In the Life of TexasGrey

The question of WHY?

2012-01-19T13:10:00.001-06:00

WHY is it that every day I am thinking of some way to screw with my neighbor’s security cameras? I think the fact that I know the cameras are there and that I am being recorded causes this little voice in my head to whisper that we should do something. More often than not this feeling strikes me when I am coming home from work and pull in. I don’t have a plan….some days I want to flash, flip off, throw things at, make faces at and many other stupid things when it comes to those security cameras.
WHY can’t I just do my job…..Lately I have been very burned out at work. I don’t want to go in. I feel like every day it is the same bullshit again. Today, I was informed that someone else completed a task of mine…UM NO YOU DID NOT. I followed protocol and sent the information to the right department to handle. The client just happens to call in today to CUSTOMER SERVICE AND you got the call because you are the MANAGER OF THAT FUCKING DEPARTMENT NOW. Why say I didn’t do my job, when CLEARLY in the notes you can see I did what I was supposed to do. Next, my job is to negotiate settlements for clients. NOT customer service, however I spend MOST of my day telling people how to respond to legal accounts or talking to law firms trying to keep the client out of the court house. When I am allowed to negotiate and JUST negotiate I do quite well. I am just at a point of WHY are we not doing the job we were hired for. When you have someone trying to work the jobs of 3 other departments PLUS their own job; it gets rather frustrating.
WHY do friendships have to change? I have a few friends that for whatever reason I feel the wind switching direction on our friendship. I think it has to do with me more than anything. I find I am feeling less and less trustworthy of people over time. I don’t know if it because I am getting to know them better or if with maturity I will have times of being cynical and pessimistic about people.
WHY can’t I fall head over heels in love like I did when I was younger? WHY is dating not the way I was told? I know my perception of love is colored by TV and movies and the craving for a soul mate, but WHY can’t it be like that? I don’t understand why we can’t meet someone, fall in love and be best friends until we die.
Peace out my peeps….I know all of this is random….sometimes random is all I have.

Open letter to ex-bff/frienemy

2012-01-07T12:29:00.000-06:00

Dear ex-bff,

Since I refuse to have a heart felt conversation with you. I have decided I will fall back on an old school counseling technique. Only difference, this letter isn't being written on paper and I am not going to set it free by burning that. I believe getting it out Herr where others might find meaning in the lessons I have learner by letting a snake like you into my hen house.
Despite everything I believe my friendship with you really helped to open my eyes to some other snakes that have been around disguised as friends. So I guess there was a silver lining to being close with you.
First I want to thank you for helping get my foot in the door at work. Thank you for being there during my hard transition into living alone.
Now just the fact that you turned out to be such a damaged person that you would be deceptive with the people who you say you are closet makes me sad. You know you and I both had hard pasts, abuse in many ways. You cant even being to imagine he horrors I went -through in the last 4 years. Things I didn't feel the need to share with you. And looking back I am happy I didn't give you the darkest stuff. You don't deserve it.
I am sad watching you every day at work. Your happiness mask seems to have been broken and karma is catching up to your ass. I remember this woman who boasted how she was so independent and confident. You are a scared little girl who settled for a man who's life is quite together, you move in and in less than 3 mos you are engaged. Bitch you haven't even file the divorce papers for the marriage your currently in. Dude seriously you are damaged in a special kind of way.
I will say it has been sad watching karma catch up to you. Hardly anyone in that office speaks to you except for the guy your fucking who is an idiot and two employees from our former company. Now for the guy your engaged to fucking whatever....I.have decided you liked him enough to settle and you thought he might improve your image in the office. All it did was make you look like an idiot woman letting a man wit nothing move in with you and your three kids in less than six months and giving op the keys to your car and all. You just handed hour lil life over to someone you barely know. I want to tell you what a fucking dumbass you are however I don't care enough about you to say something.
As for the sad feeling, when I remember how you hurt me...makes it easier to watch karma beat the shit out of you.

Praying for you...
From the nicest person you could have tucked over.

Peace out my peeps....remember to watch your backs.

Now on Twitter

2012-01-01T09:13:00.002-06:00

Follow @TexasGrey

2012

2012-01-01T08:51:00.000-06:00

Wow...another year.
This last year has been amazing for me. I have done a lot of growing in the last year personally.
I have spent a year living in my own place. I have had the help and support of friends and family who have made it easier. I am proud to say I come home happy nearly everyday. I never thought I would enjoy the solitude of living alone but I think it has been the key factor in helping me grow so much.
I have gotten off all of my antidepressant medications and have maintained sanity without them :)!!! Again another amazing mountain climbed and I would say almost conquered.
This year I want to continue the positive motion in my life. I would like to take an art class and cooking class this year.
I want to work on some interests and hobbies this year. I need to get out of my home for more than work, probation, and counseling.
Another focus this year for me will be finding love. This is so year I want to meet quality men and hopefully stumble on a relationship. I read once to truly be on the market a woman should be going out on at least two dates a week. So that is the goal until maybe I meet a great guy and he becomes the one I see all the time :)
I have hope for 2012. I look forward to the blessings this year has to offer.
Peace out my peeps....and happy new year.

Time to let some shit out!

2011-12-22T16:22:00.000-06:00

Look my counselor keeps telling me she wants me to journal. I can't really journal pen to paper like I use to, when I put my pencil to paper I want to sketch. So I have decided blogging will work just as well. I know this is best and I bottle shit up, but fine....let's talk...or better yet let me talk.

PITA - you know I understand she is influenced/brain washed, whatever, but my OWN FUCKING daughter didn't say even fuck you to me on my birthday. I have never done anything to that child to earn what I get back from her. I loved her and sacrificed for her. Yet it is as if none of that ever happened. I apparently was just the vessel by which her greatness emerged. I am hurt, but then honestly I don't think I expected different deep down. I just always keep this tiny candle of hope burning that she will wake up and just have her show me she cares about me a little bit.

PITA2 - feel even more pissed about her than I do with PITA.

MCKINNEY - Had high hopes that the 3rd time would be a charm. He took me to lunch we had great conversation, I enjoyed my time with him. Then texts and nothing else. I understand why he thinks I am side stepping his advances and it is simply because I don't know what to make of his courting technique.

I want to date someone in a traditional kind of way. I want this ONE thing in my life to be traditional. That may seem so unlike me, but I am a little old fashioned about falling in love and dating. I deserve that in my life. No one takes the time anymore or goes out of their way to show that another person means something to them. Honestly a text telling me you want me sexually doesn't ring my bell. But maybe a song that made you think of me. It's like men can't see me for anything but sex. I would rather be single that just someone's bedroom toy that is put on the shelf except at night when he wants to play. I want a partner and a best friend. I want a man who wants to sit and play board games with me late one night and talk to me about his childhood and growing up....but see I am not the aggressor. I can tell a man what I want but if he doesn't take the reigns he will miss his chance with me, as is happening with the few men I have tried to date.

WORK - Thank you for letting me out of my cell today at thee but pay me for my full 8 hours. BUT this shit with my paycheck is pissing me off. I swear it really has messed with me this week. Anyway, there is more I just don't care enough to bitch about it. I do my job, they are happy...'nough said.

CHRISTINE - I love you. Happy Birthday. I believe you are watching over me in your own way and I appreciate the blessings that come with that. I hope you are at peace. The girls are so beautiful and doing so well. I think about you often. Even more this time of year because you worked so hard to make Christmas nearly perfect and I thank you for that.

Ok, enough of my rant. Now on to what I really wanted to write about, but that gets its own post.

Perfectly Stated View on Love by Bob Marley

2011-06-16T19:20:00.000-05:00

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."
— Bob Marley

Connecting....a human need....

2011-05-27T19:13:00.000-05:00

Tonight I was watching the news. (I got "old" in the sense that I am a news addict now.) The Byron Nelson was mentioned and I realized that it was natural to call ex-hubs when it occurred to me that it wasn't going to rain at the Nelson. So I called him with this little thought, and of course he knows why....they moved the weekend of the Nelson.

So this got me to thinking about connections. I call my ex-hubs with a lot of my stupid stuff or text him because I don't have to explain anything for him to get it. The same thing with my best girlfriend, FunSized, and two of my sisters. I have spent so much time talking to these people and years with them that they get me, I don't have to explain and they don't question me unless they know I am doing something stupid. Now these people I mention, these are nothing more than friends, I love them all deeply, but they are friends. Now I want to find a lover that can get me like these people do, who takes the time to get to know me like that and let me get to know them.

Examples, secret language...with EVERYONE I am close to, there are words or phrases that will get us laughing because there is an inside joke or meaning to it that only ya'll know. See, I miss that stuff with the man in my life. I want to be connected, deeply with someone. I miss that so much.

Peace out my peeps...nurture the relationships that are important to you....if not you may find it fading away when you don't make the time to help it grow.

Mother's Day

2011-05-06T12:30:00.000-05:00

‘Ole TG is at work, but my work phone is not working like it should. So I thought what the hell, I would get a blog together. I am not sure if I can post it while here, but I am writing it here LOL.

Mother’s Day is this weekend. I have avoided putting on FaceBook how I feel about this, but I need to get my feelings out somewhere.
In regards to my own mother, if you have read most of this blog, you will know that I do not have a good relationship with her. I don’t feel I have anyone I can honor in my life as a mother figure. With that in mind, I have that slight orphan feeling again.
In regards to me being a mom….given how PITA behaves, I doubt it will even be noticed. I mentioned it to her on Wednesday, which might get me a text or call. It hurts a lot to know I carried this child, loved her as mine and mine alone from the time I realized I was pregnant. I wasn’t perfect. I had her when I was nothing more than a baby myself, however I have been there for her the whole time. I am the one person who, even with all of the negative things she does, that stands behind her for support. I wonder many times if I should continue to do be the mom that loves unconditionally and puts up with the heartache she puts me through.
I really truly wish all those I know and love a Happy Mother’s Day!! Can someone tell me though, what about the people without moms or kids? What do those people do on Mother’s Day? I already bypassed Valentine’s Day and Easter this year.
Holidays are an issue for me since I am single. I look forward to a day when I have my own family again.

Peace out my peeps…..hope you have a great Friday and a wonderful Mother’s Day on Sunday!!!

A classic TG vent

2011-05-02T19:03:00.000-05:00

For new readers....there are times when I have allowed a few things to eat at me and it is time for me to really just get out how I feel about them. Now when I get to a venting stage, I can't really stick with one topic, because there are multiple topics bothering me. Buckle up, these are usually fun :).

So PITA.....OMFG!!!! Seriously, this will be the first time I have ever agreed with the many people in my life who have said this, but I agree PITA may be a sociopath. Now I have looked this up in the past and dismissed certain traits because of her age, but I can't do that any longer. So checked this out peeps, my 20 year old left a man who many of us (me more than any of the others) didn't really want in her life but could see he truly cared about her....she left this man to go back to a 40 year old cocaine dealer who beats the fucking shit out of her. I have heard her telling the stories of bloody noses and bruises and injuries. SHE WENT BACK TO THAT?!?! And the man she left, he wants to create a home and a family with her and the baby she is pregnant with, he wants to take care of her....when I mentioned this to her last night she looked at me for a second like it might get to her and she then brushed it off. I do not know what to do now that I accept the thought most people who know PITA think she is a sociopath. Should I be scared of her? I will say this, check this link PITA has every single quality on the list :(

Next.......hmmmmm....and I know he will read this....PS my new love, I do not care......McKinney. We still have yet to figure out how to combine our schedules in a way that provides us with time to see each other. I get very frustrated because my feelings start to grow very quickly for this man when I spend time with him. I want to cuddle up next to him, but then don't know how he would feel about that, so I don't. I kinda want to stay the night, but I am so afraid I won't sleep, and he will think I am a complete nerd. He really doesn't know how spoiled I am with my own bed lol. I sometimes don't know if he is really that in to me. I feel like I am trying so hard on my side and getting no where. And the funny thing is, as he is reading this, he is probably feeling the same way...but he won't tell me. I want little texts letting me know he is thinking about me. McKinney has NO IDEA how much will power it took to NOT text today. I was frustrated, feeling hurt, angry about the situation with PITA. Peeps...this is the cherry on the sundae, because of PITA being so damn flaky and not giving a damn about any one else's feelings, I didn't get to see McKinney this weekend. If the trend keeps, that means the earliest I would see him would be Friday which would be TWO WEEKS! Absolutely not fucking acceptable when two people are trying to build something more than a friends with benefits surface bullshit thing. I am just saying! So last night when I texted McKinney if I could come out after work today and never got a response, my feelings were hurt. I didn't get to sleep 'til well after midnight last night because of PITA. I had a long day at work. But you know it would have been nice to look forward to seeing him, even with the weather and the traffic.

More than anything I could use a safe place to land. I regret allowing my daughter's mess to once again mess with the flow of my life. I know I am falling in love with McKinney. These breaks have made it a slower process, but when I am with him I just feel good. I miss him when I am away from him. I am terrified of him thinking I am nuts if I really blew up his phone with the random things throughout the day I think of that I want to tell him, or just the times that I am sitting at my desk at work and I wonder if he is thinking of me like I am of him. McKinney....if you read this.....I can't be anymore clear. By they way...yes I feel much better.

Ok...peeps....the pressure has lifted.....Peace out my peeps....

It was bound to happen

2011-03-20T06:09:00.000-05:00

Insomnia. However that isn't what it really is.

'Ole TG was placed on probation in 2008 stemming from stupidity. I received 5 years. I had to submit to an evaluation at the beginning of this process to see how smart I was and if I was crazy. As usual, genius and crazy. Anyway, they put me on a "special" caseload for probation. This was actually a blessing in disguise because my PO is AMAZING. I was required to do a few things since they determined I was "crazy" or "special" or whatever term you want to use; I refuse the be politically correct. I had to see a psychiatrist and it was determined that I am bipolar.....joy joy. I was given prescriptions, we played with them until the mixture didn't put me in a coma. Most of the time I am pretty even....no real major highs and no real major lows....same shit different day. However, I saw this roller coaster ride coming a week ago and there wasn't a damn thing I could do.

The issue isn't bad it is just annoying. I am currently in a manic state (actually it isn't as hardcore). For those of you that don't understand this lovely little disorder, let me give you a definition of mania:

Mania is the signature characteristic of bipolar disorder and, depending on its severity, is how the disorder is classified. Mania is generally characterized by a distinct period of an elevated mood, which can take the form of euphoria. People commonly experience an increase in energy and a decreased need for sleep, with many often getting as little as 3 or 4 hours of sleep per night, while others can go days without sleeping. Attention span is low, and a person in a manic state may be easily distracted. Judgment may become impaired, and sufferers may go on spending sprees or engage in behavior that is quite abnormal for them. They may indulge in substance abuse, particularly alcohol or other depressants, cocaine or other stimulants, or sleeping pills. source

I was not in this deep until the last 24 hours. Fortunately I know or understand where I am and how to keep it under some sense of control. I will need to find ways to entertain myself. Anyway, this ride began when I slept for 3 days. I knew something was wrong, but had no idea what was up, just figured I was tired. Hell, no one was blowing up my phone, no one came to visit, nothing to watch on TV and even the net became boring.....so I slept. Right before this hibernation state I went through a milder mania doctors consider hypomania. Let me tell you, I see no difference, but doctors claim in full blown, hardcore mania a person cannot be productive.

I consider myself to be very productive. In the hour and a half that I have written this blog, I have posted on FaceBook, cleaned the kitchen, made coffee, finished some laundry that was in the dryer, looked up something to watch on TV (not happening EVERYTHING right now is paid programming), looked for pictures, found my nail files so I can do my nails next while watching a movie...I think that is all :)

Now to go look up some movie to watch. I think I will download The Roommate.

Peace out my peeps.....have a blessed Sunday.

PITA PITA PITA....sigh

2011-03-18T00:44:00.000-05:00

I got a call from an unknown local phone number today. I was on the phone with my BFF, still haven't decided if she is going to be called fun-sized or something else LOL, anyway, I click over and it is my PITA. I haven't talked to PITA in 6 weeks and on Valentine's day she ripped out my heart. She wanted P2's phone number....I asked if she would talk to me for a few minutes. She told me she would if I wanted to.

Conversation went well. Learned quite a few things. She nearly was caught with enough drugs to put her in prison for years and a nasty felony, thanks to the person who is suppose to be responsible for that shit not keeping up with his stuff. Found out he is beating her regularly. I am not sure how to feel. I know there is nothing I can do. She has to want to leave, but the mom in me wants to go kick that man's ass and take my daughter. She told me she is scared.

Then while I was at P2's house, I get a call from PITA...she said she is coming home and she is done. I got my hopes up some. Then about 2 hours later the next call, she sounded tense and like she was trying to just get through it and done. She told me she wasn't coming home and that they were talking and she would talk to me later.

P2 and I are doing well, playing along and plotting. We keep our stories matched up and use P2 as the less threatening one for PITA to talk to with his permission.

I did some research tonight while working on this blog and found a couple of places in the DFW area. If you know someone who needs help or if you need it, please look for it. It is not ok to be hit. I nearly had a man choke me to death in front of PITA three years ago. Fortunately for me he released his hold on my neck when he noticed my face turning purple and I had stopped cussing him. Nothing is worth possibly losing your life or that of one you love through silence. My hands are tied because I don't know where PITA is right now or I would get help to her. Please say a little prayer for my PITA.

Peace out my peeps....look out for those you love.

Religion...

2011-03-10T10:55:00.008-06:00

***These views may not be your own, but I encourage all to research on their own. Read and educate yourself, don't just believe blindly.***

Every few years something will spark a religious search of sorts in my life, ex-hubs would be the best person to confirm this. Anyway, I watched a video on YouTube that started this. If you are interested:

Now I watched part1 and 2. It made me think about religion again and the many spiritual journeys I have embarked on to understand God and religion. I believe there is a difference between God and religion. Long before I saw David Icke's information, I believed religion is used for control. I believe the human race is trained to believe what they are told and accept it. There are people out there in the world who go against the "norm" and think for themselves, and I think the "powers in charge" feed us information in such a way to paint these free thinkers as dangerous, crazy, trouble, and not to be trusted.

I feel I am a free thinker in many ways (do not get me wrong, I will fall into societal norms to avoid major conflict if needed). God and religion is a topic in which my brain has no limits. I don't place limits on my beliefs or how I choose to seek out God and be close to him. Most of my adult life I have thought it is possible that all world religions are worshiping the same God, only by different names and ways that fit that culture. I think mankind changed and altered religion to control citizens. In many ways religion is still used this way today.

My beliefs....and it is funny, they really haven't changed much in my adult life.....

I believe in the Christian God and Trinity because that is what is most familar to me, however I think the scope of who and what God is and how God looks is beyond anything our brains can process, at least in our earthly form. I read a book The Shack by William P Young that gave me the BEST way to look at God. It is worth a read, believe me.

I find that I identify with Eastern philosophies towards worship (notice I didn't say religion). I have been reading about the worship practices of Hinduism because I am often drawn to information about it. I read this the other night:

Sanskrit: एकम् सत् विप्रा: बहुधा वदन्ति
Transliteration: Ekam Sat Vipr¨¡ha Bahudh¨¡ Vadanti
English: "Truth is One, though the Sages know it as Many."
-- The Rig Veda (Book I, Hymn CLXIV, Verse 46)
Essentially, any kind of spiritual practice followed with faith, love and persistence will lead to the same ultimate state of self-realization. Thus, Hindu thought distinguishes itself by strongly encouraging tolerance for different beliefs since temporal systems cannot claim sole understanding of the one transcendental Truth. source

This really reached out to me, since I feel drawn to Hinduism. So I am currently reading more about it. I had thought about getting the OM symbol tattooed on the back of my neck about 4 years ago and thought of it many times since. Never really thought about its connection to Hinduism until I started researching. ( Random thought: I may get it as my next tat instead of my sparrow.)

I separate from Christianity in one way, but I believe it is our form of purgatory, so I guess it isn't that far. I believe in reincarnation. People look at me funny with that statement. I will explain. I believe we take an earthly form many times to learn certain lessons to bring us closer to God. I don't believe really in past life regression in hypnosis. What I think is these lessons are learned deep in our souls. Have you ever met someone so young yet they were so wise? I believe they are a soul that has been around a couple of times. Or those people that never seem to learn their lesson in life and we all shake our head at them or we just can't help but say "bless your heart" (also knowns as the southern "You dumbass").....I think those are young souls still learning. I think many of us have a soul in between these extremes. I think many of us find our understanding with God early on in reincarnation and move on to the next life cycle of the soul.

I just wanted to put some thoughts out there. Feel free to leave comments if you happen to stop by and this post catches your attention.

Peace out my peeps.....May you find solace and peace in your search and understanding of God and what God means to you.

The Om symbol: This symbol has provided me with a peaceful feeling for many years. I have it shown here in what may end up the way I will get it tattooed. I love the Celtic touch.

McKinney...he gets his own post

2011-03-09T22:18:00.007-06:00

***Warning...sappy, lovey-dovey, girly post follows***

This post was requested through facebook after I asked which to post about....Religion or the new guy. New Guy won LOL

What this is going to probably end up being are a lot of random thoughts about him....I can't seem to keep a cohesive thought when I think about him. I get jumbled up and ramble lol

So it has been a little over a month since I got back in touch with McKinney. Things are going very well. Every time I send him a text I grin like a little school girl. If we are texting a lot my cheeks will hurt :)

He seems to accept my quirkiness. I swear the key is just to try to laugh through life with me. It isn't so hard. Besides, if someone will hear me out, it might amaze them the things I know to back up whatever eccentric idea I have.

I love his touch, there is tenderness in his touch that touches my heart.

I have found myself a few times close to saying words I don't just throw around. But I still stop myself. Afraid it is too soon. But I do care about him a lot. I don't know how to express that to him. I love that he holds my hand while we are watching TV or talking. I wish I knew how to tell him how he is making me feel and it is awesome. The good feelings are slowly growing stronger.

He is one of my last thoughts at night. I wonder if my late night texts bother him lol. I want to talk to him, but he works a non-traditional shift. He has usually been in bed a few hours when I am dragging myself to my bed finally for the night. But I think of things and just have to tell him so I send a text and I try to always remember to tell him good morning, since I know he gets them when he wakes up. I like when he sends me one every now and then, it is special to wake up and see a good morning from him waiting for me.

I randomly want to call or text him, not because I have something to tell him, but just to say hi. I don't because that might seem needy and it isn't that, it is just that I think of him. Men I have attempted to have relationships with (Army excluded), I haven't thought of them during the day. I wasn't considerate to their feelings or wishes all the time because it was lust and not budding feelings.

I guess that is what is happening...a budding relationship....there is this nice pace to things, nothing feels rushed, but I could see potential for us. I hope he sees the same thing. I believe he does or else he wouldn't be around. I can't wait to see what blooms from this. I am so thankful for the things I have been through over the last few years so I would be ready for a man like him. I am glad he told me no when we first met and I wanted something more. I would have messed it up I am sure.

Peace out my peeps....have sweet dreams, I am off for bed myself.

Random Thoughts on Sex in Society

2011-02-22T17:15:00.010-06:00

This post will be a little more adult than most and I will admit somethings I am even a little ashamed to admit. That is the part I don't understand, being ashamed. I am comfortable in my sexuality and what I like. So why is our society so quick to condemn in public what the majority of us are doing behind closed doors? That is what I was thinking about when I was watching porn last night.

I had seen a little bit of porn before I met ex-hubs, and he allowed me to examine my curiosity of it. However, I never wanted him to know when I watched it without him. I would literally rewind the VHS tape back to the spot it was on when I started the video. I didn't want to feel shame over watching it even though I was an adult woman. DVDs made my life easier. Now it doesn't seem to be the "norm" for a woman to watch porn or to even enjoy it, but I do. So, sue me. I watch porn everyday lately (possibly from boredom)....that is hard to admit, but true. I admit to downloading lots of different porn, to watching it on my phone and to having it on my iPod. I have made DVDs of my favorite downloads and have even shopped for it in a sex shop. The access to porn is so easy, people can find it through a simple image search on Google. Even talking to friends of mine they have admitted to just surfing and clicking though a porn site's videos when bored or even surfing through pictures on their phones.

Many of us (with or without a lover), have taken nude pictures, sexy pictures and even videos and shared those pictures and videos. Delving into amateur porn of sorts. Each time I take a nude pic of myself for someone or a video as a naughty lil surprise for a lover, I find myself feeling a little shame about it.

I still don't understand why our society doesn't embrace sex the way other cultures have. I see nothing wrong with legalizing prostitution, strip clubs or access to porn for adults. I don't believe in a hedonistic society where pleasure is the central role. However, I do believe there are more freaks than prudes in the United States.

I am not sure if I am done with this, but as the title stated....random thoughts

Peace out my peeps....remember to fly your freak flag proudly!

Addicted to FaceBook

2011-02-21T19:11:00.003-06:00

Last time I was without work for a long time I got into the MySpace game Mobsters and chatted a lot to eat away the days.

My FaceBook addiction was about the same. My sister introduced me to Farmville and so I got into FaceBook. Then I found something else even better....People I knew were constantly updating this thing. Once I found I could get on through my phone, it was over. I think I refresh my FaceBook about 50-75 times a day.

Now here are some issues....

On my smart phone when I go to the internet. Ninety percent of the time I click FaceBook even if I wanted Google instead.
I find myself a little bit annoyed that people get quiet at times because I am bored and want entertainment. This is very difficult to admit.
I have to stop myself from posting the most random stuff because I am bored and want to stir up conversation.
I usually check FaceBook before I get out of bed in the morning.

I have no idea how I have allowed this thing to become so ingrained in my life. I am not giving it up, but an observation I had today. I wonder how more people are impacted by these social networks in which we all share the mundane to the crazy hourly. I have been in the car and read something on FaceBook and called a friend trying to find out what was going on. When they asked where I read it..."FaceBook".

This exact thing happened the other day with City and P2. City was browsing FaceBook while we were driving somewhere and hollers out that one of his homeboys is single. P2 wanted to know who and all of that info was shared. Then City had to call another homeboy to discuss the latest breaking news on FaceBook. Now two things come to mind, one we get a lot of our latest news from our friends and family through social networking and two men gossip like women, but that I can discuss later.

A personal story of my own. I had posted some major news on FaceBook. My sister calls me to harass me about telling the world before calling to tell her. I make sure to tell her any major changes that will be announced momentarily on FaceBook from now on to avoid another conversation like that one.

Peace out my Peeps....hope you had a beautiful Monday.

Beauty in the Hood part 2

2011-02-20T10:43:00.003-06:00

Ok, so not exactly part 2 of this hood, but here is the thing...I feel you have to find beauty in everything. When I lived in The Chase, I heard gun shots, had 2 high profile murders, one on the news and one on First 48.

If you want to know part one you can read it here: Beauty in the Hood part 1

Now last night was kind of busy in my new Hood. First there were some gun shots. Two loud ones. Then around midnight a chick and her man got into it. Fuck this, Fuck that, Go fuck your hoes then, Nigga I hope the cops lock you up, I don't hit bitches but I am about to kick your mother fuckin ass hoe.....yeah that about sums it up LOL.

Things finally get quiet after that and I posted on FaceBook what had happened. After a few responses it occurred to me that I hadn't found anything beautiful in this hood. So this morning, I go out on my patio. The morning air is cool, but not cold; it feels wonderful. Sipping coffee and exercising my lung. Then I hear it, someone is playing a violin in the apartments. At first they are turning it some, then I hear them play. It isn't perfect, but is pretty and I realized right then that God blessed me. He wanted to give me something beautiful to focus on, like the parrots.

Peace out my peeps, remember to look for the beauty in the people and places around you.

Up, wide awake, no one to talk to...sooo...

2011-02-18T00:01:00.002-06:00

I figured why not blog a few more things out :)

First off, my counselor will be very happy to know I have this back. She likes knowing I have an outlet LOL.

Overall, I have to say I love my life right now. I need to find a job soon, not just for income, but because I need to get the hell out of this apartment, UGH!!! Don't get me wrong, the forced vacation has been nice. But honestly, my life is pretty good right now.

So someone I have known for a while is back in my life and in a much more satisfying way for me. I may stick to my original nickname for him, McKinney. So after army pulled his dumbass move, and this guy in Sherman turned out to be a huge douche, I contacted McKinney. Now a little background here. A friend of McKinney's introduced us a little over 2 years ago, maybe close to three. Now this man met me after my arrest, but before I was put on probation. My life was a mess, I was a mess, but I really started to like him. Develop feelings for him. So I had to ask the question of where was this thing we were doing was going. He told me back then that he didn't see me that way and that we had a good thing going and lets not change it. I wanted more back then...but lets be honest, I wasn't ready. I needed to get my life back on track before I was ready to be committed to anyone.

So anyway....there was some miscommunication between McKinney and I. He knows I want to find a long term thing that may lead to marriage at some point. I am not rushing anything like that, but it is my desire to have a relationship with my best friend. Someone who can laugh with me, be strong for me when I am hurting, and who is my partner in life.

Once he and I worked out the miscommunication, it seems I have agreed (and happily I might add) to just see him. I have to say I was worried if he was serious, until he came over and hugged me. There was something in that hug that let me know he was serious about me being his and that I was special to him.

I am taking things slow, but it is possible I could fall for this man. I like him. I feel like we click and I really enjoy the time I get with him. I look forward to seeing how this develops and grows.

City and P2 are well, we have spent several afternoons chilling at my place over my forced vacation. P2 is almost 6 mos preggers now. It is so hard to believe.

Speaking on that....Pita is pregnant again, but as stated earlier, she wants me to leave her alone. Ex-hubs wants me to save her text message and refer back to it when she asks me for help next time. My counselor asked me why I keep giving her chances when she consistently lets me down. All I know is I keep hoping each time it will be different. One day it will be, I just hope I still have it in me to be there for her. I am sure I will, but she really hurt me this time.

Peace out my peeps...it feels so good to be me again.

Been waiting to have internet back....

2011-02-17T15:44:00.002-06:00

I have a lot to say and I will try to break it into multiple posts. There are updates on Princess Pita, Army, City and P2. And someone new to talk about...ugh and I just gave him the address to this blog, but I am not going to change my honesty :)

Hell where to start.... probably Army. So he had a Christmas break, he came home on the 18th of December and I picked him up at the airport. Tons of texts and conversations gave no suspicion that things were different. He was still telling me how much he loved me and how he couldn't wait to see me.

We spend a great day together. I forgot how much I missed sex until that day. We spent the whole day together, my heart bursting with happiness at getting to see him. We went to my office Christmas party. He was very affectionate with me in public, everything seemed great. I drive him home to surprise his family.

Then it starts, going a couple of days with no texts or anything. He speaks to me a little on Christmas Day, then nothing. I call him on January 3rd to see what was going on and all he tells me is he can't talk to me anymore. No explanation, nothing.

I guess about a week later P2 is at the Casa and is told that Army got married on Dec 29th. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. FUCKER couldn't tell me??? Like seriously, I am not a fucking kid, I could have handled the news. I was so worried about moving on because he had been the first guy to treat me with respect and just love me for me, not for something I was giving him. He never asked for money or anything like that. I remember the night by the lake when he talked about marrying me. Funny how easily someone can lie to you. One thing he gave me was complete closure. I was happy to be able to have a definite end. He is a coward for not telling me. I have little respect for him because of it now.

Pita....UN-FREAKING-BELIEVABLE!!!! This child has all but lost her damn mind. So she turned 20 on January 20th, I picked her up, she was having a rough day, asshole made her go to work on her birthday. I mean, really? She can't take a day off of the pole on her birthday?

Anyway, I went to the club and kidnapped her, well not really, she is mine in the first damn place. And asshole calls, he and I get into a fight, Pita gets hysterical, ugh so he calls again and I let her talk to him. Then he and I get on the phone again screaming. I just know this man is so bad for my daughter. I have no power to get her out because she is an adult. Anyway that weekend she went with the thug (yes aka my original thug) to Austin, she gets home Sunday night and she says she is leaving asshole. She has a plan, I tell her she can stay at my place for a little while until she can get her own place. Everything is good. I go to bed around midnight. At 3:30am Pita is kissing me on the cheek and telling me she is going back to asshole. FUCK!!! I swear I NEVER DROPPED HER ON HER HEAD!!! She just, ugh, I don't know what to say.

So she calls me the next week and tells me she is mad at P2. I don't understand why. P2 and I just speak real shit to Pita and it pisses her off. So she is talking about the threat of going to jail and losing the baby if asshole gets caught up. I told her if she wasn't prepared to suffer the consequences of her risky lifestyle then maybe she shouldn't live a risky lifestyle.

I guess that pissed Pita off, she told me on Valentine's that she loves me, but all I have ever done is bring her into this world, nothing else and I need to leave her alone. She will decide when she talks to me again..."it may be a year, it may be never".....her words. It absolutely broke my heart. But if that is how she wants it, she can have it that way. I have no control.

More to come.....Peace out my peeps.

Doesn't even seem real

2010-11-22T22:04:00.002-06:00

Tonight I took a major step in this finally getting my life back together thing I have been on lately.

I had a good day at work. Closed a couple of pretty great deals. SO wish I could find more, but I am getting the hang of this debt settlement thing. I believe I will do well with my commissions.

After work I went to look at a condo that was for rent. I was honest with the man about my background. Now I have to admit, he looks a lil like a slumlord, but I am going to give him the benefit of doubt and hope I am wrong. Anyway...I decided after I looked around that I wanted it. I put down the deposit and he even gave me the key. Now I need to make calls about electric, internet and DirecTV. Sigh....I am scared to death. I will talk to my counselor about that tomorrow.

It is odd to realize that by the time I move into this place I will have spent 36 years of my life living with another human being in the house. This will be my first time to ever live alone. I am scared of that thought, yet I am excited too. I can have company if I want, when I want. I have to learn to cook for one. I will have my kitty, unfortunately this didn't happen fast enough for his brother to join us, but he will be with Sam and I in spirit.

I am going to try to get some sleep.

Peace out my peeps...may you have blessings shower over you, as they have for me.

Seriously?!?! LOL

2010-11-17T20:03:00.002-06:00

Princess PITA decided to go out on her own in February after she burned every bridge to those who were trying like hell to help her. She moved in with an ex of mine...the Thug. So she has been stripping to make money.

SHE GOT FIRED FROM THE STRIP CLUB!!!!

OMG....like I really can't even imagine how someone swings that. I know what she did, it wasn't illegal or anything like that, but she was showing up and not working. Because she was busy juggling two guys at once LOL. Dear dear PITA will you ever learn?

I know there are other things I want to write about, just not feeling up to it tonight.

Peace out to any peeps that stop by :)

SO I was thinking....

2010-11-11T20:29:00.003-06:00

I had so many thoughts run through my head tonight while I was outside exercising my lung and enjoying the wet evening air.

First off...that little blog post I put up last night reminded me how good it feels to just let loose and hell maybe even someone will read it and might have something to say or gain from what I write, even thought what I write about are my random thoughts and experiences.

So first off, it is nice to know that what I can't put on Facebook I can blow the hell up with it on her.

Last night I got my ass handed to me by my daughter Princess PITA (for those that don't know PITA=Pain In The Ass) and her best friend of almost ten years. Now her best friend and I have gotten so close that I see her as a second daughter. She is preggers. We will call her.....hmmmm.....PITA2. PITA2 is dating a wonderful young gentleman named City. Now City is like a brother to me. Nothing I wouldn't do for him SuWoop!!! So those are the main characters for last night's drama called as the stomach churns.

I went by to see City after I got off work to chill for a bit, tell him about my killer day at work and see how things are going. Anyway he gets a call from PITA2, she is tripping balls. Tells him I better not be there and she better not see my car or she is going to go stay with her dad. City feels horrible. I have no issues with getting my stuff and going, I am just lost as to what was going on. He asked me not to hold this against him.

Then I see two passive aggressive freaking posts on Facebook LOL...THANK GOD we didn't have Facebook when I was in high school...anyway, one message is on her main wall and it is directed right at me, but the coward wouldn't say it directly to me, then she posts a message on Princess PITAs Facebook, which comes up in my News feed. Oh holy hell, for me to be in my mid 30s and to know the drama I experienced last night like I was freaking 16....I almost have to laugh my fucking ass off.

So I sent PITA2 a text message. Told her to come real to the one she is really pissed at. So then she calls, pissed cause I hadn't answered her texts, never got them, ran upgrades on my phone and finally started getting texts again....So she yells at me, because we had K2 (yeah, if you have an opinion, it is fine, but whatever). Yet this chick smokes weed EVERY day (and did you remember I mentioned...preggers). She whines and yells that he isn't allowed to have anything she can't. UNREAL...I hurt for my bro City....I know he loves her and I support them being able to stay together, but at some point he is going to snap.

Then I get a text from Princess PITA....wait you need the back story first.....so 2 years ago my daughter start screwing my ex, the Thug who got me deep into the drug scene, and had me smoking so much weed, the only time I would be sober was when I was at work, because that was the only place I was happy. God I hated having to go home at night that last year. Anyway....another time I can spew that mess. So she has been living with him, for about 8 mos, she paid all his bills by stripping. She finally decided to leave him and hook up with this man who is 4 years older than me (20 year age difference, I can't say anything...long story I will tell another time). Anyway she went back to my ex the Thug this last weekend. So the guy she was just dumped is a hopeless flirt. But nothing more. Yes he flirted with me, and in some ways found myself attracted to him, but I NEVER crossed the line of talking. So we were talking about maybe seeing what's up....this didn't happen until after PITA left him. PITA now says I am a bitch and other pretty nasty things to me because I dared talk to the guy. UGH.

At least I have Army to help keep me sane.....now he is the one I need to talk about at some point.

Peace out my Peeps....if you stopped by tonight and read...thanks, if no one ever reads these...all can say is it feels great to just throw the shit out there and not keep it bottled up

Just needed to vent

2010-11-10T21:23:00.002-06:00

It has been ages since I have been in here, but needed to vent somewhere so here I am. I am too lazy to handwrite it into my journal.

It amazes me how some people can be....one minute, they are on your side, the next they are stabbing you in the back. I have to learn that people who are younger than me are unstable and difficult to deal with.

I don't feel I have done anything wrong, however, once again I am the villain. I am so tired of being the punching bag for others. My counselor keeps asking me why it is ok for others to treat me awful and I keep turning the other cheek. You know, it isn't ok, and I don't think I should allow it to happen anymore. I love these people with all my heart, feel that they are family. I realize now I am only good when I can come with something those around me want. UGH!!! I know I am not perfect. But I never mean harm.

Growing up...

2009-04-16T23:54:00.002-05:00

Nope, won't ever do it fully, but the more time I spend apart from my ex, the more I find myself. I miss him, he was and still is a very good man, who has tried hard to help me no matter what. I will always be thankful for the time we had as a couple and the friendship we have created even through divorce and him getting remarried.

I have learned so many things in this journey. No one will ever be able to understand how far I have come, unless they were there to see me go from normal, to insane, and now back on the other side....to well, I guess me. I once thought that it would all be easier if I just quietly went off and died, now I realize what a coward I was to go through the pain that I needed to go through. I punished myself far more than anyone else could have for the wrongs I have done to people in my life. I was never a "bad" person, never really did anything to harm another intentionally. But there were some wrongs I did, that I had to a pay a price for. And in many ways, I am still punishing myself. Just now it isn't drugs or staying locked up in my house refusing to be apart of the world.

I sometimes wish i had blogged more through this all, then maybe one day I could go back, read over it and see where I was and how far I have come. I know things were so dark once that I felt like I was blind, now I just have times where I put blinders on, just so I can punish myself a little more.

There are days when I would give anything to go back and change some of my decisions and then I think about how far I have come, where I am at today and I don't think I want to give that up. I am becoming more proud of myself over time. And one day I will be a woman that I can say I am proud I have become. Strong, independent, capable of handling any situation with class and dignity and not allow my IQ to be decreased by becoming so mad that I can't think straight and keep a clear level head about what is happening or what needs to happen. (Sgt BB, thank you for reminding me that there is actual scientific proof of how our IQ drops when we get angry).

I even think one day I will find a man who will bring me up, who will compliment me in every area of my life and who will stand strong beside me and be proud to call me his. I am not sure when that day will come or if I even trust myself to not fuck it up. I just know that one day, I will be blessed with that man when he enters my life and I pray that I will see him for what he is and be the woman he needs.

Peace out my peeps, I know no one really checks this blog anymore, and maybe that is a good thing, but if you do stop by, feel free to say hi.

Letting Go

2008-12-26T01:25:00.002-06:00

So yesterday, the climax of months of mean hateful treatment (not constant) by my daughter happened. I finally kicked her free-loading bf's ass to the curb. He was coming down off drugs (according to the kid) and I came at him "wrong" and the fight the broke out is one worth writing about.

First off he backed me into a wall chest to chest with me, screaming in my face. Then when I followed to the room he shared with my daughter, I was told to get out. I responded that it is my place, I pay the bills and he didn't have the right to tell me to leave. When I wouldn't leave he threatened to move me, I told him, do what you think you have to and he put his hands on me to move me. During all this, the kid is yelling at me, fighting for the bf.

I finally tell the kid she needs to pack her shit too. And she does. I am sick at this point with emotion....are in the house calling people and he is sitting there talking shit, says he is talking to himself but saying shit about me out loud and when I respond, I am told by the kid to shut up. ME I AM THE ONE WHO IS TOLD TO SHUT UP!!!! So I turn on her. This person that I gave birth to, raised and cared for and provided for. I told her I couldn't believe that she is allowing him to talk to me this way. That she was ok with it. To which he says "go sit next to your mom and suck on her tit". I told him to get the fuck out of my house NOW. There was no waiting to call people and find a place to go, he was to get his bags immediately and get out the front door. And of course the kid follows.

The kid needs to come back in to charge her phone....I let her and before I let her leave I ask her to talk to me. I am leaning on the front door not allowing her to leave. She tells me to get the fuck out of her way. I told her I wasn't moving, she could try to move me herself but I wanted to talk. She starts shoving. When that doesn't work, she starts slapping the shit out of me. Then I hit back. Then I go back to the door. She proceeds to punch the hell out of my right arm (there is a pretty bruise there now, about as big as the palm of my hand or so). Then she decides the best course of action is to call 911 and tell them I won't let her leave. While she is on the phone, I tell her to get out, I take her shit and throw it out the front door and lock it. Now the sad part, her bf is standing at the door the whole time laughing, you can hear him through the door. It makes me want to fucking puke how rude the two of them were.

So I am in the house, spent, crying, sore as hell and in shock that my own fucking kid would call the cops. I get a couple of phone calls and then I get an odd one for me. It is her ex. He is calling me to see what is going on. I explain what I can. He tells me she was left by her bf, he went off with his friends and left her out in the cold, with a trash bag of her stuff and no where to go. Then I get a call from her, "Mom can you come pick me up at the Target?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! She beats the hell out of me says she is leaving with her bf, but less than 30 min passes and she needs my help??? OMFG!!! So that I am thinking straight I call her dad. He tells me he wouldn't go get her. So when she calls again, I am able to tell her she knows where I am, if she wants to talk, she knows where to find me and I hang up.

She gets back here and she breaks down, but the only reason she called me....NO ONE ELSE WOULD GIVE HER A PLACE TO STAY!!! She tells me last night that she doesn't want to talk, she needs time to process things. So I gave her that. I went to bed, read a book feeling hurt and betrayed to a level I have never felt in my entire life and sick that she was in my house. I didn't want her here. I felt like she didn't want to be here and I couldn't figure out why I should let her stay. I didn't sleep well, but thank GOD for hydrocodone for the pain and it helped me to rest some.

So Christmas day I get up and start getting ready, my sister had invited me to her place and in light of what the kid did, she was not welcome at my sister's home. So I went. I had a great day and my BIL took my keys and kind of held me hostage at their place until about 10:45 at night. By the time I made it home the kid was livid....pissed that she spent Christmas alone. Doesn't feel that she should have spent the holiday alone and I guess I was just supposed to forgive and forget everything with her. Yes I had told her I wanted to come home and maybe make a nice dinner, but I didn't make it and I had a great day without drama.

She started telling me about the people that support her and aren't mad at her for what happened yesterday, they don't approve but they aren't mad at her. How she should be allowed to live here and not have any responsibility to help out with bills or anything else because she is my kid. You know, she quit being a kid when she decided to get pregnant and drop out of school and be an adult. As she says she is a grown ass woman. So if that is the case, then shouldn't she be held to grown up responsibilities? The parents of one of her friends wants to help her get a checking account set up because she is worried if it is set up in my name then I will spend the kid's money....FUCK YOU!!! YOUR BASTARDS DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER RUDE DISRESPECTFUL ASS EVERY FUCKING DAY!

Then she tell me, she knows why she treats me the way she does, but it is none of my business and she doesn't want to talk about it. So I have decided tonight, since I don't mean shit to her (I am just the reason her fucking ass exists in this world) and I don't deserve any respect from her then she needs to leave. All she is going to do is drag me down, day in and day out and I can't have that. I need to be fixing my life not just stuck in a rut being told or treated like I am a worthless piece of shit.

I hope your Christmas was better than mine.

82

2008-12-13T23:39:00.002-06:00

According to a card reader I should die when I am 82, but as I move forward I sometimes think I am going to me a lot younger by several decades.

I finally have my life cleaned up, no more drugs, and I am trying like hell to do what is right, but I can't get a job and the things I have done for money I don't want to discuss. I have had people use me up in the last year and a half and I have learned that the human spirit can only take so much before it finally starts dying. As much as I feel like I have made leaps and bounds in my independent life and I have.....my spirit is dying....and I am starting to wonder again if it is even worth trying to save.

The world is not good. People are not basically good. People use each other any way they can, and they will use another person up until there is nothing left and then move on to the next person.

Please, God, hear my prayer and put me out of my misery.

December Blues

2008-11-29T18:10:00.003-06:00

As the holidays get closer I realize that I am battling those December blues I get every year. It use to come from me wanting to create the "perfect holiday". I know that is and unreasonable expectation, but it was always something I wanted. But this year the blues seem to be burning from another more personal desire. I want to be a part of life again.

I have lost a big chunk of the last two years, first by being "crazy" for about 6 months and then putting myself on house arrest for about 10 months. It is like I have let life disappear around me. I have few friends, can count them on one hand, and no job. I am just lost.

I want someone to share life with again, someone that I can lean on and laugh with, someone who can be my partner and who will walk beside me. After all this time, I haven't found anyone I am willing to do that with. I haven't found anyone who seems like that is what they want or anyone who does want it that can keep my attention. I am so tired of being alone all the damn time. There are plenty of men who want to be a friend with benefits or a fuck buddy or my booty call, but honestly, that is soooooooo unfulfilling and later I realize I just ache for something more.

I know none of this is making any sense, just putting my thoughts in writing.

Peace out peeps.....

There is a LOT more to me....

2008-10-16T19:38:00.003-05:00

So I was introduced to a guy and thought he was nice. Still do. He is sweet but just looking for a fuck buddy and nothing more....

I have come across this many times at this point. What the hell?? Has every man near my age decided that sex with one person with no commitment is ok??? What is the fucking point?

Ex-hubs and several close friends know I have a very open mind about sex and enjoy it very much, but I do NOT want to be some one's booty call.

I want so badly to meet someone and date. I am more than a body to fuck.

The 'hood has gone nuts

2008-09-05T11:03:00.002-05:00

So we had that wonderful activity to start Sunday at midnight...let me tell you the rest....

At 4:20 am sirens are coming into the complex...a couple of fire trucks and ambulances and a LOT of cop cars. Turns out someone was shot 15 times about 200 yards from my apartment and killed by the big boss of the complex.

Then Sunday night some chick is screaming at the top of her lungs for someone to help her because her guy is beating the shit out of her. I can hear them from the front of my apartment, but turned out they were in the court yard behind me.

Then Monday night some crackhead was seen at the corner store and someone had cut his neck.

Then early Thursday morning there were 5 cops cars blocking the apartments...I have no confirmation of this but it seems that someone else may have been shot.

Sooooo....that is the joy of my hood :-) I believe I will have to start calling it Beirut.

As for an update on me....I am scared to death about money. I still don't have a job, still don't seem to have any even close to lined up, retirement money isn't here yet and I have no way to make bills or have gas or eat now. Keep praying something comes through.

Fun Times in the 'Hood

2008-08-31T00:03:00.001-05:00

So tonight, while watching tv and chillin in the living room, I hear a gun shot. Not sure where it come from...

We kind of get down, and another pops off, that one sounded like a shot gun. Then while checking with someone in the building behind me we hear 4 more shots.

Gotta love the 'hood.

Must be in the water

2008-08-25T16:19:00.003-05:00

It has to be in the water. I am so fucking sick of flaky ass people.

So I wrote about my friend that just poofed on me. At least I get a random email every now and again...but still he is flaky and in his own little world, but the funny thing is I understand his world.

Then I have this friend that I see on occasion...he and I saw each other last Sunday, I have tried to reach him a little this week...no response. Not abnormal, but under the circumstances I think I would have heard from him...but NO.

Then a girlfriend of mine who is sweet as can be. Talk to her nearly every day, she sends me a message to tell me she is fucking up again and will be out of touch of a while and not to worry.

My God people....stop drinking the water that makes you flake out on other people and life in general.

Life is funny sometimes

2008-08-20T00:15:00.002-05:00

So I meet this person online...pure chance, but his ad caught my attention and he claimed he wasn't looking for a relationship, just a friend.

Our birthdays are close together and based on his ad he sounded like someone I would really click with. I replied to his ad and we started talking. How much we have in common is insane. We have read the same series of books with the same favorite in the series. We like the same movies, foods, have this relationship with music, he is creative and a free spirit. We have conversations that have come down to one of us saying "me too" so many times.

We finally started talking about moving our relationship forward. And then he disappeared. I knew he was going through some stuff, I just didn't know how bad. Now that I do, I struggle even more with him being so distant. I understand it, but I know I can help. Damn it!!! He and I are so much alike that I get it. I know where he is, I about 95% sure I even know what would help soooooooo much. But what can a person do when the other person insists on being distant?

He is in this really dark place mentally and emotionally. I get that. I know what that place is like for me. Based on how much alike we are I am pretty sure I understand his place. My ex always tried to fix everything when I was in that place figuring that was what I needed to come out of it. Picture if you will a dark closet, you are all curled up in a nice blanket in the corn with door closed and you don't want to leave...you feel safe there while you are healing from whatever has put you there. You don't want someone to throw open the door and turn on the light and insist you get up shake it off and all with be fine (that is sort of what the ex did, and I love him to this day for trying) but that wasn't ever what I needed. I needed someone to quietly open the door, closed it behind them as they settled down on the floor with me and sat with me in that dark place while I healed a little. And just their presence is enough to speed up the process so much, because I would never want someone else to miss out on life for me. I wouldn't let someone else suffer for my depression.

I guess I will just try to stay in touch with him and let him know I am here to sit with him quietly in the dark :-) I just adore him as a friend and don't want to ever lose that.

Peace out my peeps...hug the people you love when you say goodbye and tell them you love them. You never know when it will be the last time.

WTF?!? PITA is a Prostitue now??

2008-07-27T18:32:00.002-05:00

Well as anyone who probably reads here, knows I live in a rough part of town (but I still love it). But even this surprises me.

On Friday PITA went to the front of the complex to meet a friend. She was standing under a tree to be out of the sun looking for their car. The manager came out of the office and asked if she lived here, she said yes, and they told her she had to leave. When asked what the deal was, we found out the apartment managers felt PITA was soliciting cars on the corner. THEY CALLED MY KID A HOOKER!!! Are you fucking kidding me?!?!

I called down and bitched them out...only to have both women come to my apartment door...I think they were checking to see if PITA really lived here....but they apologized for the assumption and said that it wouldn't happen again. But it doesn't change the fact that they thought my kid was hooking on the corner.....gotta love living in the 'hood.

Sigh...understanding Love

2008-07-27T18:22:00.002-05:00

I do not claim to have any understanding of love anymore. Matter of the heart have me severely confused. I fell in love a couple of months ago to a man who on paper is perfect. Not to mention when we are together things are so easy for both of us and sharing the skeletons in our closet isn't so hard. He shocked me with a bit of honesty a couple of months ago and then literally fell off the face of the earth.

I was finally to the point that I didn't crave his company like a crackhead craves a fix and I get this random text apologizing to me. Then silence. About a week ago we spent over 5 hours texting and chatting online. Conversation for him and I is so natural and easy. Then silence.

Last night, he asked to see me. I thought it couldn't hurt, my addiction isn't that bad and I am handling things better and figured it would be no big deal. UGH!!!!!!!!!

As I sit here today I realize I am still in love with him. I also think he struggles with what he feels towards me since he shares so much with me. I have begun to wonder if his honesty with me wasn't a quick way for him to push me away because I was getting way too close to him. I do know that even though I can admit to being in love with him (and I feel as if I am betraying my ex more than with anything else I have ever done by falling for someone in a very real sense, not just lust or in the moment stuff) anyway...even though I can admit to loving him, I think I can keep my emotions in check and even play a little of the dating game. Who knows, this man might actually realize the connection we have and want to pursue more at some point, and who knows I might not even be ready if he does.

Peace out my peeps....hope you had a great weekend....hug your loved ones today.

Life in the Ghetto

2008-07-23T17:59:00.002-05:00

I have heard many people gasp and look shocked when they find out where I live. My apartment isn't in the best part of town. I am in Dallas, but just barely. Yet, for all the noise people make about where I am, I find it to be a very entertaining place to live. Even my new boss when he heard where I was said it was NOT the 'hood or the ghetto, I live in Beirut.

At any given time there are all kinds of activities going on in my complex...hell, they don't even feel the need to observe daylight savings so we are in our own time zone if you look at the clock on the complex sign.

Most of the illegal activity happens outside the front gates. However enough illegal activity goes on in my complex that Domino's will NOT deliver at all and Pizza Hut will deliver until 7pm. No one, not even the cable company wants to come into this hood after dark.

I have heard at least 3 incidents involving gunfire, one was really freaky as I sat on the balcony and smoked, one, very loud shot...I figured they got their man.

There are no less than 8-10 corner boys working the corner selling drugs in the evening...not so much in the heat of the summer day, but once the sun goes down it is on. They have even approached company of mine to see if they needed anything when they stopped at the gas station to get a drink before coming into the complex. Oh and what seems to be the drug most frequently sold on the corner...crack. That gives us lots of crackheads roaming around and cluckers willing to do anything for a couple of dollars to get a fix.

There are at least 3 known hooker who also work the corner...scary thing...one of them is a crackhead that was put in my cell back in April when I got arrested for the last of the possession charges...WTF?!? I didn't expect to see a cell mate in the real world...that was just crazy!

We have 3-5 regular homeless people (men and women) who work the intersection around the highway...I keep thinking I should get their names so I can say HI and greet them by name when I pull up to the stoplight...I mean....they are basically neighbors, right?? LOL

So....with all of this insanity (did I mention the trap selling drugs in my building??), there is something so simply beautiful in this place that I doubt many people pay attention to. I was here about a week and was on the patio and noticed on the buildings across the way that there was green parrot drinking water. Now that seems odd, but here is what people really don't know...there is a damn FLOCK of these birds!!! It is something I feel so privileged to get to see, a flock of 6-10 green parrots flying in a CITY!!

Peace out my peeps.....try to find the beauty in the things around you.

Random thoughts on a Sunday night

2008-07-13T16:59:00.002-05:00

So I just dropped the kid off at work (PITA loves her job...that is a good thing) and on the way I had sent ex-hubs one of the plate texts. He understands...I guess it is still part of that secret language we had when we were together and one of the goofy things we did. Anyway...he simply asked if I was ok.

I don't know how to tell him that I have been screaming inside again and want so bad to curl up and cry somewhere. I know it does no good...so I thought what the hell, I will post.

So here is what occurred to me earlier today...I have almost no friends. I think it happened while I was married. You spend so much time with your spouse and making a family and never doing things for yourself that if that relationship breaks up you are alone. Now we had lots of friends from jobs and things like that, but the funny thing about that for me, they were our "couple" friends. I don't think any of them knew how to handle the deep pain I was going through last year and they gave me time and pulled away. Lucky for him, he is dating someone who knows most of those people so I am sure she was able to slide right into the vacant spot I left without a lot of trouble. (Bitter, maybe just a little when it comes to that)

How does a single person make friends? I want to be able to pick up the phone and say "Hey, the kid is gone, want to catch a movie? dinner? shop? come hang?" You get the idea. But how does one do that? Most men, their goal isn't always to be friends and women are so hard to get to know...they just aren't trusting.

ok...and there is another thing. So this guy that I liked....ALOT more than I realized...just up and disappeared for months. Then out of the blue, once I am finally getting to a point where I am not thinking about him as much (yet he still pops into my mind unexpectedly), he sends a text. That was typical for us...but it said I didn't deserve him just disappearing, he had more going on in his life than he let on. Ok...and that means what. So I responded and per usual fashion...no response back. I don't know if that was him apologizing just because or his way of apologizing for not exiting better. Hell I don't know. I just know dating SUCKS.

There really isn't anything to share here, just needed to type a few things out...

Peace out my peeps....hope you are all having a great weekend and an even better start to the work week.

New Job

2008-07-05T10:33:00.004-05:00

Ok...tearing your life to pieces can be hell later LOL.

I don't know (nor do I care to go read and remind myself right now) how much I have put here since I spent long periods of time silent. But I lost my teaching career to a stupid mistake and now face some serious charges and legal matters. With that said, I needed to look for a job...I am highly qualified for a lot of things, just have to get someone to take a chance on me...

So I got offered a job with a marketing research firm in Dallas...the title of my job sounds important "Qualitative Assistant". What that means is glorified waitress with no tips. This firm runs research groups, mostly individual interviews with mostly doctors. What my job means is I set up the waiting room for the respondents with snacks and refreshments, I set up the lounge and viewing room for the clients, I also make sure the conference room is set up for whatever is being done that day with candy and water for the moderator. Then when the clients order food from the many expensive ass restaurants near us, it is my job to "plate" the food from their plastic containers onto pretty white plates and serve it to them in their lounge. I then have to clean all of that up for each meal. I also get to wash dishes in the kitchen, bake cookies, make fruit and veggie trays....blah, blah, blah.....

Wow...I have a college degree, 11 years work experience and I can't seem to find a job better than this??? I am fucked to say the least. I will keep sending out resumes to jobs online and who knows something may hit. In the mean time keep your fingers crossed for me....

Peace out...hope you all had a safe 4th!!

***For ex-hubs.....(highlight if you want to know) "I miss u and I am so sorry for everything. Thank you for still being there and being a friend. Who knows, one day we might get this crap straigtened out"

Six Month Review

2008-06-15T13:02:00.003-05:00

Well....I am finally feeling like myself again. I am clean (no drugs in my system anymore), I have a lawyer (so maybe my legal issues can get handled now), I am unemployed (but going on interviews and sending out resumes like crazy), I am a grandmother (even though he lives in Oklahoma with his adoptive family).

I don't even know where to begin and when I look back on the last year it is like I don't know who that person was or what the hell she was thinking. I truly believe I went temporarily insane for a year due to the stress of the divorce and losing the only person I have ever really loved.

As for the ex, I think he is doing ok. I worry about him and his health all the time. We still talk a couple of times a week. It use to be every day, at least we have backed off that. I still love him dearly and deep inside still hold the hope that one day we might find out way back to each other.

I have finally healed enough that I feel ready to actually date. Although I don't know how to do that too well. I met one man that actually got my attention...turns out he wasn't a good guy, great on paper, but where it counts he was almost slime. It really hurt that I didn't see it in him, but I chose not to beat myself up about it for too long. Best to see him as a stepping stone to the next one....

PITA is doing well. As well as can be expected for having an emergency c-section and then giving her son up for adoption. She got pictures from the family this week and it was pretty great. They even sent her a gorgeous silver necklace with his birthday engraved on it.

As for our own family, after they were complete asses and a text apology for calling PITA a "nigger loving whore" we have heard nothing. You know...you can read through this blog and it is littered with pain from how it is with my family. But I have decided no more. The only ones I want to stay in contact with are my dad and my sisters. I have decided when I have news for my dad I will call him...to hell with his wife or the rest of them and how they jump the gun. I will speak directly to my dad. As for my sisters...those are easy relationships.

So many times in the last year I was close to just ending it all. But I am here to say now that I am glad for the choices I made that allowed me to stay alive. I know the drugs weren't the best option, but they kept me numb enough to not hurt with the intensity that nearly caused me to commit suicide. Even though I have lost my job, my husband and the life I once I had; I have a very unique opportunity to start over. I get to rebuild my life, MY WAY. I am not building it based on my husband's dreams or on what I think PITA needs or by the way I think I should look in society. I feel the freedom to build my new life the way I choose, that will ultimately make me happy. I will not waste my time on men who bring me down. I will not waste my time in a job I hate. I will not waste anymore time period! I am truly alive again and it is refreshing. I know there will be hard times, but I feel I am so much stronger now and able to cope with them.

For those who do still check in here...and you know who you are that mentioned it to me.....this is for you. I will try to write a little more often.....

Peace out my peeps............

Center...

2008-02-24T11:54:00.002-06:00

God how I love to be back here. The ex will understand what I am talking about and if you are curious I will tell you more.

Yesterday was a rough one. Had to go to the house to pick up some more stuff and on the ride there I guess the emotional force of it hit me. I was not prepared to walk into our home that he lives in with her. I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't. After a lot of tears and getting settled back into my apartment with my people around me, and a lot of sleep, I am back to center.

Hope everyone is well. Will try to start blogging again, but been focused on other things as of late

Peace out my peeps.

Suicide Poem, A Sonnet

2008-02-23T16:31:00.000-06:00

Suicide Poem, A Sonnet
by Stage Diva

Was I bewitched so by the thin red line
To notice not that time released its hold
And let pale Iris snip the silver twine
To steal sweet youth before it turned to gold.
Existence now is not what I was told;
No seraphim and harps to grace my ear,
Just silence, painful silence, and the cold
Discomfort of my masochistic fear,
So icy cold, yet somehow seems to sear
My soul until the ache's too much to bare,
As mortal life mirages now appear:
Intangible are they; away they tear.
Mistake, it was; the curtain fell too soon
When razor's edge did charm me like the moon.

Broken

2007-12-14T19:07:00.000-06:00

Unreal...I swear this shows how clumsy I am.

Last week, we had a couple of field trips at my school. The second one was on Thursday and we were going to the US mint. Right as I was getting ready to get on the bus, I stepped wrong off the curb and twisted my right ankle, in trying to catch my balance I landed funny on my left ankle and twisted it really bad. I had my homeboy pick me up at school and he took me to a doctor near my house. Unfortunately, workman's comp stuff hadn't been worked out yet...the doctor then refused to see me on my insurance.

So off to another doctor and lie about where this accident happened. I got x-rayed and the doc said she wasn't sure it was broken, but my x-rays would be checked by radiologists and they would let me know. I get a call on Monday and the doc says it looks broken, but they want me back in 7-10 days for more x-rays. I call them on my way home and find out if I can get a boot or something to stabilize my foot better and they tell me to come on in and get more x-rays done then. This new doc tells me it was clearly broken and that I needed to see an ortho. I make an appointment and then I talk to the school district. They call the doc office to see if they take workman's comp and they don't so they call and cancel my appointment.

At this point I am freaking out, my foot is really starting to hurt and I can't get anyone to see me know. I call my district crying asking what to do. Finally someone from workman's comp calls me and I am able to get a name of someone I can see. They couldn't see me until yesterday and they finally put me in a boot which has been a lot more comfortable.

I am really looking forward to going back to work on Monday. I have missed my students so much and I miss teaching. After a day of being on my feet, my ankle does start hurting so I will just have to make a habit of putting it up some in my classroom.

Peace out my peeps...up next, the crazy activities of our 7 month old kittens...

I like taking a walk on the wild side but...

2007-11-23T18:19:00.000-06:00

...that doesn't mean I want to move in.

So lately I have been taking a few hard walks on the wild side and even though I have had some fun it is not my ultimate goal in life to move over to the dark side and stay there.

I have long believed that my darker side has always been well balanced by my more mainstream, follow the rules clean cut school teacher side.

Anyway, with this said, I have had a person in my life who may have worn out their welcome simply because they are pushing me to live in the dark which quite frankly is not my thing. This same person had suggested that I quit teaching where I am happier than I have ever been to chase after the almighty dollar. Like I freaking teach because I want to get rich LOL. That is freaking hilarious. This person has no idea how important my job is to me or the commitment I feel to those children. So they are being pushed to the back burner. Either they accept me how I am (since I can accept him and his faults) pr get his ass to steppin'.

I still talk to the personal trainer and he is currently our of the country until the end of the month. He has even wanted to move in with me and be my room mate. Can you say bad idea?? I told him no. Who knows where that is really going but I do know that I still enjoy the little time he and I spend together. Hell, maybe with putting the one person on the back burner will allow more time for me to decide where I want things to go with the trainer.

Okay...it is late...I need to sleep. Will catch you all up on more soon.

Sneaking in unnoticed

2007-11-19T08:41:00.000-06:00

So I haven't posted in a while. As a matter of fact I even started another blog for a short time to help me deal with the darker side of this divorce. I don't know if my ex still reads this or not, if you do, I hope nothing I say on here will upset you any longer. However I doubt that to be the case.

As a way to say hello again to the blogging world I chose to show you what I am doing over my Thanksgiving break.

I am learning how to Soulja Boy (or Crank That). It is a reward that my classes are battling for. They hope to be the class that gets to see me do the Soulja Boy.

Thinking of PITA

2007-06-19T00:52:00.000-05:00

As it was mentioned I should think of PITA and the kind of role model I am being for her. Let me explain what kind of role model I am being.....

I am showing her that a woman doesn't have to sell herself out to a man because she loves him.
I am showing her that it is ok to be true to yourself no matter what anyone else thinks.
I am showing her it is possible to make it on your own without a man.
I am showing her a strong woman who can date but isn't defined by the men she dates.
I am showing her how to stand up for herself.
I am showing her that it is ok to make wave and do things her own way as long as she takes care of her responsibilities.

To be perfectly honest, I think I am being a damn good role model to PITA. She isn't seeing me give up myself and sacrifice who I am for another person. She is seeing me be independent and strong. Do me a favor, hubs, before you cast stones at me, take a damn hard look in the mirror at yourself and throw the first damn stone at YOU. You have NO RIGHT ever to question how I choose to raise her. When you can stand up and be dad of the year then you can tell me where I am screwing up. Until then, back the hell off of using her to manipulate me to do the shit you want me to do and not the stuff I WANT TO DO!

News Flash

2007-06-18T01:22:00.000-05:00

I am an adult.

Scary thought, I know and I also know there are some out there in the world who feel I still need lots of protection like an infant child. But guess what, I am an adult. I can actually stand up and take what the world has to offer and sometimes the lemons don't go so well with the tequila. I don't need to be told I am irrational. I don't need to be told I am a whore. I don't need to be told how I am fucking my life up. UNDERSTAND IT IS MY LIFE TO FUCK UP. I am an adult, deal with it, I have. Quite frankly people may not like the things I do or how I choose to live my life, but it is MY LIFE. I am not one to tell others how to live theirs. I may offer my observations and will give my opinion when asked, but I don't have any right to tell someone else how to live or to judge them for the way they choose to live their lives. I understand that I may not be the picture of what others think I SHOULD be, but that is fine, this is who I am, deal with it. This is the person I have needed to let out. It is a little over the top at the moment because it has been bottled up and locked away in the dark recesses of my soul for many years. I may go a little overboard at first, but I will calm down and mellow out and then just simply be the wonderful person that God intended. God can see into my heart and knows the reasons for every move I make and according to the good book loves me despite my sins. He is the only one allowed to judge if I remember correctly. You can tell me you are worried or that you don't want me to get hurt, but understand I AM MAKING THESE CHOICES FOR MYSELF and I am willing to be woman enough to accept the consequences as well.

Peace out my peeps....be true to yourself because in the end the only person you can ever really know is YOU.

New Beginnings

2007-06-17T01:18:00.000-05:00

I was pretty close to being on the money for when I knew the darkness would start to lift. Funny that I didn't really need to remove the warning, but it played right out to about the time it would expire......

With that said, this is just a little post to let all who read know that things are looking up a little. I know there are going to still be tough days, but I am finding I am enjoying my new found freedom more and more. Even though I am taking risks (nothing really new to me, just something I didn't do while with the ex) and even to some degree concerning those around me. Please be sure that I am being safe, no decision I make or move I make is without great consideration on my part. I am having fun. Let me. It is my time finally.

Will write more when I am not feeling so jet lagged from two days of living like a rock star.

Peace out my peeps.....remember your happiness is out there, don't give up the search until you find it.

WARNING!

2007-06-14T18:56:00.000-05:00

Things in this blog are bound to be dark for a while. I need a place to let this out and this seems like the best place to turn it all loose. I am keeping this post at the top as a warning before you venture on. I will remove it when I feel the darkness fading some into light.

Focus

2007-06-12T22:37:00.000-05:00

Hmmm, what an interesting word. Never really thought much about it until tonight. Although I admire this trait in PTG, it is something that can be a bit frustrating. Most of his calls will come in pretty late at night because as soon as he gets home he is completely focused on his personal business ventures. Tonight I thought I would make an offer to him to take a break about 30 minutes from when he called. He had mentioned he hadn't eaten and I offered to bring food...even though he said he was tempted....I was told that he was really focused and wanted to get this work done. Now that is a bit of an eye opener...as much as I enjoy this man's company, I know where his focus is and it is going to take something bigger than me to shake that LOL. Oh well...

Talked to the lawyers yesterday.....they are starting the paperwork and tomorrow I will take in the money for the court fees so they can move forward with filing. I am sure all of this brings relief to the ex's mind. I get the feeling he is ready to have all of this done as soon as possible and I wonder if the midget nurse doesn't have something to do with that. I know he is happy and I am happy for him. I wish him all the luck in the world and I am truly sorry he can't find it in himself to try to meet me half way so we can make this marriage work. But then really why should I care about that now. He knows where I stand, I have been honest with him about wanting to make things work instead of dissolving the marriage and he has made it clear that he wants me the hell out of his life. I get it. I am have no idea where I am getting the strength to stand up to that kind of rejection and still ask for more from him. But I do know that I am starting to find my way a little at a time.

I have found the saddest part about all of this....being numb again. I was coming out of that state this last year and when he walked out the door he took every real emotion I had with him. I was told it will take time, but that I will start to feel again. Who knows. All I want is to be able to feel passion and love again. I miss those feelings. Life is a little empty without a feeling of passion.

Oh....Sassy....at dinner I mentioned the new CD by Sam Moore....it is called Overnight Sensational....and the song he sang was called "Don't Play That Song (You Lied)". I downloaded a version by Aretha that I LOVE. It is a great song. It will be going on the divorce CD I am making for the ex.

Peace out my peeps....going back to my music........

Makes me Wonder

2007-05-27T23:10:00.000-05:00

What a great song that is from Maroon 5....Not sure why I love it so much but I do.

I am still avoiding doing my grades....but as soon as I am done with this I am going to work on them. There are just somethings as a teacher that I don't like to do. Grading is one of them.

The weekend has been fairly good. Even with a few snags. Friday night was the graduation. I really enjoyed seeing my family and hanging out with them some. It is still hard because of the issues with me and my dad, but who knows, one day I might feel like I fit in a little again. Then I went to meet a gentleman for drinks and guess what....he didn't show up....that was a little sad, but all in all it didn't bring me down. (On a side note, I got a message from him today that he got into a car accident and was sorry he didn't call or email....hmmmmm)

Hubs sent me an email on Friday that should have upset me, but it didn't. He went out of town with his new girlfriend. And I honestly wish them well. I figured this weekend would be a good time for them to move to a new level in their relationship. When I told him this he took it as a pop shot and I truly wish he hadn't. I know he has moved on and is trying to find some happiness and and I wish him nothing but....I hope one day he will understand I have little to no hard feelings and still dearly love him.

When I spoke to my counselor this last week who is helping me cope with everything, she told me I could have 100% hope that my marriage might come back together and live in 100% reality that it may not and go ahead and move on. So that is what I am trying to do. It is hard. I know there was a time when reconciling was the thing I wanted most, but as soon as I accepted that hubs was never coming back I was able to move on some. I still have my moments and I think I had one of those tonight. That is neither here nor there and I am better now, so that is all that matters.

PITA is dealing with an issue. He ex boyfriend's new girlfriend was sending her harassing text messages tonight. I finally called the girl and suggest she stop or we would have to take the matter to the cops. We will see if she quits....if not I will deal with her in a completely different way. PITA also moved on to another boyfriend tonight....ugh, gotta love 16 year old young love.

Just had to respond

2007-05-25T05:34:00.000-05:00

I decided this morning I needed to respond to the poster who's message I deleted.

Let me make a couple of things clear. One I had an affair. Hubs moved out to get me to wake up and realize what I was about to lose if I didn't give in to his request. Before he moved out he started dating someone new. It took me a month to venture out and try the dating thing after hubs moved out and moved on. Please do me a favor and don't pretend you know something about a situation you aren't in the middle of.

My main goal would be to reconcile with my husband who I still love very much, however I also need to move on as if that will never happen. Meeting new friends and not staying in bed crying and doing dumb ass destructive shit is part of that.

Hubs, I know the comment wasn't from you...but the poster felt you should run for the hills. They just didn't know that you moved on before I even accepted my first date with someone.

Peace out peeps...hope you all have a great FRIDAY!

Myself and I....

2007-05-23T12:44:00.000-05:00

...have some straightening out to do.

Sorry, listening to a little music before posting. I may have to post a few of the lyrics to this song while explaining my whimsical mood today. Damn it, I was just about getting use to the depression too, even though my dearest friends were missing the more upbeat, fun me! Have any of you noticed how beautiful days have been recently?? If not, call me, I will help pick up you and make you feel great.

Hubs, if you are out there....just wanted to let you know that I hope you are enjoying your time as much as I am. It is scary how addictive a little freedom can be and in not talking to you and breaking away from that grind of being told how shitty I am, I have come back around to myself. You know, the woman you originally fell in love with and whom you hate at the moment. Take care my dear....Lord knows I am enjoying the hell out of life right now.

Oh and hubs....for you.....

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But Ive got to
get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the
dark ahead if I stay

Now....PTG and I have talked a couple of times. Short little conversations, he is working on a pretty big project and is super busy and add to that the end of school things that I have to do. Time is precious right now and there isn't a whole lot of it. Honestly, I need to use mine a little more wisely so I can get more things done, but we all know how much fun play time can be. LOL

Anyway...the weekend is fast approaching. I can't believe Friday night my sister is graduating. That is still blowing my mind. When did these kids grow up?? My other little sister will be coming over to hang out with her partner in crime (aka PITA) Saturday. Since they will be busy I may plan on going out Saturday night for some fun. The new Pirates movie is out and I would love to go see it. I have invited PTG to go with me....hoping he will say yes.

Peace out my peeps....enjoy the the goodness in the days ahead. We all need that sometimes.

7 "New" Wonders of the World

2007-05-21T10:46:00.000-05:00

I thought this might interest the class....there is a campaigne to vote in 7 "new" wonders of the world. If you don't know about it click here and check it out for yourself. The new wonders will be announced on July 7, 2007 (07.07.07)

Amatuer Psychology

2007-05-21T07:37:00.000-05:00

It is great having good friends that talk to you enough that they help you see what is going on in your mind without even meaning to.

This morning in a conversation I had with my Pirate in Crime, I came to the conclusion that I feel guilty for wanting out of my marriage and for finding happiness without my husband. I am also struggling with the idea that he can find happiness without me. We spent so many years trying to keep us together and at least I have last fall to remind me of the good times. He and I were at our peak of being good together then. I wish we had kept that going, but something in him back then wouldn't allow that to happen. I am still so angry at him for that. I was happy and he was all I wanted in the world and he had to go and ruin it. At some point I am going to have to deal with that anger over that. I truly miss those days back then and how well we were together. Life was good. Now I am in a place where I have to find good on my own. And scary enough, I can, quite easily. It is only when I talk to hubs that I feel awful. I love him. I wish I was the one for him. I want so bad to be the one to make him happy and to have him make me happy, but somewhere deep down I just don't think that is possible.

This weekend he once again stabbed me in the heart with the fact that there is no hope for reconciliation. I just keep thinking somewhere that he and I need to go through this to find our way back to each other....sounds stupid huh?

Now...on to what has got me sounding a little happier these days. Last week I went out with a new friend. I guess it was a date, even though when hubs asked me if I was going on a date I just told him I was going out. He says I was still lying by omission. Anyway...the night was great. Wonderful conversation and a great meal and great company and a good night kiss and a promise to get together again soon. HE WANTED TO SEE ME AGAIN!! Ok, I know that shouldn't seem to exciting, but to me it was.

I have never done this dating thing. I had PITA when I was 16, never "dated" before I had her. Then I met hubs when I was 17, my first week in college. He and I never really "dated" because I had PITA and he and I seemed to just to fall into a serious committed relationship and never looked back. All these years I wasn't sure about what the dating thing would be like.

Now my new friend is a certified personal trainer and self employed (from here on out he will be known as PTG "personal trainer guy") and sweet as can be. PTG was out of town this weekend and that was why he really wanted to make sure to see me last week before flying out of town. I sent him a text yesterday that said to give me a call if he felt up to it when he got back into town. I was looking forward to hearing about the concert he went to out of state. He called and invited me over to his place. It was great to just sit and talk to him. Four hours of talking...neat to be with someone who talks as much as I do, plus he is interested in several things that I am interested in as well. If for nothing else...he will be a fun friend to have.

So anyway...

This week I have my sister's graduation. It is so odd to think she is graduating from high school. I remember the first time I saw her when she was 2 years old. I didn't know if I was going to like her too much and she dug a place in my heart over the next year or so. I loved her very dearly. Even though today we aren't as close as I had hoped, she is still very important to me and I can't wait to see her walk on Friday night.

More later....

Shhh

2007-05-20T23:54:00.001-05:00

Do you hear that? Not sure I do either, but it sounds like the pitter patter of change.

Just random thoughts

2007-05-20T10:19:00.000-05:00

I was thinking while in the shower...my favorite place to think......

Since I have woken up this morning I have wanted to text or call hubs. So far I haven't and I am going to try to make it a whole day without doing that. It is so hard because I want to talk to him. I miss him. But every phone call or even the texts have become hateful and mean. I get hurt more often than not and that is reason to not call.

But while I was in the shower I got to thinking....I need to break this need to talk to him for one. But then I thought, would he maybe make a deal. I know those of you that know me well are thinking here we go again. But I was thinking...if he would come home. Not only would I break contact with many of my male friends (there are about 3 I need to keep) but I would also give hubs all access to everything in my life so he would know I am being honest. All email accounts and everything. I want him to check my phone records and read my texts to make sure I am being honest with him so he would know that I am not doing anything I shouldn't be. I want to build that trust back up.

I even thought for a second....since he is hurt by the fact that people here know about my affairs is to just pack up, sell the house and move somewhere else. Get new teaching jobs and start all over with our lives. A fresh start. A completely new beginning. I am willing to uproot my whole life to put things back on track with my husband. Leave everything I know and love to make my marriage work.

I wonder if that would be enough for him?

Another tough one

2007-05-19T23:48:00.000-05:00

After I got out my feelings on the blog, I just curled back up in bed and went to sleep. I didn't get up the rest of the day. Around six PITA came to me to find out what we were doing for dinner. I rolled out of bed long enough to take her to Toxic Hell and I got me a bite to eat too. I at least stayed up and watched a movie and a couple of tv shows.

Then it started to come over me. That darkness. I feels it in my gut and it spreads and everything seems like doom and gloom. I absolutely hate that feeling. I took it for as long as I could. Feeling it in every cell of my body. I came to bed, with every intention to do something to help relieve this ache and as I logged on to the computer, my cousin in Iraq happen to be on. He sent me a message and so far as we are talking now I am feeling the gloom back off a little. It is now just a lump sitting in my gut.

One good thing happened today though....tall guy messaged me from his concert to tell me he wished I was there rockin' out with him. I do to right now. I know that would have kept my mind off things.

Some days I wonder what good it would do to keep fighting for my marriage. But even for as much as I enjoyed my evening out on Thursday (which nearly made me change the blog for a short time to a brighter view of things) I still wish I had my husband next to me tonight. Holding me. Telling me he loves me. Letting me know that things would be ok in the morning. He always, even when I was losing it, helped to bring me back down and calm my system. I haven't figured out the best way to accomplish that calming feeling on my own yet. I will keep trying.

How is a person suppose to accept the end of their life as they know it? Not just the material stuff but the emotional as well. You spend all these years with someone and then they just aren't there anymore. I think it would be easier if one of us had died. That is final. But since he isn't dead, I keep thinking there is this chance that he and I can fix this. Not sure why I want to since he keeps telling me how much he doesn't want anything to do with me.

Peace out my peeps....I hope your Saturday was good and your Sunday is better. Find peace and calmness for yourselves.

Cold Turkey

2007-05-19T10:28:00.000-05:00

How do you cold turkey a habit? Seriously...don't you need to replace the old habit with something new?

I have had several dear friends tell me that I need to cut off communication with hubs, cold turkey. I have no idea how to do that. Our whole lives are still wrapped up in each other. But every time I talk to him, I feel like the lowest piece of dirt on earth. It is how I felt a lot during our marriage when he would talk down to me on something I would say or he made a point to make me feel stupid a lot of the time. These kinds of things only happened in private and never in public.

Anyway, today I sent a message to see if he was out. I mainly wanted to know if he was running errands, if he was going to be on this side of town then he could drop off the fraud paper for the checks that were stolen. However, when we talked I was told I am not doing enough with this theft. I don't know what else I can do. I work on the opposite side of the world from my bank. He is right here in town. But then I realized, this isn't his life anymore. He walked out on it. He doesn't have to worry if people are writing checks on OUR JOINT ACCOUNT. Since his name wasn't forged it is all on me and he doesn't have to worry about it because it isn't his life anymore. He is starting a new one. He has moved on. He isn't looking back and yes I can't seem to get in my head completely that this is over.

Last night it was told to me that by my mom of all people, that she didn't feel hubs and I could be friends. As much as I hate to admit it, she may be right. Even when we have friend conversations he reminds me what a low life piece of shit I am. I know that is from anger, but my goodness work through some of it all ready. This new woman in his life was willing to betray a friend to start a relationship based on the lie that she thinks he is the perfect man. DAMN IT ALL TO FUCKING HELL!! The thing that pisses me off is I am the one with a big fucking scarlet A on my ass for having an affair, but he walks away smelling like fucking roses because "he was always so good to TG and she did this to him". Fuck ya'll, fuck all ya'll. You don't know the half of it because I wouldn't trash him like he is so fucking willing to do to me. I have never told people how he would ignore me and treat me as if I wasn't even there. How he quit touching me. How he quit kissing me years ago. I don't talk about all of his bad habits. I can't even do it here. I still protect him and take the majority of the blame on my fucking self.

I have taken the blame so hard on myself that I took to cutting to just help me freaking get through the guilt, pain, anger, rage and any other feelings I can't put a name to. I broke down finally to see a counselor to help me come to terms with my world because I can't seem to accept it and start the process of moving on.

This man that spent 15 years with me walked out the door and never looked back. He says for 3 weeks I had a choice. I am starting to think he was done long ago and wanted to be able to hurt me and reject me like I did him with my affairs. I understand that. I don't want to take that from him. I just figure he will always hate me now. It hurts to know that. Since he hates me he has distanced himself from everything that as part of OUR life. Including PITA.

It pisses me off that he has been able to walk away from all of the responsibility of OUR life together and just move on to another relationship. He doesn't have to worry about the dogs, the cats, the lawn, the house, our daughter, the bills. He is just enjoying his fucking life without everything he built with me for 15 years! It isn't like this shit doesn't still exist. This isn't out of sight out of mind like it is for a baby with their hands over their eyes!

Good news is that with as upset as I am and frustrated today, I am coping. I don't feel the need to do anything destructive. I feel I can get back up and make it through the day without doing something to myself or breaking something else in the house.

Peace out my peeps...hope your weekends is off to a better start than mine.

Something funny to share

2007-05-16T15:14:00.000-05:00

Ok...there has been and still will be a mess of darkness on here, but I wanted to share this with the group. This was an ad put in the personals for casual encounters and a friend sent it to me thinking it would make me laugh and it did. Now my right wing friends won't find it as funny I am sure, but everyone needs to be able to laugh at themselves every now and then.

I want to have sex with a pretty Republican 30 something blond Dallas woman, just one time. A clean, disease free, uptight, Republican woman who has never broken a rule. I don't want to discuss politics. It's not your fault you voted for Bush twice and screwed up the world. But you do owe me one, for believing your right wing husband or boyfriend or dad or church, or whoever it was who sold you on this violent pile of crap. I'm a 6' slender professional athletic left wing intellectual with an Ivey League degree with a nice sized one to broaden your horizons with. And because I'm more civilized than what you are used to, you will see this is not revenge screw. No, it's more like a resetting of karma, since you have all but destroyed my belief in the underlying goodness of humanity. This is my debt collection for putting up with this $3 gas and a dangerous future for my kids, all thanks to your gullible xenophobia of the planet and failed misunderstanding of media propaganda. A few hours doggy style will allow me to reset the karma in my life, leaving you with a large amount of my wisdom between your legs to take back home and ponder. I think we will both feel better in the end, as we recalibrate the future to a wiser course.

This hurts so much

2007-05-14T18:24:00.000-05:00

This is a pain unlike anything I have ever felt before. I seriously feel like I am being torn apart. Today was just a matter of getting through the day and not crying and I made it until now. The pain was so overwhelming that I had to finally sneak off to my room to be alone.

Everyone is telling me how this is for the best. PITA is mad that I can't be stronger. My sister thinks I should be stronger. Everyone tells me how I need to just make it through and there is only one person I want to talk to and they have no words for me.

There is nothing I wouldn't try to help make this pain stop. It is unbearable. How is it so easy for him? How can he just go through his day and everything be just fine. I get up and wish I didn't have to do this again.don't want to go through another day. My students are a great distraction. They keep my mind off the pain for a little while, but as soon as they are gone and PITA is in the car going on and on about whoever the newest guy is....I start hurting and there is this scream building that I don't know what to do with.

I eat and end up throwing up some portion of what I ate. How can he not know how much I love him and how much I wanted to make things right? Or I guess the better question...how can he just not care? Some part of me accepts this and there is this other part that keeps thinking maybe this is just punishment and when he thinks I have had enough he will want me back. I know how irrational that sounds since he told me he doesn't want to be married to me anymore or to be with me at all and doesn't want to reconcile, but there is still that small voice that thinks that.

I have been told each day I get up, breathe in and breathe out and all will start feeling better in time. I just don't know how that is possible. Some days it seems so dark.

A done bun can't be undone

2007-05-13T21:23:00.000-05:00

The title is from Stephen King's book Insomnia for those that don't know.

Hubs talked to me tonight. I am very thankful for the conversation, no matter how painful it was. He finally answered my one question...Is there any chance he will be coming back home. He told me tonight, no. So I can start the process for moving on, healing or whatever the hell people do in this situation. There is nothing more I can do, I have honestly done everything I can. I guess there is the chance to find peace somewhere in that statement.

He is right, I knew the risk I took before I had an affair. But being as lonely as I was, it was a gamble I was willing to take to just feel like someone cared about me. I know hubs loved me, and probably still does, but he didn't show it anymore in any way at all. I was so empty. Even tonight, he still doesn't see what he did that played a part in my decision to do what I did. I truly hope one day he will have that "aha" moment and get it.

I have had many people tell me the affair isn't it. That his reaction has been over the top for an affair. Maybe that isn't all and he may never tell me everything...then again it could be just that simple. My soon to be e-husband isn't that complex. At least he has told me that for years and maybe he isn't. Maybe this is a normal reaction to an affair to throw away your whole life for 15 years. I don't know.

And hubs, when you read this....just know I am not as hardheaded as you. When I saw you weren't willing to budge I decided to close the whole gap by myself, give in to any request you had, to make us work. I was at least willing to stop being an ass to help us. Please don't make the mistake to hold so hard to your way of thinking that you do this again in another relationship. Relationships are about give and take. I was ready to give you any and everything to help us and even though you told me that is what it would take, you now tell me there is nothing I can do to make this work. Please take care with your future relationships. Don't be so set in your ways that you are unable to see the other person's side of things. It is ok to be sensitive and empathic.

I am going to curl back up in bed, been here most of the day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Mother's Day

2007-05-13T16:14:00.000-05:00

I hope this isn't how holidays will feel from now on. Mother's day has gone by without a lot of notice. PITA went to the store for me and spent money on getting me flowers, money I didn't have for her to spend so in a couple of days when the last bill check goes through and I get the dog food we should be left with about $27 for the month. Can't wait for payday to get here.

Today has felt very lonely. I have pretty much stayed in bed and cried off and on all day. Hubs was kind enough to send a txt that he didn't want to fight and happy mother's day. PITA has stayed on a computer most of the day and I had mac and cheese for my mother's day brunch. I know, I am having a pity party.

My MK director called to check on me and told me I should come back to meetings because people keep asking about me. I just can't right now. I don't want to answer questions when hubs isn't there with me. People just seem so surprised when he and I aren't together and I hate answering questions.

I think I am just about ready to take something to put me to sleep and just forget this day happened.

Peace out my peeps and I hope your Mother's Days were wonderful.

To be able to survive

2007-05-12T22:00:00.000-05:00

I think I have come to the conclusion that to be able to survive this thing with hubs I am going to have to surround myself with people. It is only when I am chatting, visiting, or hanging out that I don't sink too far into darkness, but as soon as I am alone and things get quiet, this black cloud seems to enter my world and I don't know how to push it away.

Today I went to Taste of Addison with Sassy and had fun. Good food, lots of people watching and good music. I need to make more of those times happen, otherwise, I don't think I can make it through this.

And I am just wondering...How important is individuality anyway? I mean would it be so bad to give up completely on yourself for another person? But then the downside, what if the other person is never willing to do the same....I guess then it wouldn't be such a good idea. I know the right answers, but just needed to see the questions in black and white. Guess it is time for tequila and music.

Peace out my peeps...sorry for all the darkness, I am going to have to come up with something funny soon....sleep well.

Threats

2007-05-12T19:29:00.000-05:00

No, Hubs, it is not a threat. I think it will be ugly because of the way you have been with me. You get meaner and more vicious every day. You refuse to answer the phone when I call now even if I need to just ask you something. You reminded me that I didn't need to go to Chili's and this that and another when I talked to you about the money, but how is that any different than how our lives were together? We went out to eat a lot and that was what I did with a friend. Why did you feel the need to jump my case about that?

You have become so mean, angry and bitter to me that you can't even talk to me without saying something that cuts me to the bone. How are we suppose to have a "friendly" divorce when that is the way you treat me?

Open Letter to HUBS

2007-05-12T14:20:00.000-05:00

Dear Hubs~

Unfortunately, my love, you do not know where I stand. You have yet to take the time to talk to me. And I do mean talk. I am not meaning screaming at me, calling me names and reminding me with every other sentence what I have done wrong. Things I have done well to not do to you around every corner.

I have apologized and no I don't regret what I have done, but for reasons you can't comprehend. I regret what I have done to you and I, not the relationship that caused this. Giving up that friendship would be easy if you could promise to be the man that I need. I have asked if you could be my friend again and talk to me and laugh with me and have fun with me and you told me no, you could not be that man.

It seems to me that for 15 years I have been asking for that and you never did it. I have wanted nothing more than to make this marriage work and found ways to have my other needs (and I don't mean sexual ones) met so that I could be with the man I love and married. I know you aren't into books. You don't care about current events. Odd stories don't matter unless they have a sports theme. Honestly if it isn't wrapped in sports it isn't for you. I accepted that and found others to fill that need of conversation for me. And yes, I allowed two of those relationships to get physical in the last year.

This last year, I have truly stepped way out on a limb and tried to discover more things about myself. I am sorry that you are not strong enough to go on this journey with me. Before I stepped out, you will remember we were fighting every day and it was about going out on Saturday nights. I wanted to go blow off some steam and you wanted me at home on the couch. I was going out of my mind and you were fighting to keep me locked up. I am sorry that I did a jail break and discovered some freedom. I am even more sorry that I hurt you in the process. You have never understood how much I love you. I was willing to give up who I was for 14 years to be with you. I sold out to you, for love.

I want us to work, but I am beginning to understand that we are in two completely different places in our lives. I have asked you over for dinner and taken you out in a effort to let you get to know me and hopefully you will be reminded why you loved me in the first place, but all you end up doing is reminding me what a worthless piece of shit I am.

Hubs, take care of yourself. I know this divorce is going to get ugly. That was not what I wanted, however I want this marriage to work and you will do nothing to meet me half way. Since that is the case, it is hard to be friendly and nicey nice. I am finally getting to anger myself. The whole time I haven't been mad, but I am getting pissed now.

I know you have always loved PITA and I, but I also know you like to have control. You didn't gain the upper hand when you moved out like you thought you would and you have forgotten how hardheaded I can be when a point needs to be made. If you are willing to walk away from 15 years because you can't lock me up in a cage again, then that is your choice. I just refuse to be controlled like that again. I want to be my own person and I want a man strong enough to stand beside me and be his own person as well.

You were my heart and soul, then about a year ago you drove me into utter darkness and turned away from me. I was tired of being alone and lonely all the time and I reached out for someone else to help me see in the darkness.

Your Wife, who still loves you despite everything.

Maybe I am not the one

2007-05-09T11:30:00.000-05:00

Last night hubs was coming to the house to pick up his computer. I invited him to stay for dinner and watch one of our TV shows with me (I am just a Heroes nerd...just LOVE that show) anyway, before dinner was ready he wanted to know if he had time to get some stuff done and still being angry (especially when he comes to the house) I shot off with "You have time to pack your shit before dinner." And yes I said it just like that, but I was mad and it came out before I could bite my tongue and stop it. He gave me a look and I told him I was sorry and the reason I am that way is I wondered if he was going to come back home....he shot a question at me "Are you going to stop talking to him?" to which I replied "I am not going to fight with you" and he said that was my answer to him coming home.

We made it through dinner and a TV show and he went to the office. I was watching How I Met Your Mother and one of the couples is getting married. They had forgotten their vows and one of the friends said...just tell each other what you love about each other. And I remembered a list hubs had written for me years ago.

So I got out the famous white box (the one haunted by my grandfather) and read the list and got PISSED! This was something he wrote me in our first year together. I don't remember what prompted it, but I am sure I asked for the list. On five of the items he said he loved about me he had comments next to them....

sensitive (sometimes too much)
articulate (sometimes)
intelligent (getting better)
wise (semi)
self-reliant (working on it)

This was a list that I cherished and kept in my white box because it was important and I never seemed to notice those extra words all these years and I read it tonight and those quantifiers glared at me and I got it! He never really saw me as those things. I was never really wise, intelligent, articulate or self-reliant. I was kind of those things, but not enough for him to write them and leave them.

Why have I spent so many years trying to make this work with this man when he never really saw me as the one who could fit what he wanted in a wife? I don't think I was ever the one. I tried for years to conform and become the woman that he wanted and when I finally wanted to be myself, he was against me and not for me.

I told hubs on Saturday night that I wanted a man who would talk to me. When I read a story that catches my interest or I watch a TV show that is interesting and want to share my opinions and comments about it, I want someone who WANTS to listen to what I have to say and then tell me what they think as well. I want someone who can laugh at my silliness and say "That just TG being TG." and roll their eyes and realize I don't mean harm. When I told him this, hubs told me he doesn't think he can be that man for me. WHAT!?! He says he wants this marriage to work, or he has said that before, but now he says he can't act like the man I want him to be (yet for years I worked HARD at being the woman he wanted). So there is a moment when you have to accept that the person you are with can't change...I am fine with that...I can accept that now he is not willing to be that man, or even try to be that man.

I have told him for year and years what I needed. I never played the "read my mind" game with him. I told him what I wanted. He would be that way for a short time to shut me up and then he would go back to his old ways. So I looked for other companions that filled that need in my life. Other people to talk to and share with. Some have lasted for years and others were just for a season. One of those people I found has become one of my dearest friends and I love him to pieces. Yes, I over stepped the line with two of those companions in the last year. One was a true mistake, the other is something I am going to cherish for years to come. I had begged hubs to be what I needed or even try a little to fill the needs I had...and I honestly feel if he had, I wouldn't had strayed from our marriage.

DAMN IT! The years...15 of them...given to this man and working to be who he wanted and I NEVER lived up. I am mad at myself, because he and I haven't been truly happy and that is no way for a person's life to be. We should all seek out happiness and not settle for anything less and I fear hubs and I did.

On a side note...I am going to dearly miss seeing my MIL this weekend. Even though hubs has invited himself to family functions with me, he didn't feel the need to even ask if I wanted to go to see them. It kills me because I love my in-laws dearly and I am going to miss them so much. I know they will hate me before this is all said and done and that breaks my heart.

Peace out my peeps and keep looking for what makes you happy and do NOT settle for anything less!

One more question...

2007-04-29T19:03:00.000-05:00

How am I suppose to move on if I feel like it is wrong to date?

I have never met anyone with the intention of replacing hubs...so how am I suppose to date now? That would be what is going on...finding a replacement and I don't want to do that. UGH!!! I can't seem to move forward and I can't go backwards. I am stuck.

Why?

2007-04-29T18:50:00.000-05:00

This weekend has been so fucked up. Hubs has emailed me, sent me a text or called every freaking day. Yesterday he sent me a text to find out if he was invited to my nephew's birthday party. I called my sister to see how she felt about it and she told me that if it wouldn't make me uncomfortable that it was ok. So I told him ok. Then he wants to know...do I need to bring anything and all the details. I told him a gift. He asked if I had one. I told him I would and put his name on it so he wouldn't have to worry about. Then about one in the morning we were texting and he was telling me he hasn't gotten a lot of sleep and I asked why and he tells me why and I tell him that he should take something and he says he doesn't do that and then I told him to come home I had a place for him to sleep. He then tells me that I know he can't come home. I ask why. Never really got a good answer on that. I mean seriously. WHY!?! Just come home and work on stuff with me.

SO today he comes to the birthday party and that was all fucked up. He asks for a hug and then says maybe five sentences to me. He didn't talk to anyone else or anything. When he left I was just about ready to go as well. He sent me a text to let me know he was going to the house. I told him cool, that PITA and I were going to stop by. I just wanted to talk to him. That didn't go well. I was reminded again of all of my faults and the fact that I won't stop talking to the man who I had my most recent affair with is the reason he won't come home. I reminded him that he told me the sex had to stop but that the friendship wouldn't be an issue. And guess what...now the friendship is an issue. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I love him and want him home, but I don't want to be something he feels he owns. I can't live like that. It would kill me in the long run. He can't handle me having anyone, male or female, platonic or not, in my life. Hell he has even shown jealousy of PITA. That is NOT NORMAL! And when I ask him to make an appointment for us to go see a counselor he won't. When I ask him to sit and talk to me, he won't. I have asked him to get to know me again and he has told me that based on the little bit that he has seen so far he doesn't want to know the rest. How does a man tell his partner of 15 years something like that?

Why won't he even try to work on this marriage?

Building sadness

2007-04-26T15:36:00.000-05:00

Today I didn't wake up feeling as strong as I did yesterday. I think the way I felt as I was trying to go to sleep had a lot to do with it. Last night I got PITA home and she talked my ear off until about 11:30 when I told her I absolutely HAD to go to sleep since I need to be up and awake in 5 hours. As she left my bedroom and turned out the light it occurred to me that I had no one to kiss good night. Such a small little thing, but I missed it tremendously last night. I have the extra pillows in the bed laid out to feel a little like a person lying next to me. Then when I woke up this morning I had the overwhelming feeling that I needed to call hubs, but we had agreed after an ugly discussion last night that we need to not talk for a while.

Also last night, in that ugly discussion there was a comment that really hit home with me and cut me to the bone. I am not sure that was hubs' intention as he rarely means to hurt me like her has recently. He told me last night that this "new person" that is emerging isn't someone he likes. I asked him how he knows that for sure since he hasn't taken the time to get to know that person too well lately. He told me that based on what little he has seen so far he is sure there is nothing about me that he is going to like anymore. How does someone go from calling their wife their life (yes, he has called me that instead of wife) to telling them they don't like anything about them. I was this way when he met me and toned down my wilder side as our relationship progressed. All the time I told him I there were things I wanted to try once PITA was older. I told him that there were so many things I didn't get to experience and there was going to be a day when I was going to want to. He knew that all along.

I settled down because I had PITA and hubs and a career to focus on. There wasn't time for me to be selfish and do things that I wanted to do. I had a family and big responsibilities to handle that required more of my time. After 15 years together I felt hubs and I would be solid and secure enough to handle me starting to spread my wings some. But, as some of you know, last Spring when I did that he clipped my wings. I have tried over and over again to fully get out there and live a little but he has fought me all the way, feeling insecure and thinking I wanted to leave. I never wanted out. I have only wanted to see what the world has to offer.

I just hope this lump in my chest passes soon. I don't want to cry the evening away again. I want to be laughing and trying to move on like hubs told me to do. I am afraid to move on though. I don't want to lose him and if I move on I am afraid that will mean leaving him behind. He has been a part of me for half my life. I don't know how to walk away from that or how to move on from that. I just wish he knew that none of the things I have done have had anything to do with him, but EVERYTHING to do with me. I am trying to become my own person and to do that I need to experience things. ~sigh~ I will figure it out in time.

Peace out my peeps...Hug and kiss your loved ones tonight and don't part on angry words.

Let it go

2007-04-25T12:21:00.000-05:00

Wow...for those of you that know me, you know that God and I are always in a battle. One I am sure to lose, but then I am fine with that. At least I feel I have expressed my need for free will by battling it out. However, this God that I fight so hard against seems to be looking out for my best interests even when I tell Him I don't want Him to. Today while picking up my copy of the Daily OM off the printer, I saw an email someone had printed and say the words LET IT GO. I read one line and then saw who wrote it and decided to come to my room to find this on the web and read it myself. I can't tell you how fitting this was for today and what I was needing to read or hear at this time. All I will say...is I am fortunate to have a God that will look out for me even when I am being a spoiled brat who doesn't want to follow the rules.

Let it go

by Pastor TD Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,
loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,
staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you,
you can't make them stay.
Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person,
it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's
part in your story is over so that you
don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something.
I've got the gift of good-bye.
It's the tenth spiritual gift,
I believe in good-bye.

It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,
and I know whatever God means for me to have
He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong

to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to .

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge ..
LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents ..
LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude...
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...
LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves..
LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ...
LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need
to...
LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past.
Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for 2007!!!
LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then
LET IT GO!!!

Not dead

2007-04-24T10:56:00.000-05:00

Hello....Wow, there is an echo in this place now. I think it is just about time to clear out the cobwebs and wipe away the dust and start posting again. I don't even remember the last time I was in this blog other than to see how to post a video. I see I have to repair some picture links too. :-(

Well...things are not happy these days.

PITA is doing a little better even though she is still failing. After this school year she will be going to Green Acres with me. She will attend high school there and with the friends I have made maybe the villiage can set this child straight. Her and I have been rebuliding our relationship even with some MAJOR set backs in honesty from her.

Hubs and I are separating. At least that seems to be the plan at the moment. We have some differences that we can't seem to work through at the moment, but you never know. Life might swing back around for us and we might actually put this thing back together. I don't want to divorce him, but I am starting to wonder if we are able to put our differences aside and just be us again. He is a great man and I want him to be happy. I know that the problems we have are mostly my fault and that I have damaged our marriage. I hope one day he will know that it wasn't about him, but me being selfish. I also hope one day he will realize the depth to which I love him.

Green Acres...it is still Disneyland to me. I love this place...the kids...the adults...and the job. I have gotten more and more involved over the last few months and have loved every second of the stuff I do. Even if it wears me out sometimes.

The chaos in my marriage has taken such a toll on me that I am tired all the time. Who knows maybe I will just come out on the other end a survivor and happier.

Peace out my peeps...you will be seeing more of me. While I may blog about the bad, I promise to try to cover some of the good and insane as well. I am going to use this blog for a while to sort through somethings.

Omega Psi Phi Step Show

2007-04-04T09:12:00.001-05:00

Wow...nothing for a while

2007-02-09T12:33:00.000-06:00

Life hasn't been too busy, but I guess I haven't had anything really worth blogging about. Will update soon.

Christmas break

2006-12-23T15:59:00.000-06:00

Boy do I ever know how to kick off a break!! I got out of school at 1pm on Tuesday. Got home with daughter and hubs and was hanging out. Got Chipotle for dinner and planned how I was going to spend the next couple of days shopping and getting all my Christmas stuff done. I was even planning on going to my dad's house for their Christmas thing (even though he doesn't want to reconcile with me). Wednesday morning I wake up at 4:30 in pain. A lot like the pain I had on Monday morning. Hubs decided it was best to take me to the emergency room. Joy, joy. Turns out my gall bladder looks a LOT like a bag of marbles and they suggested I go ahead and have it out. So by 4:30pm on my FIRST day of Christmas break, I had to have my gall bladder removed. What a way to start Christmas vacation huh?

I am doing better. I am about to go out and do my last little run of Christmas shopping and then I need to start working on getting the house ready to have family here for Christmas dinner. I promise I am going VERY slow and resting between each little task, but there are things that just have to be done.

Peace out my peeps. I hope your Christmases are everything you want them to be.

2006-12-18T12:13:00.000-06:00

Every year I hear this song on the radio. I have always wondered what the name of it was. I finally heard it today while I was on my lunch break and looked it up. I often think of several people when I hear this and wonder how each one of them are this time of year. I hope each of you are with the ones you love around the holidays.

"Same Old Lang Syne"
by Dan Fogelberg

Met my old lover in the grocery store
The snow was falling Christmas Eve
I stole behind her in the frozen foods
And I touched her on the sleeve

She didn't recognize the face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse
And we laughed until we cried

We took her groceries to the checkout stand
The food was totaled up and bagged
We stood there lost in our embarrassment
As the conversation dragged

Went to have ourselves a drink or two
But couldn't find an open bar
We bought a six-pack at the liquor store
And we drank it in her car

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how

She said she'd married her an architect
Who kept her warm and safe and dry
She would have liked to say she loved the man
But she didn't like to lie

I said the years had been a friend to her
And that her eyes were still as blue
But in those eyes I wasn't sure if I
Saw doubt or gratitude

She said she saw me in the record stores
And that I must be doing well
I said the audience was heavenly
But the traveling was hell

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness
But neither one knew how

We drank a toast to innocence
We drank a toast to time
Reliving in our eloquence
Another 'auld lang syne'

The beer was empty and our tongues were tired
And running out of things to say
She gave a kiss to me as I got out
And I watched her drive away

Just for a moment I was back at school
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home
The snow turned into rain

Texan through and through

2006-12-17T16:51:00.000-06:00

You Are Austin

A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll.
You're totally weird and very proud of it.
Artistic and freaky, you still seem to fit in... in your own strange way.

Famous Austin residents: Lance Armstrong, Sandra Bullock, Andy Roddick

What American City Are You?

From my sister to our family

2006-12-14T08:28:00.000-06:00

Ok...Last night my sister wrote this blog to our family. I thought it good enough to post here. I will be happy to give the "juicy" details of the story as soon as I have time to organize my thoughts.

Family
Current mood: pissed off

I have got the most screwed up family, if you can call it that. Let me just set up the story so no one will be confused. Two years ago my wonderful saint of a father wrote me a letter that I should just pretend that he was dead and that he would rather vomit than get together with me or my older sister for the holidays. That having to pretend to be a family made him sick. All of this, just because we got too busy with our lives and hadn't called him in a while this is how he thought he could make things better. Then he becomes paranoid telling everyone how my sis and I are going around slandering his name and helping people that are out to get him. But truthfully with some of the things we know about him if we had participated I think he would have had a lot more trouble then he did. We had nothing to do with any of it we just took his advice and turned our back. I mean who wants to have a relationship that is so sweet to talk to his kids this way? Now I have had a new baby this year and suddenly I am the evil one because he's going around telling everyone that he is trying so hard to be a family with us just to turn around and
tell us over the phone that he wants nothing to do with us that this is a better situation for him and that we just need to stay away. But we have family getting on to us that we are the ones not trying to make things right. Why would we. I can think of better places that I would rather be at Christmas then in a room full of people that hate my guts. No thank you. The funny thing is, that he so badly wants to form a relationship with my baby but has nothing to do with my 7 year old. Whats that about? And basically says that he can't have anything to do with him because he can't get along with me. Oh wait!! I've heard this one before I believe that is what he told me for not trying to be more of a father, that it was because he just couldn't stand to talk to his exwife(my mom) so he didn't try. And all my 28 years I have had to eat all the shit he has handed me and pretend to love it's taste just to make people happy. Well fuck that, I'm tired of feeling like shit just to make other people feel good. So, I guess I am selfish. Selfish enough to want to be happy and be around people that really do love me and want me to be a part of their life. Selfish enough to protect my family from having to feel rejection when it's not deserved. You're right I am selfish and I always will be. So leave me alone.

I love my sister with all of my heart. She is one of the MOST important people in my life. I am just as protective of her as she is of me. I know part of this was prompted by my call to my dad last night. I will fill you all in later.

Peace out....

Friendship

2006-12-12T08:09:00.000-06:00

I guess I missed a memo somewhere. It is odd how people can get so close and talk so often and then one day one of them just disappears. Literally, poof, gone. How is it that someone can talk to you every day and share parts of themselves and their lives with you and then they fall off the face of the earth? I understand that people get busy with their lives. I have no issues with that at all. That is just plain normal. What I have a problem with is when someone tells you they will do something and then they done. I know life happens and I am understanding of that.

I guess what I am trying to say is I hate when a friendship dies and NO ONE lets me in on the fact that it died and I should just let it go. Hell, at least tell me if you decide that you are too busy for a friend. Tell me if you aren't going to have ANY time to send a hello email. Tell me if the friendship is OVER.

I keep thinking things are ok and will try for a while to contact someone, but after a while it starts to kind of hurt your feelings like someone is avoiding you. I would just feel better if people were up front and honest instead of "faking it"...and BADLY I might add.

Peace out my peeps...thank you for letting me rant as usual.

WHAT TEACHERS MAKE

2006-12-10T19:02:00.000-06:00

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Susan.
Be honest. What do you make?"

Susan, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want to know what I make? "I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I make a C+ feel like the winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor. I make kids sit through 40 minute s of study hall in absolute silence. "

"You want to know what I make?
I make kids wonder.
I make them question.
I make them criticize.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them write.
I make them read, read, read.
I make them show all their work in math and perfect their final drafts in English.
I make them understand that if you have the brains, and follow your heart, and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you must pay no attention because they just didn't learn."

Susan paused and then continued.
"You want to know what I make?

"I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make?"

(Sounds just like some of the discussions I have had with my father.)

Peace out my peeps and remember: Teachers make every other profession possible.

It was a Happy Birthday to me

2006-12-07T10:15:00.000-06:00

Hubs did a great job. He got my family together for my birthday to have dinner with us Tuesday night. I got lots of cool stuff and hubs was a sweetheart and got the Bluetooth head set that I wanted so much.

Now as far as the day itself....I think the universe was against me. Every little thing that could go wrong, did go wrong. Nothing too serious, just lots of little things. All day long I just smiled and didn't let it get to me. It was one day out of many. Who cares that Chick-fil-a doesn't open until 6:30 and I am not getting a chicken biscuit on my birthday (one of only like 3-5 days out of the year that I get to have one). Who cares that I got to school early to make copies and the RISO broke on me. Who cares that my neighbor (who is a great friend) too the entire day to call and say Happy Birthday. Who cares that my brother thought my birthday is next month and forgot me. Who cares that my stepmom (the only person I really see as my mom) had to cancel and didn't celebrate with me for the first time in 16 years. Who cares that hubs didn't wrap my fabulous present. Who cares that people close to me just forgot.....Seriously, who cares?? That is the attitude I kept the whole day.

The straw the broke the camel's back was not getting another piece of my cake because it didn't make it out of the neighbor's house and back to me. *sigh*

The funny part was, I don't think it was the cake. I think it was the fact that I didn't talk to my dad who's birthday was Monday. It was the 2nd year in a row that we haven't spoken on our birthdays. It was one of the bonds I had with my dad that no one could take away. It hurts so much to not speak to him. I am so thankful to hubs for understanding and not minimizing my feelings on this. He is the only person I know that doesn't tell me: "It will get easier with time", "He is such an ass, he doesn't deserve you feeling sad about this", and on and on. I know people mean well...but hubs is the only person who really knows how much this kills me.

Peace out my peeps...I hope everyone is having a great day!!

To my dear Husband

2006-12-05T08:50:00.000-06:00

Thank you :-)

Thank you for trying so hard every year to make this day special and nice. I will never be able to tell you how much I appreciate all your efforts. I know you get down on yourself and worry that you aren't doing enough, but you do a wonderful job and I am thankful.

I love you oats and squish your head much! :-)

Lights!!

2006-12-02T22:17:00.000-06:00

How cool it is to have the lights up on the house! We didn't think I was going to get them up there this year. We had it all lined up to have someone come and put the lights on, but a $700 repair to the Exlorer ended that. Here is a pic of our beautiful home (Please note that Frosty is back home):

Hubs got on the roof. Being afraid of heights and all...I think he did a great job.

Also...I want to show all of you my beautiful pink Christmas tree. This was a little thing for me with my pink obsession...Hubs was sweet and let me buy it.

Anyway...sleep tight my peeps. I will :-)

KIDNAPPED!!!

2006-11-29T12:34:00.000-06:00

My 8 foot snowman has been taken. I got a ransom note. Demands were a 12 pack of beer and slim jim beef jerky.

After discussing (ok it turned to slight threatening) this crime with my neighbor, I was assured of the safe return of Frosty. Now the planning starts for getting even!!

Explain to me...

2006-11-28T10:47:00.000-06:00

...why a 15 year old girl wants to take 100 pictures of herself a day???

PITA has fallen in LOVE with my new digital camera. She steals it when she is home and snaps pics of herself. I will have to share some of these once I am home and with the camera. But it is her in all kinds of different poses and facial expressions. Seriously, I have like 100 pics of JUST her on my camera right now. She ran me out of battery power and I was nearly out of memory on my card that holds about 400 pictures.

Does ANYONE out there understand WHY a teenage girl would do this??

Peace out my peeps....

Welcome Blake Allen

2006-11-27T23:49:00.000-06:00

I want to introduce you all to my new nephew, born at 11:49 on November 27th. He was 7 pounds 5 oz and 20 inches long.

Ok. I need to tell you all about the following picture. They have placed a "lo jack" sensor on my little nephew. Now I don't know if there really is a HUGE problem with baby snatching at the hospital where he was born, but they have great security measures to make sure the baby is with the right mom and not going any where with anyone NOT authorized to have the baby. My sister however let me know that it isn't cool that the government is now tracking her children LOL. To me it looked like the ankle bracelets some of my students had last year.

Peace out my peeps...I hope you all are getting ready for the COLD blast that is on its way.

Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T20:09:00.000-06:00

I truly hope everyone had a blessed Thanksgiving.

We went to Ladonia and celebrated with hub's family. They are good people and I love them dearly, but I am still missing my family's traditions. Tonight I have a craving for "the cake". Unreal how something that I once thought of as a miserable thing to have to do is the one thing I want most to do this year. Hubs went out tonight to get me the things I needed to make the German chocolate cake. My mouth is watering at the idea of how it will taste in the morning with coffee. Anyway, tomorrow night I am planning a little thing with my sister and her family.

We have the Mary Kay open house this weekend. Hubs says no one is going to show. I know it is his way of trying to prevent me from getting my hopes up too high. One of these days this business has got to work.

Peace out my peeps. Sleep well under the fog of that turkey dinner.

Blind Baseball

2006-10-29T11:52:00.000-06:00

Ok, you all know about my "insensitive" comments about special needs people and children and many of you know that the comments that are considered insensitive that hub's writes down and posts on the fridge are never meant to be insensitive. I just speak before I think a lot of times. I really wish my brain was faster than my mouth.

Anyway...Hubs invited me to go to a baseball game that one of his students was playing in. His student is blind. Then he tells me that all of the participants are blind. I told hubs I thought this would be dangerous. Someone could get hurt. He reminds me they play with a ball that beeps. So great...I go with him (even after the mess with the family that had me in a horrible mood that night). I call my aunt to get someone to help pull me out of my funk and hubs tells her where we are. She then tells hubs "When the blind kids put down their drink, move it and see what happens". LMAO. See, I come by it naturally!!!! I told my aunt "You just made my blog" to which she responded "DON'T use my name!!" lol Oh how my family cracks me up, at least the ones I still talk too.

UFB

2006-10-27T19:32:00.000-05:00

Ok, I have a few funny things to post and will when I get past this, but tonight my family just moved to another level of pure spitefulness that I just can't comprehend.

I am throwing a baby shower for my sister this weekend. She is due in December and I can't wait to see Blake and hold him in my arms. He is truly a miracle baby. This was a completely unexpected pregnancy and the answer to my sister's prayers. I am so excited for her. Anyway, when talking about who to invite my sister tells me to invite the family. The ones that seem to support my father even after he told my sister and I that he would rather vomit than spend the holidays with us last year.

So I send out the invites. With every intention in the world of seeing them all this weekend and everyone playing nicey nice like always. I was told I wasn't allowed to send one to our father's home. I completely understand and support my sister since I know everything he has been pulling with the two of us.

I call one of our cousins yesterday and get this brush off about how she is working and probably won't make it because she will be too tired from working the day before. Ok, fine, but something in my gut told me this isn't all there is to it. GRRRRRRRR, I should have fucking known. I called my sister who is a senior in high school who has moved back in with Satan. I wanted to make sure she called pregnant sis since today is her birthday. Seems the word on the street is my side of the family is too good for the shower I am throwing (not exactly, Satan and his whore are pouting because they weren't invited) so they are going to throw their own next weekend. Pregnant sis will not go to it, so really they are throwing a pity party. I seriously don't fucking get the family I am in.

Tonight I sit here, wanting nothing more than to open a bottle of wine and make my heart stop hurting. I am pissed they are doing this to my sister and my new nephew and I want to protect them from my family's meanness. Ugh, really though I am hurt knowing once again these people have let me down and can't live up to even polite expectations.

Peace out my peeps. Thank you for letting me vent, I promise to have good stories about blind baseball and my nekkid nephew soon.

Happy Anniversary

2006-10-24T12:42:00.000-05:00

Hubs~

I want you to know how much I love you!! Eight years of marriage down....many more to go.

TG

Soundtrack of life

2006-10-20T12:19:00.000-05:00

I wonder sometimes if everyone has a soundtrack for their life. Music is so important in my world that there always seems to be a song that explains my mood or where I am in my life at any given time. I don't really know how that happened to me, but at some point along the way this soundtrack for my life just started playing in the back of my mind.

Just a few examples....

Last year while we were going through struggles with PITA, I came across a song called "There goes my life". The first time I heard it tears were rolling down my cheeks. It seemed to speak right to the core of my heart about how I feel about PITA. I know that one day she will be moving on with her own life. I just wonder if she knows that she is my life. Every decision I have made over the last 16 years has been effected in some way by her presence.

When hubs and I are having a hard time I always hear "I miss my friend". Hubs is the best husband, but I am the worst wife. I know this even though he will disagree with me at times. What makes things hardest on us is when we stop being friends. That happens so often in relationships.

Another song that describes how things seem to be with hubs right now is "Chasing Cars". {Psst, Hubs, you know why this one touches me, since we have talked about it}

With my MK business...I have posted this before, but two songs seem to play when I think about my business are "Unwritten" and "How bad do you want it". Both explain themselves.

Recently, another song that I couldn't get enough of was "Bring me to Life" (I know, older song, but I came across it while listening to my MP3 player one morning). I could feel my breath catch in my throat at the emotions that song brought to the surface while I listened to it. It still seems to be very powerful for me. It is always nice to feel woken up inside.

Now for today, my songs seem to have a theme..."Give it to you", "Feelin' Love", and "Crash (into me)". I can't imagine what is on my mind LOL. Hubs should understand these songs. I hope that he will use this information to his advantage :-)

Peace out my peeps....may the soundtrack to your lives be happy and up beat.

Hubs and the ATF

2006-10-19T12:33:00.000-05:00

Seriously there are some things that I think are not the best thing for my husband to have. Yesterday I got the mail and was on the phone with my director, trying not to get knocked over by two greyhounds letting me know they wanted out and a cat trying to say hi. The blue envelope we got in the mail meant nothing to me. I saw a government seal but figured it would end up to be some kind of junk mail. Hell I have gotten government letters before (hubs reminded me that it was from the customs department and I shouldn't bring those up too often).

Anyway, hubs gets home and I hear an exclamation of happiness from him. He then comes in the office and thrusts a piece of paper out to me. He is now certified to carry explosives. WTF?!? The government won't let me have valium, but will let my husband drive around with explosives?? Seriously what is wrong with this picture? I need to valium to deal with him driving around with explosives.

I just want you all to have this information in case you hear that I died in an explosion.

Peace out my peeps....have a great Thursday...the weekend is almost here.

Friday the 13th

2006-10-13T07:30:00.000-05:00

Hmmm, so how many people out there have wondered why today is considered unlucky? Being the conspiracy freak that I am...I found out about the legend behind this date this last year during some research on the Illuminati and the Knights Templar.

From UselessKnowlege.com: the basis for this superstition stems from the events that took place on Friday, October 13, 1307. On that day, the Pope of the Roman Catholic church, in combination with the King of France, sentenced the Knights Templar to death and ordered the torture and crucifixion of their leader, Jacques DeMolay (who is also thought to be the one who is on the Shroud of Turin as well).

Also, Friday and the number 13 have been considered to be unlucky by many different cultures and religions.

Just wanted to send you all a little information to start off your Friday. Have a great day!!

Peace out my peeps!

Microsoft vs General Motors

2006-10-09T15:07:00.000-05:00

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........

Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Justice

2006-10-06T13:13:00.000-05:00

Another monster is found guilty! Some days my faith is restored and today is one of those days.

A year and a half ago there was a murder of an 11 year old girl. She was raped, strangled and shoved under a trailer. This week the monster who committed this crime finally went on trial. The jury returned a guilty verdict about an hour ago. This case is like many others out there in the world where a child falls victim to a monster, but the difference with this monster...he is the father of one of my former students.

I still feel a pit in my stomach and my heart hurts when I think about his daughter. She is beautiful, bright and has a wonderful sense of humor. I feel like I failed her 2 years ago. She had all of the classic signs of abuse that I should have seen and understood. The monster had been abusing her for a long time. She was suppose to be there the night he committed this horrible crime and I can't help but think she would have been the victim if she had been there.

I am sending out strong vibes for this jury to send back the death penalty on this monster. Information put out in the trial only makes me further want his death when I read that this little girl would have died from her injuries sustained in the rape. The bastard hurt her that badly. My brain just doesn't understand it. I just hope this jury uses this as an opportunity to rid the world of one more bad seed.

Peace out my peeps....I hope your Friday is going great!

I love my job....

2006-09-27T11:49:00.000-05:00

It is the best job in the world.

OK, sometime it is hard for a teacher to say that, but so far for 5 weeks I have had the best job in the world. I LOVE what I do. Good grief I never thought I would feel that way again.

So, today, I am teaching the children of Green Acres about the Bill of Rights. We are having a blast. They are bringing up great questions and in general doing a wonderful job of discussing the first 10 amendments to the US constitution. Seriously, I am teaching 5th graders and they are coming up with wonderful examples.

I am using a book called "Adventure Tales in America" to help me teach the Bill of Rights. It teaching history in almost a cartoon form. I think it is set up great for the kids to learn. Anyway, in one of the pictures this guy is on a box labeled soap. Now that is important to know. These kids have never heard the phrase of getting on a soap box. I have to explain what the soap box means before they understand the cartoon. Then I had a student that I get a soap box for them to use when they want to state their opinion about something. WHAT A GREAT IDEA!?! So I am thinking about getting a box and label it soap for them to use if we debate. Seriously, these little people are neat. And if we don't ever use the soap box, it will just be a fun thing to have to remind the students of what "getting on a soap box" means.

Yesterday when we were going over Rules, Rights and Privileges...defining the words, then classifying things as each, the kids came across some things that were hard to classify. It is wonderful to hear them justify their answers. There was a light bulb moment for me though with one of my classes. I ask a student why they thought something was a privilege and not a right or rule. He paused (you know that deer in the headlights look) and I told him "You aren't wrong, I just want to know what you think". He looks at me, smiles and says "That gives me to confidence to tell you my thoughts." Light bulb moment....how often do we as teachers, parents or adults want to know what a kids thinks (just to get inside their head a little) but we don't let them know it is safe??? Think of how much more conviction our children could have for the things they believe in if we made it safe for them to speak their mind a little more often. I am going to strive to make my classroom a safe place for my students to speak up without fear of judgment so they can learn to advocate for themselves and tell people what they think with confidence.

Peace out my peeps....have a great HUMP day!

Down Sizing

2006-09-25T12:08:00.000-05:00

HOLY COW!!! I am so excited. This weekend I took my wedding rings in to be resized. I have been wearing a little sizer on the bands for about 8 months now and it was starting to drive me a little nutty. Those sizers are NOT comfortable. Anyway...I took my ring in and the guy gave me some great news....my ring is going from a size 8 to a size 6!!! How cool is that??? I knew the rings didn't fit, now we know why :-) I lost two ring sizes off my fingers!!!!!!

Now I just need to keep the scale moving in the right direction. I want to look good for this next summer. If we have the money and time hubs, PITA and I will be taking another trip north, but this time to do the history thing and check out Civil War battle grounds and the capital. Plus, I just might get to meet a good friend if all works out right!! So I want to look great for that.

ALSO.......I found out that Mary Kay will give me options once I earn my pink Caddy!!! OMG, I was bouncing with excitement when I saw this over the weekend.

For those of you that don't know me too well, I thought that the caddy was an old person's car. I don't care how expensive it was or anything like that or really even the fact that it was free. It was an old person's car and I just couldn't see me driving it. Well, as you can now see I can earn a FREE Cadillac SRX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AWESOME!!! And it will be PINK!!!! WooHoo, time to get to seriously doing some team building. Not just for the money now, but the FREE (yes FREE) Pink SUV!!!!

Peace out my peeps....I hope you are having a great start to the week.

GRRR

2006-09-21T12:41:00.000-05:00

Damn blogger ate my post!!!!!

Ok, highlights from eaten post:

Sucks to be sick....only two good things come from it: weight loss and catching some much needed zzzzz's

Students were great yesterday while I was out wishing I was dead. They were so good for the sub and I am not sure if it is because I teach in Green Acres or because I am in a parallel universe where the kids are always great.

Last but not least.....I was burnt on this teaching thing back in May. Didn't know if I wanted to do it anymore. Here I am a few months later and I have my faith restored in the youth of today and may even consider sticking this teaching thing out for a little longer.

Peace out my peeps....Hope your afternoons are going great!!

Student Quote of the Day

2006-09-15T12:08:00.000-05:00

"Mrs. Davis, you look comely today"

Cute, huh?

There's No Crying in Social Studies

2006-09-13T19:43:00.000-05:00

That title comes from a line in a movie that we have used on PITA for years. Good grief, I need to get my (Light bulb moment...While typing this sentence it occurred to me that I just need to make a poster that says "There's No Crying in Social Studies") anyway....I need to get my 5th graders to understand that the work they do in my classroom, no matter how frustrated they might get, is NOT worth tears!!!!!

Now, I kind of understood when they got teary eyed about the quiz on how to take notes because they didn't study and they were worried they were going to fail and it was going to hurt their grade and....and....and.....Seriously, I could go on, but why. But today....it was a map. A MAP caused stress tears!!! ~sigh~ It is sometimes hard for me to remember that I am not with hardened 7th graders anymore and that I teach innocent soft hearted 5th graders. I have stopped being sarcastic (I was told it was more of a dry humor and not sarcasm by one of the other staff members). I really don't feel the need to be flippant with these children. They are sweet and generally want to please me in anyway they know how. They love what we are doing in the classroom and tell me how much more fun Soc. St. is now. (What a great compliment, right?!?)

So back to the map......I have this sheet that goes with our maps that I found this last weekend. I LOVE it. The kids have to go through and answer 9 questions about the map. Things like: What is the title? What in the range for latitude and longitude? What does the map aim to convey? (ok this question is just mean to ask 10 and 11 year olds. They don't have a clue what the word convey means much less how to pronounce it.) But I have worked hard to explain this sheet and today I even went over the whole sheet answering ALL of the questions that go with the map they were using today. Just to make sure they knew what they were looking for to keep their map skills sharp. I ask them to take time to read over it on their own now and put the answers (the ones I just gave them) on a sheet of paper, then they had questions on the back of the map in which they have to use the map. THEY HAVE ALREADY BEEN GIVEN THE ANSWERS TO HALF THE ASSIGNMENT!!! And yet, I had kids asked me like 15 times (ok more like 5-10) what convoy (remember convey??) meant and what the heck they were suppose to do with the scale question {all they had to do was tell me how many inches (measure the line) for 100 miles (the amount of miles shown on the scale)}. Seriously I didn't think this was an assignment that should bring on tears and yet in three classes I had students break down crying.

Me, being who I am, told them to cry over big things like lost pets, broken bones.....not my work in my classroom. It isn't life or death. It is a worksheet. ~sigh~ God love them.

Tomorrow should be a blast. They are making flip books on the 5 themes of geography.....and they have to construct the book. I know there will be tears at some point tomorrow, but hopefully I won't start 1st period with a headache. I would also like to add this....if the kids crying over the fact that they don't understand is my biggest stresser so far, I really have nothing to complain about. I have had no disrespect, everyone turns in their work, and life in general is pleasant. THANK YOU to the powers that be for letting me work in Green Acres!!!!

Peace out my peeps....have sweet dreams and don't let map skills bring you to tears.

More to life

2006-09-04T17:34:00.000-05:00

Oh how you have to love getting to transfer over 600 songs from a device that you thought was useless. Thank you to my favorite science guy for fixing my first MP3 player ever and allowing me to get to my MP3s on it. Some of them are songs I just can't believe I have lived without over the last year and a half. Like the "Under the Scotsman's Kilt", how can someone not just enjoy the pure laughter this little song can provide?? Or the life changing lyrics of "Cows with Guns"? :-)

anyway...that is neither here nor there. I came across a song I forgot I had, yet it is just what seems to be plaguing my life these days. I think there is so much that can be said about the words in this song. Those that know me well know that I am always searching for something and it may be the search that I enjoy so much, but life can be so short and in reality we need to get as much out of it as we can.

Here are the words for you to read:

(There's Gotta Be) More to Life
by Stacie Orrico

Yeah... Ooo...

I got it all but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
Why can't I let it go?

There's gotta more to life
Than chasing down every temporary high
To satisfy me
'Cause the more that I
Trippin up, thinking there must be more to life
Well there's life but I'm sure
There's gotta be more

I want something more

I got the time and I'm it wasting it slowly
Here in this moment, I'm half way out the door
Onto next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

I'm wanting more

I'm always waiting on something
Betterr than this
Why am I feeling like there's something I missed
Something I missed

More to life...

Peace out my peeps. I hope you find all that you are searching for in life and that it brings you great joy.

Consolation and Desolation

2006-08-30T17:30:00.000-05:00

A couple of years ago there was this sweet little show on TV called Joan of Arcadia. It was a good show and maybe even helped to provide some hope occasionally. I was trying to pinpoint my feelings lately. So many to be honest and that show came to mind. In the season one finale Joan is sick and God won't talk to her any longer. The mom (Helen) says something at the end to her husband (Will) that spoke right to my heart and I hold out hope for more times of consolation than desolation:

Helen - I was talking to a priest today. I'm telling you now. I--wasn't gonna hide it. Do you want to hear what a priest said?

Will - Was it a handsome priest?

Helen - [Laughs] Not as handsome as you.

Will - Go on.

Helen - He said that we go through times on consolation and desolation. Consolation is when... things are flowing, and everything makes sense, and... you feel connected, and... you're aware that god is present and... has plans for you, maybe... even likes you a little bit. You remember that?

Will - Sometimes.

Helen - Desolation is the other thing. When you are... scared... and confused and alone and out of step, and your cell phone doesn't work, and... your daughter gets sick, and... the cops come to the door and say there's been an accident. God... retreats, and... you're left with your own thoughts, and those thoughts are...dark. There are answers there. He told me. And strength.

Will - How long does desolation last?

Helen - As long as it needs to.

Anyway, I know that I am in a time of consolation with my job. Things are flowing and going right. I am in desolation in other areas and I feel lost in those dark thoughts and want so bad sometimes to turn on the light to get the shadows to go away. But I know that these times are needed in one's life to help them find their way and help them grow. I hope I will find the answers and that I will come out stronger on the other end.

Peace out my peeps.

Green Acres is the place for me....

2006-08-11T21:33:00.000-05:00

Ok, not really, but I love this new school district. Even if it feels a little like the twilight zone. I am finally starting to get excited about this new place. I wasn't sure at first, probably because I felt so burned by my last school and maybe even a little bitter about education in general. Today when I got to be at my new school with my principals and the new teachers, I finally started to feel like I am a part of something.

Things I already miss though:
~The other class clowns that made staff development more tolerable.
~The technology we had in my bigger district.
~Being near stores and places.
~The feeling that I know what I am doing.

Even though those are some of the things I miss, I am looking forward to this experience. And being from a "small" (rural) town myself I am sure I will see things in these people that remind me of my childhood. Oh the blogs I think will come with this job!!

Peace out my peeps....I am getting to go out tonight!!