keeps, that means the earliest I would see him would be Friday which would be TWO WEEKS!  Absolutely not fucking acceptable when two people are trying to build something more than a friends with benefits surface bullshit thing.  I am just saying!  So last night when I texted McKinney if I could come out after work today and never got a response, my feelings were hurt.  I didn't get to sleep 'til well after midnight last night because of PITA.  I had a long day at work.  But you know it would have been nice to look forward to seeing him, even with the weather and the traffic.

More than anything I could use a safe place to land.  I regret allowing my daughter's mess to once again mess with the flow of my life.  I know I am falling in love with McKinney.  These breaks have made it a slower process, but when I am with him I just feel good.  I miss him when I am away from him.  I am terrified of him thinking I am nuts if I really blew up his phone with the random things throughout the day I think of that I want to tell him, or just the times that I am sitting at my desk at work and I wonder if he is thinking of me like I am of him.  McKinney....if you read this.....I can't be anymore clear.  By they way...yes I feel much better.

Ok...peeps....the pressure has lifted.....Peace out my peeps....